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Thursday, June 30, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

a4g's Eleven

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 6/30/2005 06:35:00 AM

When, in the depths of primordial time, men crawled up from the mudpits of barbarity and painted the first satirical pictographs onto cave walls, man has searched for the perfect expression of the humorists' art.

To say things have been a little "sub-par" here lately at Point Five would be undeservedly generous. In an effort to break the logjam, with great risk and even greater expense, I, The Evil Emperor Mindstation, am assembling a crack team for one purpose and one purpose only: To create the greatest work of satire ever crafted by man.

My goal is a lofty one. My journey, hard. My actions, illegal. There will be many obstacles in my way. However, I am confident that I can accomplish my goal.

In honor of the blogger who holds the administrative keys to this site, I have dubbed the eight man team, a4g's Eleven.

Occupation: Professional Dyspeptic
Specialty: Figurehead
Pros: Knows HTML, PHP.
Cons: Uses too much body spray.

The Evil Emperor Mindstation
Occupation: Emperor
Specialty: Jack-booted justice
Pros: Monarch, access to the wealth of the Empire, charming smile.
Cons: Imperial coffers valued at only $27.66, grossly incompetent, easily duped.

Occupation: Zoo animal
Specialty: Computer hacking
Pros: Able to gain access to nearly any electronic system.
Cons: Easily distracted by bananas, lacks opposable thumbs.

Prof. Stephen Hawking
Occupation: Professor
Specialty: Astrophysics
Pros: Genius-level intelligence, able to gain university funding for almost any project as long as it sounds sciencey.
Cons: Easily distracted by female coeds, famously incontinent.

Lara Croft
Occupation: Star of the video game Tomb Raider
Specialty: Treasure Hunting
Pros: Hot, has pinpoint accuracy with handguns, capable of incredible acrobatic feats, hot.
Cons: As the only female on the team, it would be nice if she were real.

Mr. T
Occupation: Anti-drug activist
Specialty: Bad attitude
Pros: Heartwarming capacity to show pity for fools.
Cons: No matter how much firepower he's provided, he still couldn't hit the broadside of a barn.

Dame Edna
Occupation: Performer
Specialty: Master of disguise
Pros: Expert skills allow him to blend in with almost any crowd.
Cons: All disguises look pretty much like Dame Edna.

Tom Clancy
Occupation: Novelist
Specialty: Strategy and tactics
Pros: Immense knowledge of all things military.
Cons: Never showed up.

We're going deep into unknown comedy territory, and we hope that we will be prepared for whatever challenges lie ahead. I'll update you on our progress when circumstances warrant.

In the meantime, won't you please enjoy the regular helping of crap that we dish out daily?

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

NEXT EPISODE: Mindstation's Eleven: Episode One - Shrine of the Kuo-Toa

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

John Kerry Counters Bush With Stunning New War Plan

Posted by a4g @ 6/29/2005 06:34:00 AM

Get out now, or stay the course?

Stretched too thin, or not enough troops?

Irresolvable quagmire, or salvagable with the right plan?

"To be honest, our Democratic message has been a little muddled," said Senator John Kerry, in an exclusive sit-down with Point Five. "But one thing we all agree on: Timetable. We've got to explicitly set dates for everything everywhere."

Facing seemingly contradictory polling numbers, top Democrats have banded together to lead an effort to take the lead in the war effort, and counter charges that they are merely obstructionists committed to thwarting President Bush even at the price of American defeat. Led by John Kerry, who issued a stinging pre-emptive strike against President Bush's speech last night with his own powerhouse screed from the floor of the Senate, the group is planning on revolutionizing modern warfare.

"If you've ever talked with a liberal, you'll know we're all military experts. We've found a way to turn that expertise into real-world action."

Kerry, showing his grasp of not only cocktail hour, but also the intricacies of strategy, tactics and international diplomacy, has founded a website called "Wikistrategy," where all future US war planning will be worked out using open source principles and distributed intelligence.

"It provides, realtime, a solid timetable for the American people."

Click on the image below for a first-ever peek at John's Kerry's "Wikistrategy."

Get The Real Story:

Captain Ed is analyzing the media reaction to the speech, Jayson at Polipundit has noticed the Schizoprenia

UPDATE: Looks like life is imitating satire yet again. Evidently someone in the DNC reads Point Five.

Linked on Mudville and the Traffic Jam.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

"Happy Face" Sought in Connection with WalMart Death

Posted by a4g @ 6/28/2005 07:24:00 AM

UPDATE: Bump to top

Investigators are seeking the Happy Face in connection with the death of WalMart heir John Walton in a plane crash yesterday. The smiling yellow disembodied head is being described by police only as a "person of interest" at this point in the investigation.

Police believe that beneath the smiling exterior may lie the cold heart of a killer
John T. Walton, a decorated Vietnam veteran and beloved philanthropist, died Monday in the crash of his experimental plane in Jackson, Wyoming. Crash investigator Douglas Whittaker described the plane as "a cheaply-made Chinese knockoff, constructed with inferior materials, with extremely narrow aisles to sausage in customers -- er, passengers."

Police are focusing on the Happy Face after flecks of yellow paint were found around the engine compartment. It is believed that the Happy Face stands to gain a share of the substantial fortune left by Mr. Walton.

The Happy Face's previous run-ins with the law include mainly minor infractions resulting from defacing and knocking over signs and copyright infringement for illegal use of the Zorro mask.

Get The Real Story:

Blackfive has a great tribute to a great man.

UPDATE: Wyoming investigators have issued an all-points-bulletin and released the following photo in connection with the John T Walton tragedy. The suspect is believed to have left the state. Sightings have occurred as far away as California and Florida. The suspect is believed to be extremely dangerous. Police caution DO NOT APPROACH, if you see the suspect, call 911.


Linked on Outside the Beltway, and Mudville Gazette.

Monday, June 27, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

NASA to Blow Up Comet "Just Because"

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 6/27/2005 04:33:00 PM

NASA scientists announced today plans to explode the comet Tempel 1. After admitting that obliterating the comet would serve no scientific purpose, NASA scientist John Berry explained, "You have to understand, we scientists have been working tirelessly for the benefit of mankind for the last 400 years. We all agreed it was time for a break. So we've decided to take a year off from science, and use some of our equipment for some projects we've really been itching to try. We thought it would be cool to see a comet blow up."

NASA artist rendition of Comet Tempel 1 being destroyed, as viewed from space.
Although the plan currently calls for a conventional payload, scientists are discussing the feasibility of nuclear ordinance. The main point of disagreement seems to center around which would make "the most bitchin' explosion".

Dr. Berry also revealed that the recent failed launch of a solar sail spacecraft was purposely caused by scientists. "You know we thought, Hey, we're taking a year off anyway, why put an expensive spacecraft into orbit that no one is going to be around to operate or monitor? So instead we filled the launch vehicle with high explosives and an old Pac-Man machine that Dr. Fenester had in his garage."

He noted that preliminary data indicates that the resulting explosion of the Russian-made rocket was 63.2% "awesome" and 36.8% "gnarly".

White House officials have assured that day-to-day life for most of the public will be unaffected by the absence of the scientists, as the "near-unanimous scientific consensus on global warming" is not scheduled to be overturned by "stunning new evidence" until late 2008.

-The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Welcome readers from the Carnival of the Vanities. If you were moderately amused by this post, we invite you to be moderately amused by other things we have to offer.

Linked on Mudville Gazette, Outside The Beltway, Basil's Blog.

