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Monday, July 25, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Okay, I Guess It's Time Now

Posted by a4g @ 7/25/2005 11:26:00 AM

We're going to start posting over at the new Point Five.

That's http://pointfiveblog.com!

Update your blogrolls! Or use this as the perfect opportunity to drop us altogether!

Goodbye "free."
Hello "I can't believe I'm paying money to waste my own time."

Saturday, July 23, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Bush Graces Triumphant Cover Of Newsweek

Posted by a4g @ 7/23/2005 06:07:00 AM

In the midst of all the partisan bickering that fills talk radio and the internet, it's easy to forget about the real legislative advances that are working their way into law, completely beneath the radar.

Newsweek highlights one such victory in next week's issue. Check it out:

Linked on Wizbang, MVRWC.

Friday, July 22, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Hillary Accuses Roberts of Not Lying About Beliefs

Posted by a4g @ 7/22/2005 12:14:00 PM

Sen. Hillary Clinton on Friday harshly criticized Supreme Court nominee John Roberts over his failure to lie about his deeply held beliefs.

"If one is going to claim to keep 'deeply held beliefs,' the Senator believes they should be kept, well... deep," said George Baker, a spokesman for the junior Senator from New York. "Sure, these beliefs exist. Sure, they're part of an overall plan to reshape America in her-- I mean, his-- own image. But they should be reframed, packaged, perhaps even contradicted in a brazen move to the center. But never be revealed!"

The Senator said the Robert's failure to create a "mainstream, centrist" characterization of himself in the popular imagination was a sign of "deep narcissism and dangerous transparency."

She further criticized his judicial decisions, claiming that they were heavy-handed, judgmental and "legalistic."

She also noted that Judge Roberts had a peculiar lack of "unexplained deaths" surrounding him. She hinted at perhaps a sinister explanation, since, in the America she knows and loves, "people you know just start dropping dead all over the place."

Get The Real Story:
Linked on Mudville, OTB.

Go Give The Therapist Your Prayers

Posted by a4g @ 7/22/2005 09:01:00 AM

The Therapist is dealing with the impending loss of his father.

Go visit.

On The Passing of 'Scotty'

Posted by Stephen Hawking @ 7/22/2005 06:09:00 AM

Press ► (play) on the player below to hear Stephen Hawking's post:

(Note that due to Prof. Hawking's advanced intelligence, he does not always subscribe to our shallow understanding of decorum or common decency - listener discretion sometimes advised)

Prof. Hawking offers his insight and wisdom on physics and life every Friday on Point Five.

On The Space Shuttle Launch Delay
On The Bombing Of London
On The Probing Of Comet Tempel 1
On The Theory of Relativity
On Fetal Stem Cell Research
On The Future of The EU Constitution

Linked at Mudville.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Critics: Al Qaeda's Remake of 7/7 a Bomb

Posted by a4g @ 7/21/2005 06:01:00 PM

Joining the ranks of other summer disappointments, including Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Bewitched, and War of The Worlds, the 7/21 London bombing is being assailed by critics as "derivative," "unremarkable," and "lacking the punch of the original."

Industry experts believe is the first-ever terrorist "remake," signaling an important shift in the War On Terror, as Al Qaeda seems to have lost the creative jihadi fire that originally took them to the top, and now are just basically throwing a hodgepodge of tired ideas against the wall and hoping they stick.

Point Five's film critic, Rex Randall, noted: "None of the original cast was available for this production. Most of the actors in the original plot were blown up at the end of the last scene. The creative team behind the original are for the most part in custody, or on the run. It feels like this one was just made in a shameless rush to make some quick violence."

But military analyst Buck Dawson sees a dark side to the attacks. "If Al Qaeda is starting to adopt Hollywood-style techniques, then this conflict is about to go to a brand new level. There's not an intelligence agency in the world that will be able to keep track of their finances. And we've seen what they can do with boxcutters, can you imagine if they were to get their hands on the script for Baby Geniuses III? We're talking thermonuclear diaper gravy."

Al Jazzeera was unable to respond to our offer for comment, but they did promise us we could "do lunch" at a later date.

Radicals Launch Second Set of London Attacks

Posted by a4g @ 7/21/2005 10:53:00 AM

Four bombings shook London today, In an eerie repeat of the 7/7 attacks, three subways and one bus were hit. Fortunately, the bombs did not take any lives, and the manhunt is on for the bombers.

Terrorism experts are in wide agreement that today's attack was an exploratory strike, meant to gauge the anger level of western countries in the face of ongoing terrorism.

"When the coalition forces went into Afghanistan after the 9/11 attacks, American anger level was at about 7% Pissed Off on the Johnson Scale." The Johnson Scale is a widely used indictator of Western vengeance levels.

With the attacks of 7/21, it is believed the level may be raised to 8% Pissed Off.

"Al Qaeda appears to have adopted a strategy similar to that dumbs**t friend you had in fifth grade, who thought it was really funny to tease the neighbor's Rottweiler by poking it with a stick."

America has not gone above 23% Pissed Off in modern history, which was reached when America dropped two nuclear bombs on Japanese civilians to prove an important point about starting a war with the greatest nation that has ever existed.

