Judge Rules Ban On Gay Marriage in Calif. Unconstitutional

San Francisco County Supreme Court Judge Richard Kramer ruled Monday that California's statewide ban on gay marriage is unconstitutional. In his decision, he cited numerous other occasions of judicial tyranny and international law as the basis. "A basic human right is to be able to stick your wiener in another guy's butt," Kramer said to reporters. "This right has been recognized by nations thoughout human history."

Kramer also cited one of the state's constitutional clauses that says, "All homosexuals are allowed to get married." Our sources were unable to verify whether such a clause exists.

Gay marriage advocates said that punishing someone for having different genes was wrong. Social scientist Judd Garmen commented on this, saying, "Homosexuality is the only human quality that is genetic, everything else is cultural."

Opponents of gay marriage have promised to fight the ruling but were told by state courts to "give up."

For Dan Rather, Retirement Brings New Challenges

He once reigned supreme over the jewel in the crown of network news, the anchor of the vaunted CBS evening news broadcast. He was on call any minute of the day or night, ready to break an important bulletin.

But he's no longer Mr. Rather anymore. Now, they just call him Dan.

"You'd think he'd be all high and mighty," says Charlie Pruitt, "but I think he's truly happy here." Charlie is one of Dan's new found friends, who he faithfully meets each morning to discuss the day's news stories over coffee. But instead of the unblinking eye of CBS, now they chat under the golden arches.

"I've got to have my coffee," says Lorraine Liebowitz. "So does Dan. We call that corner over there 'The Newsroom'. He fits right in here."

"He gets here right at six fifteen every morning, right on time," says a man who identified himself only as Pete. "Sets up his things, goes to work on his stories. One thing Dan has learned here, is that it's not where you are that makes you important, but what you are."




Rather works on a story from 'The Newsroom'

Bush Admin's Assassination Of Italian Journalist Fails

U.S. Forces opened fire on an Italian journalist Giuliana Sgrena as she and an Italian intelligence officer were headed towards Baghdad Airport. Sgrena had recently been released from her captors and was headed back to Italy.

"The US has targeted Sgrena and will stop at nothing until she is dead" said Eason Jordon in an exclusive interview "[the US] is angry about the tape she was forced to make and wants her dead" The tape being a video released last month showing her pleading for her life and ordering colalition troops to leave Iraq.

Sbrena "had uncovered something the US doesn't want people to know, that's why they faked her kidnapping and tried to kill her. It was probably about Bush rigging last year's election" Jordon later commented.

"I was there when Mazen Dana was killed; he had pictures of US troops committing war crimes and I have the pictures to prove it." An unnamed Journalist said, "This goes all the way to Furher Bush." He declined to surrender the photographs when asked.

Campaign Financing Law Sets Agenda For Upcoming Posts

In compliance with the new limitations on blogging coming from the McCain/Feingold Campaign Financing Act, we have recieved approval from the FEC for our upcoming posts. You may notice a slight change in tone around here. Revised list of upcoming topics:

• Democrats Super Good, Republicans Super Evil
• Bush Discovered To Be Anti-Christ, Democrats Say I Told You So
  
• Karl Rove Plans To Takeover World, Can Howard Dean Stop Him?
  
• New Nat'l Guard Docs Revealed: Bush's Real Name Chimpy McHitler!
  
• Free Market Economy Causes Cancer, New Study Says
• Ted Kennedy: All Drugs Should Be Legalized, But Bush Still Evil For Taking Them
• Lower Taxes Cause Poverty, New Theory Suggests
  

Terrorists Threaten To Poison Water Supply, Homeland Security Not Worried

Earlier this morning, Al Jazeera made public a statement from Al Qaida, which, among other things, threatened to poison America's water supplies. Incoming Homeland Security director Michael Chertoff issued a statement saying, "No one important will be harmed. Most Americans middle class and above don't drink tap water. I'm sure there are other people in America, but frankly, I don't know who they are."

"[Middle class] people just don't drink tap water anymore, its gone the way of Amtrak and JFK Jr.," said Frank Barnes, spokesman for the American Beverage Council. "People drink Coke and Fuji water, not that crap that comes from your sink... Have you actually tried tap water lately?"

The White House declined to comment.

German unemployment rate soars to new heights in February

In an completely unexpected turn of events, unemployment reached an all time high in Germany. The massive number of unemployed has been attributed to the slow growth of the Germany economy; 1% growth predicted in 2005. This has prompted many German lawmakers to push for a nationwide ban on slow economic growth and unemployment.

"It just isn't fair!" Frederick Von Hegel, a German legislator, said on Saturday. "American imperialism is hurting Germany. The instability in the Middle East is spilling over into Europe... The [instability] has leapfrogged over Turkey, Hungary and Austria, straight into Germany".

Qazi Mohammad, a Berlin Imam, said to reporters "[The] Zionist Israelis are starting their war against the Most Blessed Prophet, they are trying to subvert Islam's cowardly infidel slave Germany". The EU has refused official comment but has hinted at high level American involvement.

Could this be the work of Karl Rove?