Supremes: "Fear Of Flying" to Replace 10 Commandments

Posted by a4g @ 6/27/2005 07:27:00 AM

In a widely expected 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court today banned the display of the 10 Commandments in courtrooms nationwide, replacing them with copies of Erica Jong's groundbreaking novel of sexual liberation, "Fear Of Flying."

Looking to our forefathers to inform our decisions, the Supreme Court studies history and comes up "on top"
"It's been a long struggle," said Dorothy Longmiller, who filed an amicus brief in the case. "But with this decision, the Court is siding with those of us who demand a sexier version of justice than America has been willing to dispense."

Sexy indeed. With the prudish "thou shalt nots" finally expelled from the courtroom, legal observers expect a less sexually repressive experience for litigants and defendants alike.

"The courtroom has always been a place of stiff formality and stern judgement. We're hoping it can blossom into a place where free love can flourish in a consquence-free environment. I'm anticipating that the fleeting glance of what lies beneath the judge's robes is going to become a much less uncommon occurance."

Criticism that rulings from the courts are generally sharply at odds with public opinion was brushed aside. "Octogenarians whose legal foundations were formed in the 1960s and 70s are exactly the kind of people we want preparing us for the future. It's important to let the past inform the present. Just not the distant past."

Get The Real Story:

Links to the decisions at SCOTUSblog,
Michelle Malkin has plenty of links

Saturday, June 25, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

This Week at the Multiplex

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 6/25/2005 03:48:00 PM

It's been a rough year for Lindsay Lohan.

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Linked over at Beth's place.

Point Five's 10 Phrases That Sound Nasty, But They Aren't

Posted by a4g @ 6/25/2005 07:48:00 AM

Today's subject: Cooking.

10. Use a balloon whisk for "whipping your whites."

9. Six inch curved boner.

8. Mise en place -- ooh la la.

7. Put it into the "dutch oven".

6. Season the skillet.

5. Pound the cutlet.

4. Tenderize the breasts.

3. Get all the tasty brown bits from the bottom

2. Pull the neck skin over the opening


1. Do you like to lick the spoon?

Friday, June 24, 2005

The Revolution Continues...


Posted by a4g @ 6/24/2005 06:08:00 PM

Click on the image to see a bigger version. I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY DID IT!

If you don't know what I'm talking about, visit Wizbang.

Dems Seeking Therapy After Rove Accuses Them of Seeking Therapy

Posted by a4g @ 6/24/2005 08:57:00 AM

Phones were ringing off the hook yesterday across Washington, D.C., as Democrat lawmakers desperately sought appointments with their therapists, after Karl Rove's speech in which he said liberals "saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers."

"I bet this speech will make my Xanax stock go up.
"A lot of feelings have been hurt," said one top Washington psychiatrist, who sees several important Democrat lawmakers. "It's important that I help my clients to really listen to Karl. What are his motivations? Why does he hate them? I'm not saying that they have to own his criticism, but they should look within themselves and ask, 'Have I created this?' It's a very healing exercise."

However, not all Democrats have run for cover. Several, such as Senators Chuck Schumer and Hillary Rodham Clinton have responded forcefully to Rove.

"This is war!" said Schumer, "And if Rove wants war, war is what he'll get. We're starting an investigation into Rove's statements, and if the facts are sufficient to prove his guilt beyond a reasonable doubt in a court of law, we will strongly consider an indictment."

Get The Real Story:

Outside The Beltway has a nice wrapup, Betsy's Page offers additional insight, Lorie Byrd is all over it.

Linked on Outside the Beltway and Mudville Gazette.

On The Theory Of Relativity

Posted by Stephen Hawking @ 6/24/2005 06:43:00 AM

Press ► (play) on the player below to hear Stephen Hawking's post:

(Note that due to Prof. Hawking's advanced intelligence, he does not always subscribe to our shallow understanding of decorum or common decency - listener discretion sometimes advised)

Prof. Hawking offers his insight and wisdom on physics and life every Friday on Point Five.

On Fetal Stem Cell Research
On The Future of The EU Constitution
On the Viability of Wormholes
On The Plausibility of the Science of Star Wars
On The Implications of the Theories of Fredrich Hund
On The Quality Of Life

Military Says Flag Burning High on List of "What We Fight For"

Posted by a4g @ 6/24/2005 06:31:00 AM

A survey of 1364 officers and enlisted ranked "the right to burn the flag" high among reasons why they chose to fight for America. The survey, conducted last weekend by top pollster Daniel Mullins, asked members of all five armed forces about what motivated them to put themselves in harm's way in defense of their nation.

Even conservatives have come to believe that meaningless defiance is a protected form of liberty
Mullins was surprised when traditional answers like God, family, duty, and honor were not among the top five. Instead, service members were convinced that protecting narcissistic acts of self-indulgence by anarchists, anti-globalists and bored college students was at the heart of their mission.

The top five freedoms worth protecting:

5. The right to access pornography in America's libraries
4. The right to one of America's 857,000 annual safe, legal, and rare abortions
3. The right to a living wage
2. The right to burn the flag in protest
1. The right to digitally create photorealistic images of child rape

Prof. Charles Montray of UC Berkeley explains: "It took many decades, but we've finally managed to confuse the meanings of licentiousness and liberty to the point where even staunch conservatives have accepted our definition of 'liberty' at face value. Our mind-f**k of the American people is complete."

Thursday, June 23, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Jesse Sullivan: Worlds First Bionic Man

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 6/23/2005 06:55:00 PM

Jesse Sullivan, 54, became the world's first bionic man today when doctors attached artificial limbs to his body. Sullivan lost his limbs in a experimental plane crash.

"When Mr. Sullivan came to us he was a man barely alive. We had the capability to make the world's first Bionic Man," said doctor Todd Kuiken, who worked on Sullivan. "Jesse Sullivan will be that man. Better than he was before. Better... stronger... faster".

The Department of Defense is picking up the tab for the experimental surgery, in hopes that Jesse might become a military asset. This was the subject of heated questioning for Donald Rumsfeld in front of the Senate Armed Services committee today.

Rumsfeld to Kennedy: "Don't F*** with my bionic man".

Senator Kennedy angrily doubted that it was appropriate to "requisition a human being" to be used against islamofascists in the War on Terror. But Defense Secretary Rumsfeld was defiant, insisting that Sullivan would in no way be involved in the Terror War, because "we need him to fight America's real enemy: extra-terrestrial controlled Sasquatch."

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Linked on Mudville Gazette.

Starbucks Hails Supreme Court Decision

Posted by a4g @ 6/23/2005 03:45:00 PM

In a 5-4 decision handed down today, the Supreme Court sided with local governments that wish to use eminent domain rights to facilitate urban planning projects. While many conservative and libertarian pundits are outraged, James L Donald, CEO of Starbucks, Inc. is overjoyed.

All the friendly atmosphere of home-- your home-- is coming to your neighborhood Starbucks.
"This was really the last impediment to a market segment where we had not been able to affect significant penetration." The segment, tract housing, has been deprived of Starbuck's delicious brand of custom-brewed java because of antiquated zoning regulations and draconian master planned communities. Now, however, Donald sees a Starbucks literally on every corner, with local governments enjoying the tax revenues that every $17.50 cup of coffee delivers.

To kick off the promotional campaign for "Home Brewed" Starbucks, the company will be hiring America's own hyper-caffeinated princess, Jennifer Wilbanks, to be their new spokeswoman.

I'd like another Venti please, no whip, skim, mocha.

Get The Real Story:

Michelle Malkin has every link on the net.