The only time America ever reached 100% Pissed Off was in a time completely lost to history, over 523 million years ago, when the Original America got pissed off at some particularly irritating trilobytes. The resulting retaliation is widely known as "The Precambrian Mass Extinction", and was responsible for the elimination of 90% of all life on Earth.

So keep it coming, Al Qaeda "Masterminds."

You may think you are detonating bombs, but you are really only lighting a very slow fuse.

Get The Real Story:
Michelle Malkin has a running roundup, Rusty asks if might not fit the IRA M.O., Wizbang, The Anchoress has remedial help for those who wonder why we fight.

Carnival Of Comedy Finally "Movin' On Up"

Posted by a4g @ 7/21/2005 09:42:00 AM

The Carnival Of Comedy's investment in a cleaning business finally paid off, as it has relocated to tony new digs in IsFullOfCrap, out of the IMAO ghetto.

Visit and die!

I mean, laugh.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

China Drops UNOCAL Bid, Makes Offer on Supreme Court

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 7/20/2005 07:43:00 PM

Outraged over their failed plan to purchase UNOCAL, Chinese officials, determined to own a controlling interest in America's future, have announced their intent to engage in a hostile takeover of the Supreme Court.

The purchase comes at an ideal time for China, as the general tenor of the court will tip precipitously pro-American with the confirmation of John G Roberts as the 109th justice of the court. It is believed that Beijing believes ownership of the court will allow it to fire whichever justices do not give it special favor in rulings on "open trade, gross polluters, and the rescinding of all worker safety and child labor laws."

In an heroic effort to stop communist infiltration, an American corporation has made a counter-bid on the court. Calvin Klein has tendered a $3.5 billion offer, and promised to move the Supreme Court to its "Live Billboard" located in New York City. The live billboard is currently home to about 40 models who are paid to simulate a 24-hour party, two stories above the city streets.

"Think about it", said Calvin Klein representative Joseph Gutenberg, "Instead of partying models, pedestrians will now be able to view live Supreme Court hearings, and experience the justices as they go about their daily lives. And if you think models know how to party, wait until you meet Ginsburg!"

The company has said that the new "Courtboard" will primarily be used to advertise new law-themed products, such as Calvin Klein's Obsession v. Ralph Lauren Blue.

Bystanders at street-level will also be treated to a special glimpse of what lies beneath the judges' robes. Wide-brim hat vendors are expected to experience exponential profit increases as their headwear comes into high demand due to its peripheral-vision-obscuring properties.

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Get The Real Story:
Linked on Mudville Gazette and OTB.

Dem Dirty Tricks in Roberts Nomination

Posted by a4g @ 7/20/2005 06:28:00 AM

A broken fax machine in DNC headquarters delayed Democrat talking points receipients from "formulating their own opinions" on the John Roberts nomination last night. The delay gave Republican spokespeople a slight edge in the opening salvo of what promises to be a contentious battle to replace the open seat on the Supreme Court left in the wake of the retirement of jurist Sandra Day O'Connor.

The Democrat Meltdown Meter, buried deep within an "undisclosed location," inches ever closer to red with the announcement of John G Roberts as Bush's SCOTUS pick.
Point Five gained exclusive access to a Democrat planning session as the minority party discussed how to bitterly oppose the nominee, who most at the meeting described as "very well qualified" and "an extremely nice guy."

"Outrageous!" said one top Democrat operative. "The Chimp has a lot of nerve nominating Roberts, who we have very little against. Injecting that kind of twisted moderation into a politically charged environment like a judiciary battle is just another reason for us to oppose Bush and his cronies."

Chuck Schumer pressed hard his "won't answer questions" line of attack, but most at the meeting thought that Roberts refusal to answer questions such as "What is my favorite color?" and "What famous actress am I picturing right now?" didn't rise to the level of hysteria neccessary to block the nomination.

Linda Huron, who represented abortion-rights organization NARAL at the planning session, said, "Abortion. Abortion, abortion, abortion. Abortion abortion. Abortion abortion. Abortion!"

As much as all present agreed with her input, it was decided that her elaborate plan was perhaps a little too narrowly focused to "capture the imagination of the American people."

However, the dour mood changed to elation when Sen. Ted Kennedy, in an act of extreme selflessness, bravely offered up his own record to replace Roberts' in the confirmation battle. After which, all assembled seemed to agree that the fight had taken on a new life.

The Democrats have decided to attack Roberts on the following points:

  • Roberts was kicked out of Harvard for cheating.
  • Roberts is ranked second on the Book of Lists "Most Dangerous Clowns"
  • Roberts is a raging alcoholic whose slurred speech and reckless rhetoric makes him ill-suited for the court.

When Point Five asked about the difficult of changing a lifetime's worth of records for the two men, we were met with a blank stare. "Changing whaaa?"

Get The Real Story:Linked on Mudville and OTB

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Gynecologists React to Tancredo's "Nuke Mecca"

Posted by a4g @ 7/19/2005 06:43:00 AM

After Congressman Tom Tancredo stated on Florida talk radio that he thought an appropriate response to another attack against America might be to nuke Mecca, gynecologists are reporting record levels of new pregnancy among their red-state clients. It is believed that the thought of nuking Muslims sends the average conservative voter into a frenzy of sexual passion that cannot be contained.