Rare Two-Faced Kitten Eyeing Run Against McCain in 08

Posted by a4g @ 6/23/2005 06:29:00 AM

Gemini, a rare kitten born with two faces is just a week old, but already has big plans. When her tiny eyes finally open next week, she is going to set all four squarely on the political ambitions of John McCain. The kitten is planning to run head-to-head-to-head against the maverick Republican in the 2008 Presidential primaries.

Gemini is a two-faced cat with a mission.
"McCain can't hide from us," says Lee Bluetear, the kitten's owner and chief political consultant, "We're going to give him the run of his life."

Gemini, like many cats a staunch conservative, was immediately angered by McCain's pandering to the media and "moderate" voters. Bluetear expressed Gemini's plan: "Moderate voters have shown a real love for the kind of leadership that McCain offers. Just wait 'til they meet Gemini."

Some have argued that Gemini has no real plan for America, and offers only a vague, watered-down political grab-bag of ideas, focused mainly on not making waves. Bluetear said that was exactly the strategy designed to steal away voters who would gravitate towards McCain.

Gemini has vowed to follow McCain "all the way to the Iowa Caucuses" in her bid to take down her political nemesis.

Some have claimed McCain's appearance is an optical effect as the Senator rapidly shifts from right to left; other's believe the feature is permanent.

Linked on Mudville Gazette and Outside the Beltway.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Scientists Say Climate Disaster Narrowly Avoided

Posted by a4g @ 6/22/2005 04:21:00 PM

Scientists with the Global Climatology Conference announced today a stunning revelation that planet Earth recently narrowly avoided a catastrophic "climatology event" that would have led to massive extinction and an end to life as we know it. The event would have made even the most dire 'global warming' predictions seem mild.

The Sun, shown here burning fiercely, looks menacingly upon a unsuspecting Earth
"We have been monitoring daylight levels for several months," said Dr. Petir Drulent, of the Hans Brinkman Climatology Center in Oslo. "As early as yesterday, all the signs were pointing to a classic 'lightening event', where the daylight hours on Earth steadily increase until the entire world is sent into a spiral of blinding brightness and rising temperatures. Plants would have been unable to reproduce, birds unable to migrate. Entire ecosystems would have crashed within weeks. We gave human civilization two months, tops."

Dr. Drulent admitted that the causal factor for this phenomenon was not yet fully understood, but the scientific data was unarguable.

Luckily, scientists say that a sudden turnaround occurred; the shift was detected this morning by ultra-sensitive atomic clocks located throughout the northern hemisphere.

"We believe the event peaked on June 21. Our model is incomplete, but we believe there will be a gradual return to more normal daylight levels, and fortunately this disaster will be avoided."

However, Dr. Drulent offered a cautionary note: he warned that if the new trend started this morning did not reverse itself, the possibility of the Earth being plunged into continual darkness, the so-called "Snowball Earth," was not beyond his calculations.

Aruba Suspect Makes Tearful Apology From Senate Floor

Posted by a4g @ 6/22/2005 06:41:00 AM

In an historic moment in US Senate history, Joran van der Sloot, suspected in the disappearance of Alabama teen Natalee Holloway, made a heartfelt apology on the floor of the Senate late yesterday.

In a statement that lasted just five minutes, van der Sloot was contrite and, at times, on the verge of tears. He explained that he had had an instantaneous attraction to Natalee-- but admitted that he may have gone too far.

"Some may believe that I crossed the line," said. "To them I extend my heartfelt apologies."

His voice quaking and tears welling in his eyes, the 17-year-old also apologized to anyone in Natalee's family who felt insulted by his actions.

"They're the best. I never, ever intended any disrespect for them," he said.

Top Democrats have been extremely receptive to the apology, inviting van der Sloot to speak at a fundraiser just an hour after the speech.

UPDATE: We have received several emails scolding us for making a comparison between a US Senator and a suspect in what everyone fears is the kidnapping, rape, and murder of an innocent young lady from Alabama.

Readers, more than most people, a blogger lives by his words. Words are the coin of the realm in our profession. Occasionally, words will fail us, and occasionally, we will fail words. After reading the horrible details of Natalee's disappearance, we then, on our own, our own words, made some characterizations about Dick Durbin. We made reference to the rape, torture and killing of a young woman. Readers, we've come to understand that was a very poor choice of words. We sincerely regret if what we said caused anyone to misunderstand our true feelings. We're sorry if anything we said caused any offense to the august Senator from Illinois. There's usually a quote from Abraham Lincoln that you can turn to in moments like this. Maybe this is the right one. Lincoln said, if the end brings me out right, what is said against me won't amount to anything. If the end brings me out wrong, ten thousand angels swearing I was right wouldn't make any difference.

Linked on Mudville, Outside the Beltway, Basil's Blog.

Carnival of the Vanities #12^2

Posted by a4g @ 6/22/2005 06:00:00 AM

Carnival of the Vanities is up at the flagship of Laurence Simon's Crapiverse.

Honestly, how that guy does it all is somewhere outside of normal. (Envy rears its ugly head)

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Assassination Attempt Against Michael Moore Fails

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 6/21/2005 07:43:00 PM

Democrats are furious today, accusing Republicans of an assassination attempt on controversial filmmaker Michael Moore. They allege that silencing Moore is a critical component of a comprehensive strategy designed to ensure the continuing dominance of the Republican party. Part of this strategy is to stop production of Moore's devastating new documentary Fahrenheit 9/11?.

Democrats allege that Republican '527' dollars funded this enormous pie
Republican spokesman Danny Baird loudly denied the charges. "How were we supposed to know that a man of Michael Moore's stature would be irresistibly attracted to the world's largest pizza? How were we supposed to know that he would eat himself half to death? There was just no way we could have known."

Moore, whose controversial films have made him a frequent target of right wing attack dogs, was last seen stumbling away in a stupor from the Iowa Falls-Alden High School parking lot, where, on Saturday, the world's largest pizza was constructed. His whereabouts remain unknown.

This image of Michael Moore is believed to be the last photo taken before his disappearance.

Baird continued: "I'm sure he will probably turn up sooner or later. This is probably no different than his three day rampage through the Little Debbie factory in Collegedale, Tennessee last May. He's probably sleeping it off in a dumpster somewhere."

Democrats are promising to hold a fake hearing in the congressional basement to investigate further.

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Linked on Outside the Beltway and Mudville Gazette.

Tips for New Bloggers

Posted by a4g @ 6/21/2005 06:53:00 PM

Now that Point Five reaches literally tens of readers a day-- maybe even you-- we get lots of questions about how we transformed our sleepy little blog into a Top 1000 powerhouse. Of course, there are a lot of answers to that question, but most of them are proprietary, so we generally delete those emails.

However, I thought it would be helpful to new bloggers to discuss some of the finer points of starting a new blog.

  • Try to think of a clever nom-de-plume. This is a french word that means "name of plume." I don't know what the hell that means, but I know you need to have one to be taken seriously. Oh, but be careful. You'll want to stay away from names like "Hindrocket" or "Big Trunk", unless you want a lot of Google traffic searching for gay porn. I chose "a4g", which has the mysterious, intriguing connotations of a randomly generated password.

  • Make sure to let everyone know that "blog" is short for "web log." This will solve a lot of problems.

  • Make sure your blog has an editorial theme. Pick a topic that interests you and craft your blog around it. It can be politics, hobbies, pets, family, anything! But it should be politics, because that other stuff is lame.

  • No satire. The field is getting a little crowded, and that means ideas are getting scarce. There's nothing more embarrassing than getting accused of "ripping off somebody else's idea" just because you ripped off somebody else's idea.

  • Try to inject your unique personality into every post. This can be challenging, because most people are annoying, including you. I mean, you like yourself, sure. But me? I can take you or leave you. On second thought, inject somebody else's personality into your blog. Maybe pretend you're a character from a movie. Leonardo DiCaprio's character in Titanic was pretty cool. Well, no, maybe he was a dick. Maybe like Hannibal Lecter? I don't know, I don't watch a whole lot of movies.

  • If you have a cat, your blog should be full of cat pictures. You would think that all cats are pretty much the same, but if you've spent any time reading blogs, you'll know that every cat sleeps just a little bit differently. And any given cat will sleep differently each time it sleeps. Remember: that difference can mean monster traffic to your site.

  • One great way to get more traffic to your site is to drop in on the comments sections of other blogs and post links to your latest post. Try to really talk up how fantastic your analysis is. And don't worry if you are off-topic. Remember, your blog is worth the trip!

  • Don't quit your job to blog full time, unless you have enough money saved up to cover your bills for the first few months. After that, you can be pretty sure advertising revenue will take over. The Evil Emperor Mindstation suggests running up your credit cards for a couple months as a great alternative, and then you can pay them back down when the big money really starts rolling in.

  • If you're having trouble coming up with material, one great blogging technique is to say "Here's so-and-so's take on the latest controversy:", and then just lift their post and put it on your blog. This fills up the blog with nice long posts, which makes you seem really smart. Oh, but make sure to copy only about 90% of their post, and finish up with a "Read the whole thing." This will also make you seem authoritative. If you're feeling guilty about stealing somebody else's work, just remember: all they had to do was write it-- it took you to see that it was worth reading.

If you're in the rarefied air of "Top 1000 Blogger" (I assume there must be at least three hundred) and you have any other tips for the newbies, leave a comment to help them out.

Monday, June 20, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Study: Video Store "Employee Picks" No Better Than Simple Chance

Posted by a4g @ 6/20/2005 11:35:00 AM

In a comprehensive study of over 1300 retail video rental locations across the US, researchers have found that movies catagorized under "Employee Favorites" or "Our Picks" sections are no better than the movie selections that would be made by simple chance.

"Our data are remarkably consistant," said Dr. Peter Uulant, co-author of the study. "The finding holds true regardless of geographic location, urban density, MPAA rating, or format. By every metric, relying on the employee-chosen favorites does not positively correlate with a better movie rental experience."

Dr. Uulant described a slight variation between the results for DVD and VHS to be within the margin of error.

Video store employees, however, are loudly disputing the results. "Ken", who restocks videos at the Blockbuster nearest the Point Five offices, said, "What? So like Eraserhead and Empire Of The Ants don't qualify as great frickin' movies? You guys are whack."

Other employees were similarly outraged, offering such personal favorites as Leprechaun 2, Boxing Helena, and 50 First Dates.

Republicans to Rove: Don't Get Cocky Over DSM

Posted by a4g @ 6/20/2005 04:39:00 AM

With the revelation that the only proof of the authenticity of the Downing Street Memos (DSM), is the word of a British journalist, who admitted that his only copies are versions that he personally hand-typed, memories of the infamous TANG memos have been revived.

The Downing Street Memo, or "DSM", as named by originator Karl Rove, is a not-so-subtle dig at his intellectually inferior political opponents.
Left leaning analysts and bloggers are already leveling accusations at the ever-devious Karl Rove, whose rapacious love of humiliating Democrats is understandably legendary. But top Republicans are beginning to question the mastermind's deft touch, and wondering if he is becoming overly confident after his many years of triumphs.

"I don't know how the liberals could have missed the joke," says one top Republican operative, who feared speaking about Rove without promises of the strictest confidentiality. "I mean Downing Street Memo, 'DSM'. Very funny. I understand that naming your latest planted scandal after a manual for diagnosing mental disorders may be amusing, but I'm worried that Karl is starting to get sloppy. Leaving tracks where before he was always sure to remain squeaky clean."

Others disagree. An old friend talked to Point Five, requiring the same fear-based confidentiality: "With Karl, its all about topping himself. I mean, only mental patients would take Karl's bait; that's always been the joke. When Karl dressed up in the Carmen Miranda outfit, complete with makeup and the fruit basket hat, I told him there was no way they would buy it... But Karl just said 'Me no comprende, senor. Me name Luci Ramirez. Me show you, they believe!' And sure enough, they did. So if they bought it with the TANG documents, why not call the next batch DSM?"

As of now, it appears Rove's position is safe, as the entire left half of the blogosphere continues frothing at the mouth over the non-issue, and even Democratic Senators were intimating thoughts of impeachment over an unseen document of questionable provenance, with the joke moniker "DSM". It remains to be seen just how far Rove can go before his mental patient adversaries wise up.

Get The Real Story:

Saw it first on Little Green Footballs, The Anchoress treats the subject well, Captain's Quarters seems to be hitting every pitch out of the park lately, Sundries Shack had a nice take, Wizbang also of interest

Linked on Outside the Beltway and Mudville Gazette.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Point Five Sunday Roundup, 6.19.05

Posted by a4g @ 6/19/2005 08:15:00 AM

Batman Begins opens strongly at the box office, taking in an estimated $40 million in its first two days of release, which coincidentally is the amount I'll need for therapy after seeing Batman star Katie Homes in Paris having her face lampreyed by vampire-doofus Tom Cruise.

TANACU, Romania
An Orthodox priest doesn't quite understand the fuss over the death of a 23-year-old schizophrenic nun who he bound, gagged, starved, and hung from a crucifix for three days as part of an elaborate exorcism. Quick, somebody call Dick Durbin, and he can tell us how this one loony priest conclusively proves that Christianity is just as nuts as Islam.

The AP has an interesting analysis piece considering the options President Bush has for his Supreme Court nominee. I'm partial to the one who has a chainsaw in place of his right hand. How about you?

Leonardo DiCaprio was hit with a bottle at a party hosted by Paris Hilton's ex-boyfriend on Friday... Sorry. I got nothing.

LONDON, England
The leak of the security plan for the G8 summit to a London newspaper, the Independent, has sent British security forces into all out panic. At first I didn't understand this story, but when I replaced "Independent" with "Newsweek", it all became clear.

Oil set an all time high on Friday at $58.60 a barrel. Big deal. I only get my oil changed like every 5000 miles. This seems like a non-story.

One of the jurors on the Jackson case was invited to the victory party at the Chumash Indian Casino on Friday, which is odd, because I thought you had to be eighteen to serve on a jury.

Another week in the can. Point Five Out.

The Point Five Sunday Roundup is a weekly feature exclusive to Point Five, wherein I try to comment on as many Drudge headlines as I can in the time it takes me to make breakfast for my kids.

Linked on Mudville Gazette.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Hackers Steal 40 Million Credit Card Numbers

Posted by a4g @ 6/18/2005 06:23:00 AM

It was revealed yesterday that unknown hackers electronically breached a credit card processing center's computers, stealing financial data for some 40 million credit cards, netting an estimated $372.15 in available credit.

A spokesman for CardSystems, Inc., a processing company that handles transactions for more than 115,000 small to mid-sized businesses, claims that no addresses or Social Security numbers were involved in the theft.

The FBI is focusing its investigation on Tristan Bellows, 16, of Tacoma, WA, who in the last week had begun receiving some 1.5 million monthly statements daily. His parents, Mary and George Bellows, began to suspect something was wrong when tens of thousands of dollars went missing from their checking account. It is believed the money went to pay minimum monthly payments.

The boy was found unconcious in the living room of his parents' home late Friday, his swollen tongue encrusted with envelope glue and crisscrossed with multiple lacerations, believed by investigators to be papercuts.

Get The Real Story:


Linked on Mudville Gazette.

Friday, June 17, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Kofi Threatens To Slash Rape Budget If US Cuts Funds

Posted by a4g @ 6/17/2005 01:06:00 PM

Kofi Annan, Secretary General of the United Nations, angrily denounced today's Congressional action to tie US financial support of the UN to radical reforms of the beleagered institution.

Firing back with his own counter-threat, Annan promised to gut the budgets for the UN's highly effective child rape programs in Africa.

I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Sexual Abuse Allegation #3154.
"The Bush Administration must realize that it does not operate in a vacuum; cutting off funding to the UN has real world consequences. There are literally millions of starving children in the world. If these children cannot service and satisfy our UN Peacekeepers, where will they get the morsels of food that are their rewards? Without the opportunity to keep up our troops morale, those children will starve."

Annan described the UN as the world's only legitimate force for positive change.

Annan pointed out the billions of dollars of illegal revenue kept out of the hands of the murderous tyrant Saddam Hussein, by quick-thinking UN officials who were able to convert 'oil vounchers' into cash and safely impound the money in Swiss accounts.

It appears, however, that Annan is taking the congressional threat seriously, as the Secretary General is scheduled to meet tomorrow with Dean Arthur Schwartzmiller, who Annan is considering as the new head of UNICEF. Schwartzmiller is accused of 36,000 child molestations over a thirty year period, which immediately interested UN officials, who saw in the man's experience the opportunity to institute serious cost-cutting measures.

Get The Real Story:

Captain's Quarters,

Linked on Mudville Gazette, Outside the Beltway, Basil's Blog.

God Denies "Divine Wrath" Responsible For CA Earthquakes

Posted by a4g @ 6/17/2005 11:02:00 AM

God, through a spokesman, denied today that the recent rash of California earthquakes were any form of divine justice.

"There's not anything particularly God-angering going on in California right now," said the spokesman, a glorious angelic figure ringed with fire, "Besides the usual, of course. Why would God choose this week? Why, for example, not Florida during the whole Terri Schiavo debacle?"

But critics are suspicious. Roland Spencer, with American Atheists, notes, "Listen, this is just the sort of cryptic message God is always giving. That's why we so strongly deny His existence. He's always playing head games."

God responded: "Shoot, you figured me out, Roland. It's all just head games...

Or is it?"

New Popemobile For The 21st Century

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 6/17/2005 06:17:00 AM

Vatican officials announced today plans to begin use of the new Popemobile designed "for the 21st century Pope".

Pope Benedict XVI in a surprise testrun of the PM 3000

Featuring armor plating, grappling hooks and dual holy water autocannons, the new Popemobile is "built for the evangelization of tomorrow".

Pope Benedict's life was changed forever when his millionaire parents were murdered before his eyes. Joining with the evil Nazi youth as a boy, he finally turned from his mentor Hitler's pointless hatred, and instead chose to fight inequity with his own brand of brutal justice as the Dark Knight of Columbus. Donning his hi-tech papal vestments, he acts as a benevolent shepherd to a billion faithful by day, and a ruthless avenger by night.

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Get The Real Story:


Carnival Of Comedy Eight

Posted by a4g @ 6/17/2005 06:15:00 AM

Was is just seven short weeks ago that we first went on this journey together, a journey of comedy...

And who would have thought, after all that time, we'd still be laughing and enjoying good times together...

Carnival Of Comedy, I love you. I love you like the morning dew that sits gently on the leaves, like the cool whisper of evening, in the hush of twilight after the sun disappears behind the horizon...

Are you still here? Why aren't you at the Carnival of Comedy?

Thursday, June 16, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Liveblogging Earthquake!

Posted by a4g @ 6/16/2005 01:53:00 PM

Okay, there's an earthquake here at the office. My big chance to try out liveblogging after my last disastrous attempt...

Nevermind, it's over.

Praise for Durbin As IL Senator Firms Up Terrorist Vote

Posted by a4g @ 6/16/2005 06:42:00 AM

We ask 'Why do they hate us?' I think America's health care crisis is part of the answer.
Deep within a secret, subterranean planning room, Republican strategists are fuming over the speech given yesterday on the senate floor by Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL). After reading a description by an FBI agent of the conditions of prisoners in the Gitmo detention facility, Durbin concluded:

...you would most certainly believe this must have been done by Nazis, Soviets in their gulags, or some mad regime--Pol Pot or others--that had no concern for human beings. Sadly, that is not the case. This was the action of Americans in the treatment of their prisoners.

In a nation as closely divided as America in 2005, Republicans realize that a swing of just a few thousand votes can turn the fortunes of a party.

"I'll hand it to Durbin," said Chet Brakely, an RNC strategist, "He found an under-represented voting block and seems to have solidified its support for the Democrats."

Brakely explained that the terrorist vote has not often been pandered to in previous elections, but that he fears that Democrat internal polls have discovered a hidden constituancy "right under our noses." He is poring over reports from the INS that show massive numbers of non-Mexicans crossing over the US-Mexico border, and believes that besides suicide belts, these new residents may also be carrying voter registration cards.

Other Republicans are less concerned. "The Dems have had the terrorist vote sewn up for years," said Bob Relas, chairman of the Illinois Republican Committee. "The presidency of Jimmy Carter alone bought them fifty years of goodwill. We don't expect any significant shift in the numbers."

Still, national party leaders have quietly put out the word to the terrorists that the Republicans welcome them too, via Mel Martinez, Chuck Hagel, and Bill Kristol.

Linked on Mudville Gazette.

New Media-Funded Polling Service Set To Launch

Posted by a4g @ 6/16/2005 06:29:00 AM

A consortium of newspapers and television news services announced today a new project designed to be the next generation of opinion polling.

Based on a massively parallel network of high powered computers, the new opinion polling service will generate survey results in an entirely new way, bringing a field that is sometimes art, sometimes science, fully into the digital age.

The designer of the system, Piers Hoagland, demonstrated a test release of the system with a sample poll on the popularity of George W Bush.

"In the old models," Hoagland explained, "we relied too much on the human factor. Wild swings in the results gave President Bush an approval factor as high as 83%. The new system completely removes the errors inherent in asking questions, and Bush's popularity can never go above a randomly determined number between 43-48%."

In designing a poll, it is possible to asked a skewed question. Hoagland believes that inexperienced editors don't always know whether their questions are sufficiently biased to get the results they are looking for.

Still, many pollsters and newspaper editors are unhappy with the new system. An editor at a major metropolitan newspaper told Point Five:

"We've just made up the numbers for as long as I can remember. I don't see why we should change now. Is this computer system going to know when to starting skewing sharply towards reality, like in the days just before an election? Is it going to be able to bury the raw polling data deeply enough in jargon and doubletalk to hide the methodology?"

Proponents of the system counter that the computer will be able to not only generate the desired results, but even create believable so-called "internals" to continue to reflect a generally left-wing attitude in a country that has been trending decidedly right for the last three decades.

Neither the pollsters or the editors were able to explain to Point Five how exactly these polls would in any way help their cause, but they did comment that it helped make them feel better.

Linked on Outside the Beltway.

Important Assignment!

Posted by a4g @ 6/16/2005 06:29:00 AM

You must visit the new ecosystem! This is an order, not a request. NZ Bear has been hard at work, and has created a beautiful portal with much bloggy goodness.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Five Blogs I Love

Posted by a4g @ 6/15/2005 11:32:00 AM

Five blogs I love, and why you should go visit them right now:

I always imagine Ellisson in a cabana on the sand in Key West, drinking a tall, colorful drink with a paper umbrella sticking out of it, while he chats with a lifetime full of friends and family who lounge on chaises all around. This may not be how he actually lives, but my brain just keeps ignoring everything to the contrary. A guy who loves life even when it hurts, knows the value in the appropriate fear of one's wife, and tells great stories.

Atlas Shrugs
explodes off the screen, a frenzy of ideas and quotes and manifestos. Pamela is unabashedly sincere, and reading a post is like the guilty pleasure of watching an ultimate fighting cage match. I have a soft spot for anyone who distills the world so clearly into its component black and white, and the fact that her site is like a refrigerator stuffed with too many magnets (and takes like 15 minutes to load) is all part of the appeal.

mquest is really worth a look. Pictures and captions, with wonderfully quirky observations that give you the exquisite pleasure of seeing the world in a new way, as you say "Why didn't I think of that?"

Gates of Vienna is always wonderful, although commenting is intimidating at best, as the discussions often get into the "Belmont Club" realm where it takes a few Previews to get the courage to press 'Post'. A relentless lens on the conflict between the West and Islam, Baron Bodissey and Dymphna offer commentary that is always intelligent and thought-provoking.

The Cafeteria Is Closed.
Don't let his thumbnail picture fool you, the guy is a two-ton-bench-pressing monster, and he attacks his topics with the same zeal. His always sharp, dead-on posts will never fail to delight. This is a place where Catholic lives and breathes.

Hey, this was fun. I may just do it again next week. I've already thought of the next five!

Now go read!

UPDATE: Oh, and ignore the 'yes, it's satire' bit below. Yes, it's automatic. Maybe someday I'll grow up and get Movable Type.

Barbara Boxer In Hiding After Schiavo Autopsy Results Released

Posted by a4g @ 6/15/2005 09:48:00 AM

The autopsy results that showed Terri Schiavo's brain was half the size of what was to be expected has heartened supporters of her husband's decision to seek removal of her feeding tube in March of this year. They say the evidence indicates that Terri was not really a person worthy of a chance at life, as her supporters argued.

The revelation has sent several Senate Democrats into hiding. California Sen. Barbara Boxer is believed to be most at risk, as Florida Judge George Greer has recently ordered an extra ream of forms for taking care of his next round of victims.


Pro-Euthanasia Blogger Vindicated By Schiavo Autopsy Results

Posted by a4g @ 6/15/2005 09:18:00 AM

Pinellas-Pasco Medical Examiner Jon Thogmartin issued his autopsy results today on the body of Terri Schiavo, a severely brain damaged Florida woman who died March 31 of court-imposed dehydration.

The report states:

  • No evidence of trauma
  • No evidence of strangulation
  • No evidence of an eating disorder
  • No evidence of drugs administered to hasten death
  • No evidence of the ability to see
  • No evidence of brain function
  • No evidence of the ability to swallow

Based on this stunning evidence, pro-death activists are gloating over their vindication in this case.

"The evidence from this autopsy clearly proves once and for all, that Terri was never going to wake up and do anything that would benefit me," said John Wheeler, with LifeChoiceBlog, a pro-euthanasia blogger. "How anyone could want to live cooped up in a room for the rest of their life, just existing, is beyond me."

Wheeler is so dedicated to his belief in euthanasia that he has committed his life to it. He spends his days closed in his room, staring into his computer monitor as he surfs the internet, watching for stories that might affect the cause.

Abortion Advocates Shocked At Fetus Eating Charge

Posted by a4g @ 6/15/2005 08:08:00 AM

Local residents are are stunned at the charges leveled against a Kansas City abortionist who has been accused of eating aborted fetuses. Police are at a loss to explain what would attract such an unhinged man to the abortion profession, a medical specialty which involves killing babies by the thousands by burning them with saline solution, ripping apart their bodies, or sucking their brains out through a tube.

"It's absolutely ghastly!" said a stunned Myra Linghorn, a spokeswoman for NARAL. "Yet another option has been taken away from women. Yet another doctor is silenced. How many women will suffer because of the Nazi tactics of the anti-choice Gestapo?"

Nazi tactics have not been documented to include burning people with saline solution, ripping apart their bodies, or sucking their brains out through a tube.

Outrage: Disney Claims Ride "Safe" Despite Death

Posted by a4g @ 6/15/2005 06:44:00 AM

After the death of a 4-year-old rider on Monday, Disney World officials have reopened a controversial ride.

The $100 million ride, one of Disney World's most popular, was closed after the death but reopened Tuesday after company engineers concluded that it was operating normally.

The ride, Mission: Iraq, simulates the "jaw dropping thrills and gut-wrenching excitement" of a suicide bomber's first mission. You are Abdullah Al-Bin Dhuri, a young Saudi male, recruited to "destroy the hated soldiers of the Great Satan, Allah willing" by blowing up your fellow Arabs in a typical Iraqi marketplace populated by stunningly lifelike animatronics and sprinkled with Disney magic.

The ride, which is so intense that riders have been taken to the hospital with chest pains, and missing limbs, is one of Disney World's most popular.

The ride was inspired by Disney's "continuing commitment to inclusiveness and understanding," said a company spokeswoman. She cited the re-editing of Aladdin to remove lyrics offensive to Muslims, the failure to designate Jerusalem as Israel's capitol in its Millennium Village exhibit, and Michael Eisner's 2003 smear of Steve Jobs as a "Shiite Muslim."

The spokeswoman was unable to comment on the rising controversy with the Muslim community over the park's upcoming "Roger Rabbit's Koran Spin" attraction, which prominantly features the holy book of islam getting "the dip."

Get The Real Story:


Tuesday, June 14, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Sensenbrenner Stops Meeting, Democrats Near Death

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 6/14/2005 08:11:00 PM

Chairman of The House Judiciary Committee, Rep. James Sensenbrenner (R-Wis) walked out of a committee meeting examining the Patriot Act on Friday, as Democrats veered debate into an angry discussion of Gitmo detainees.

Democrats were irate at Sensenbrenner's decision to end the meeting early and called it "a Republican abuse of legitimately gained power". Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) was reportedly "cut off in midsentence" by Sensenbrenner.

But the Democrats' attempt to turn the meeting into political hay backfired. Sensenbrenner left without adjourning the meeting to a close, and, in fact, took the gavel with him, leaving Democrats powerless to end the meeting.

Now, for the fourth straight day, Democrats have been unable to leave the conference room or stop talking. Thirsty and hungry, a feeding tube was inserted into the quickly failing, yet still yammering, Rep. Nadler late Sunday.

A candlelight vigil is currently being held outside the building by Democrat supporters, who are demanding that Sensenbrenner come back and end the meeting. Reports indicate, however, that the vigil has turned into a Woodstock-like orgy and much of the focus has been lost.

But in an ironic turn of irony, Nadler's only source of nutrients will be removed today, following a ruling by Florida Family Court Judge George Greer, who issued a writ of execution for Nadler, citing the perceived brain-dead condition of the national Democrats, and the undue pain and suffering caused by being a member of a dying party. No case was pending before Judge Greer, but he generously offered his services pro bono.

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Get The Real Story:


Linked on Outside the Beltway and Mudville Gazette.

Bush to Unveil New "Border Defense" Policy

Posted by a4g @ 6/14/2005 06:45:00 PM

Bush listens to border plans with a skeptical ear.
President Bush is working on the last details of a dramatic new immigration plan that promises to cut down illegal border crossings to near-zero levels. The plan has caused shock among critics, who note the softness on this issue from both sides of the aisle....

The inspiration for the plan is said to have come from a high-level retreat with top cabinet members, where Bush asked for competing plans to stem the tide of illegals entering the US from Mexico. Point Five's source, a top Administration official speaking on the condition of anonymity, explains:

"The President listened to all the ideas: increased enforcement along the border; the completion and augmentation of a border fence; expanded prosecutions of employers. None seemed to catch his interest. He had heard all of these before-- he wanted thinking way outside the box."

It was then that the President presented his own bold plan to solve the problem.

In a speech next week, Bush is scheduled to announce the moving of 1330 statute miles of the US-Mexico border from the land stretching between California and Texas, to far inside the American interior, most likely in a large spiral shape centered deep within the Rocky Mountains.

Bush explains, "It's going to be pretty hard for Pedro, or Consuela, to cross the border when they find out Dubya done gone and moved it."

Immigrants' rights groups are said be outraged at the plan. "The spiral shape of the new border, along with its altitude, is guaranteed to cause dizziness and loss of balance among the few border crossers who can manage to reach it. We will see bodies piled hundreds deep at the bottom of sheer granite cliffs. Those that do survive the cliffs will undoubtably be trapped by blizzards and be forced to survive by adopting 'Donner Party' style cannibalism to survive."

They are calling for Bush to scrap his plan, and demanding an even more relaxed border policy than now, so as to ensure "the only plan with bipartisan support, the traditional two-class system of lords and vassals that ensures cheap labor for Republican fatcat donors, and Democrat supremacy in future elections."

Linked on Mudville Gazette, Wizbang, Outside the Beltway.

Bonfire #102

Posted by a4g @ 6/14/2005 05:20:00 AM

I don't know how to do the math on how many bad posts there have been after 102 bonfires, but it sure must be a lot.

Visit, if you dare.

Monday, June 13, 2005

The Revolution Continues...


Posted by a4g @ 6/13/2005 08:10:00 PM




Bolton Nomination In Peril Over Gitmo Allegations

Posted by a4g @ 6/13/2005 06:38:00 AM

Could the bushy moustache and wire-rimmed glasses be hiding the notorious Sergeant A?
The long-fought battle to confirm John Bolton as UN Ambadassador took a stunning turn late last week from an unlikely direction, with the release of a blockbuster report from Time magazine.

Time's report, detailing the interrogation of a prisoner at the Guantanamo Bay detention facility by a "Sgt A", has Democrat Senators in an uproar. From Time:

A latex glove was inflated and labeled the 'sissy slap' glove. The glove was touched to the detainee's face periodically after explaining the terminology to him...

I began to engage closeness with the detainee. This really evoked strong emotions within the detainee. He attempted to move away from me by all means...

Senator Joe Biden is furious. "We've already heard testimony about Mr. Bolton's legendary temper, his threatening looks, his putting his hands on his hips. Can anyone read this report in Time and not notice the eerie similarities between this so-called 'Sgt A' at Guantanamo and John Bolton? You're damn right we're asking the Administration for more documents. Mr. Bush, who is 'Sergeant A'?"

Bolton angrily denies any involvement with the brutal interrogations at Guantanamo, which detainees have described using chilling phrases such as "health spa", "religious retreat", and "slumber party". When asked point blank if he was in fact 'Sgt A', Bolton cocked his head and pointed his finger at our correspondent, who wisely ran screaming from the interview.

Explaining, as Howard Dean said recently, that "I would make the argument that America is safer when Democrats are in the White House, than when Republicans are in the White House," Democrats hope to derail the Bolton nomination, and instead install their own choice for UN Ambassador, Janet Reno.

Could Howard Dean's claim of a more aggressive Democrat terror war be true?

- 4/11/05 - Compromise in Bolton Nomination
- 3/8/05 - John Bolton Nominated

Get The Real Story:

Captain's Quarters, Ace of Spades, Boortz,

Also Linked at Mudville Gazette and Outside the Beltway.

Republicans Prepare for New Hillary Expose

Posted by a4g @ 6/13/2005 06:30:00 AM

"You were way better than Juanita Broaddrick, baby"
As news leaks out from the upcoming blockbuster expose on Hillary Clinton, Edward Klein's "The Truth About Hillary," average Republicans are preparing themselves to believe every word of it.

"There's very little he can slime her with that we haven't secretly thought," says Mark A. Logram, of PoliticalConnection, a respected conservative blogger. "We're not sure what's coming, but we're damn sure going to believe it. Lesbianism, rape, murder, sure, why not?"

Conservative talk is also gearing up to accept as gospel whatever the book says. A top talker spoke with Point Five over the weekend: "Listen, we can't stand the lies and trash that's been written about Reagan, Bush, and every other prominent Republican. They've all been indefensible smears. But this Hillary book, now that looks interesting. I mean, didn't you just know?"

Yes, we did, Mr. Talker. We most certainly did.

UPDATE: Somehow, I expected the reaction that the Drudge headline has been getting around the 'sphere, which has varied between dismissing it outright and treating it as not worth comment (i.e. not posting at all). Takes the punch out of the humor, but does invite comparisons with the wild accusations continually leveled against Bush, et al, which seem to be widely adopted from the DUmpster all the way to the head of the DNC. -- a4g

Friday, June 10, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

On Being Abandoned In Las Vegas

Posted by Stephen Hawking @ 6/10/2005 04:06:00 PM

Press ► (play) on the player below to hear Stephen Hawking's post:

(Note that due to Prof. Hawking's advanced intelligence, he does not always subscribe to our shallow understanding of decorum or common decency - listener discretion sometimes advised)

Prof. Hawking offers his insight and wisdom on physics and life every Monday and Friday on Point Five.

On Fetal Stem Cell Research
On The Future of The EU Constitution
On the Viability of Wormholes
On The Plausibility of the Science of Star Wars
On The Implications of the Theories of Fredrich Hund
On The Quality Of Life

Best Dressed Legislator Awards Ceremony

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 6/10/2005 03:17:00 PM

(To follow the Emperor's trip from the beginning, click here.)

Friday Afternoon

The moment that this entire week has been building to is finally upon us.

Senators and Representatives in the audience quiet themselves and take their seats, as the grand chamber of legislation and debate anxiously awaits a speaker.

But the man taking the podium is not there to filibuster.

No, he is a man of a different sort; a man to whom rambling speeches and pontification are foreign.

Ted Kennedy wipes mustard off his mouth and brushes the crumbs off his shirt. A lone figure approaches the podium, radiating raw sexuality and pure evil. The sounds of Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries echoes through the chamber.

"Senators, Representatives, I would like to welcome you all to the Point Five Blog's First Annual 'Best Dressed Legislator' Awards Ceremony." I rip open my shirt, and my bare-chested torso glints and sparkles, drawing gasps of amazement from the audience.

A fresh chest shaving is important before any major speech.

This is the moment I have prepared for all week. I have endured many trials and suffered much heartache. I now have but one purpose, to fulfill my solemn duty to hand out awards.

Note: I will not be giving awards to female Senators as I do not recognize the 19th amendment.

The Robert C. Byrd Picture of Sen. Robert C. Byrd (D-WV) comes in 6th place with his dazzling dark red tie and crisp suit.

Rep. Nathan Deal (R-GA) takes home the less-than-expected 5th place trophy.

Underdog Rep. Don Young (R-AK) surprises critics and takes home the 4th place trophy with his snappy suit and charming smile.

Ken Salazar (D-CO), wowing judges with his daring blue tie, takes home the 3rd place trophy in a hotly contested race for 2nd

Although in a fierce race with Sen. Salazar, Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS) dazzled judges with his mini-checkerboard tie, winning him 2nd place.

Treacherous Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) wins the 1st place trophy in an absolute blowout, taking 1st on every judges scorecard, but it is believed he will compromise with Sen. Byrd later this evening to take 6th.

And so I triumphantly conclude my trip to Washington. I will soon board the G550, and leave this hellhole of a city.

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

>>The Final Post Just Ahead>>

Govt Announces "Hayat To Hawaii" Program

Posted by a4g @ 6/10/2005 01:05:00 PM

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, the nation's top law enforcement officer, today announced the creation of the "Send a Terrorist to Hawaii" program, designed to stop Islamic extremism within the United States.

"With the arrest of Hamid Hayat and five other men in Lodi, California, on charges colluding with Al Qaeda, we asked ourselves 'Why do they hate us?' They live in our country, they see our wonderful freedoms. How can they want to kill us?"

But after actually visiting Lodi, the Attorney General had a startling revelation: Lodi was a dump. A check of previous terrorist arrests showed a shocking connection: Lodi, CA. Lackawanna, NJ. Detroit, MI.

All places nobody would want to live in.

"It was like the clouds parted and the bright light of realization shone through. We needed to get these terrorists to somewhere nice, like Hawaii, or Santa Barbara, or Key West. After all, cooped up in New Jersey, anybody would go a little crazy."

Osama issues a fatwa: against killin' his buzz!
It occurred to Gonzales he had read reports from Guantanamo detention facility of the cool trade winds and Caribbean lifestyle transforming crazy jihadis into Koran-desecrating fools, surpassing the guards by 3:1 in their disdain for the 'holy' book.

He hopes this same tactic will work on sleeper cells here in the US.

Congress will be considering funding the program in committee next week. The Justice Department is asking for $300 million to fund first class flights, hotel stays, helicopter trips, snorkeling, whale watching, and a "night life stipend" in order to seduce crazed Muslims into a decadent western lifestyle filled with booze, drugs, and hookers.

Get The Real Story:

The Counterterrorism Blog

Pimpin' on Mudville Gazette and Outside the Beltway.

An Old Adversary Emerges From The Shadows

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 6/10/2005 08:05:00 AM

(To follow the Emperor's trip from the beginning, click here.)

Friday Morning

Yes, it is true I did not post last night.

The many congratulatory emails I have received since then have made the understandable assumption that my date ended in a night of sweaty passion and screams of pleasure.

But I fear my reason for not posting was not the fault of carnal indulgence, but rather a tragedy that I find it difficult to capture with words.

It has been a harrowing fifteen hours.

I arrived at the Target food court at 5:00 PM, just as Cindy and I had planned. I waited for several hours, munching on popcorn and all-beef hot dogs and microwave pizza in my nervous anticipation. All the while worrying what had happened to my love.

Some moments I was indignant. Does she know who she is standing up? My Elite Aryan Shock Troopers have destroyed civilizations! I am The Evil Emperor Mindstation!

I contacted Wal-Mart and tried to ascertain her whereabouts. They said they didn't have an employee named Cindy Brady. I tried to describe her, but they hung up. I called the phone number she gave me, and all I got was a valve manufacturer in Ohio. I searched for her name in the phone book. Nothing! I tried the names of her family members: Marsha, Greg, Jan, Peter, Bobby -- nothing! In desperation, I called the operator and was told that no one by the name of Cindy Brady lived in the D.C. area.

And then it became clear. No mere woman could have fooled me thus.

This was the work of a much darker force. Yes, dear readers, my old enemy. Nemesis and tormentor. The name which cannot be spoken: Haley Joel Osment.

It all became clear. The way the crowds in Wal-Mart had seemed to force me to register seven.

Her dyed black hair.
Her death-mask face, studded with bearings and baubles.
Her plump arms, tatooed with naked women being ravished by devils.

How could I have resisted such a vision? How could I have been such a fool?

And he knew all along I would take the bait. He knows me better than I know myself.

I spent last night wandering the streets of Washington, D.C., in a vain attempt to discover where he had locked her away. Mostly I sobbed. And even the sounds of Wagner's magnificient Ride of the Valkyries did not bring me the usual pleasure. I had Deiter and Franz stand back a bit, while I indulged in Imperial self-pity.

The solemn duty of Empire calls me now. I must complete the purpose that drew me to this bewitching city in the first place. I will plan my next move against my nemesis at some other time.

In the meanwhile, I shall vent my anger on Lars.

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

>>There's More! Read the rest>>

Unblockable Porn

Posted by a4g @ 6/10/2005 06:05:00 AM

To the reader who visited Point Five this morning at 3:15am, having been directed to us from page 8 of his yahoo search for "unblockable porn":

Good luck, young man! Your eternal optimism is a shining light in a sea of dispair. May the gods of porn be with you!

Parents may wish to go here.

UPDATE: Interesting thing about a post titled "Unblockable Porn." Evidently it has the power to take you right to the top of Google.

What do you think would have happened if I had used my original title, "Coprophagia and Necrophilia?"

Thursday, June 09, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

My Official State Visit

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 6/09/2005 12:04:00 PM

(To follow the Emperor's trip from the beginning, click here.)

Thursday Afternoon

State visits are one of the dreadful necessities of my position. The parade of humorless world leaders that have wandered through The Palace of Ultimate Evil is too dull to even contemplate. Yet the official visit from which I have just returned is one of the few that I have actually looked forward to in my long, evil reign.

I first became intrigued by your George W Bush when he was the deliciously murderous Governor of Texas. His iron will in the dispensing of executions was so legendary that it even penetrated the high, razor-wired walls of the Palace. My interest was further piqued when I learned of the mathematical formula that proved that "Bush = Hitler." Fascinating.

Surely, this George W Bush is an equal to myself in pure evil malice. From his Gulags in Gitmo, to the 100,000 ostensibly 'innocent' Iraqi civilians he massacred in cold blood, to his destruction of inconvenient 'personal liberties' with the wonderfully diabolical Patriot Act, this commoner has truly earned the Emperor's blessing.

So during my tour of his White House home, I decided to leave the pleasantries of my itinerary, and abandoned the group with which I was touring. I was impatient to meet this George W Bush to congratulate him personally.

A misunderstanding with White House security unfortunately cut short my visit, but I did manage to capture a few pictures while I was hiding out in a janitorial closet to escape their taser guns.

My admiration for this George W Bush grows. Even his choice of cleaning products impresses! We clearly both share a love for dear Adolph.

Mr. Bush likes his dishes sparklingly White. Just like me!


And this beautiful doomed lover reminded me of my own love for Cindy.

I was forced to leave the White House in order to ready myself for tonight's date with Cindy. We can thank Lars for sneaking The Digital Camera of Ultimate Evil through the full body search that was performed on each of us before our release from custody.

He is certainly a trooper and a quick thinker, and now the only member of my sycophants who knows what it feels like to be in a Turkish prison.

Now I'm off to Target, to meet my raven haired love.

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

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