Social scientists use this device to gauge sexual reaction to various stimuli. Images of violence against Muslims send most conservatives off the scale.
"We're not quite ready to say that definitively," said Dr. Marvin Lamstein, a Miami OB/GYN. "But there's clearly a trend. Our data show an almost exact red state/blue state overlay."

Linda Stevens, of Peace Action Now!, was happy to offer her opinion. "It's all about conservatives repressing their sexuality, so it comes back out as violence. So when Tom Tancredo starts talking about nuking a bunch of innocent Saudis, everybody in Jesusland gets horny. It's sick."

"We're not repressed," said Syd Olanski, lead guitarist with the Christian rock group Guns 'N' Marital Love, stroking the barrel of his Glock M-22 .40 S&W. "There is nothing more exciting than the committed love between one man and one woman, performing the unitive act in the sanctity of their conjugal bed. Not two men together. Not two women. Not two men and one woman. Not three women and one man. Not two guys, two girls, a domination trapeeze and an oiled chihuahua.... Excuse me, I need to get to the shooting range."

The Point Five editorial board sent out our cub reporter, Jimmy Jacobs, to investigate. As usual, Jimmy was reluctant to help our with our little experiment, but he is easily intimidated and eventually relented.

Jimmy took a set of graphically sexually explicit flash cards into a deeply 'red' neighborhood to gauge the reactions of typical conservative Americans. After knocking on hundreds of doors and confronting whomever answered with a randomly selected card, Jimmy returned with his fascinating results.

  • By far the most popular response was 'Punch in the mouth', at 47%.
  • 'Groin kick' came in a distant, but respectable second at 26%.
  • 'Door slammed on fingers' occurred at a rate of 14%.
  • 'What the hell are you showing to my daughter' weighed in at 12%.
  • 'Mmmm... who are you, little boy?' yielded just one response, from a 73-year-old Marlon Tucker, who followed Jimmy back to the Point Five offices and had to be escorted out by police.
Jimmy refused to return to the neighborhood with a set of flashcard depicting various high-caliber weapons, but we're certain the results would have been very different.

Get The Real Story:I suppose the real question is whether we are in the War On Terror, or in a prolonged attempt to avoid it and perhaps circumvent it. Daffyd at Captain's Quarters analyzes, Hugh Hewitt wants an apology,
LaShawn says its a kerfuffle and defends, Jawa Report is asking for feedback.

Monday, July 18, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Bush Vows That Plame Controversy Won't Humiliate MSM

Posted by a4g @ 7/18/2005 01:40:00 PM

President Bush today promised reporters that their relentless harping on Karl Rove in connection with the leak of the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame would not end up making them look like fools.

Speaking at a press conference with Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, he reassured reporters that unlike stories relating to the TANG memos, Koran desecrations at Guantanamo Bay, the Downing Street Memo, the Iraq-Al Qaeda connection, "the abortion," John Kerry's supposed intellectual superiority, "the sole justification for the war," or the Al Qaqaa munitions dump, this controversy is not likely to fizzle or backfire upon them.

He invited members of the press to continue their attacks, saying "nucular" three times in a row just to remind them how far superior they were to the Most Powerful Man on Earth.

He also reiterated his promise to fire anyone guilty of committing a crime in the Plame case, which quickly cleared the room as reporters rushed out to file reports on what they believed was a 'gotcha' moment for Karl Rove. One reporter leaving the news conference was overheard wondering out loud, "could there be anyone stupider than Bush?"

Get The Real Story:
Linked at Mudville , OTB, MVRWC.

NY Times Demands Miller Be Transferred to Gitmo

Posted by a4g @ 7/18/2005 01:05:00 PM

As Judith Miller begins her second week in a Virginia jail, NY Times Executive Editor Bill Keller said Monday that "the food has not agreed with her and we have been trying to impress on her that she needs to eat. We have been hammering that in."

He is joining an angry chorus of supporters who are demanding that Miller be transferred to the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay, where her delicate temperament will be better served.

"Judith is especially partial to Baked Tandouri Chicken Breast, Mustard-Dill Baked Fish, Lyonnaise Rice, and Fish Amandine. The grey-green slop offered in Virginia just doesn't compare."

Also concerning her supporters is the hip-hop and rap music videos normally played on the prison television. "Judith would much prefer the individual video screens offered at Gitmo."

As a reporter for the NY Times, Keller believes Miller is "uniquely suited" to being classified as an "unlawful enemy combatant," which would qualify her for a trip to the Cuban detention facility.

"We believe that Judith would quickly learn the techniques of spitting, feces-throwing and holy-book desecration that is common among prisoners at Gitmo. You only need to look as far as her writing to see that."

As to being splashed with urine through an air vent, Miller said, "Judith never brings her personal life to the office."

Video Image of Roman Polanski To Be Extradited

Posted by a4g @ 7/18/2005 06:52:00 AM

A shocking surprise disrupted a London courtroom on Monday, as British police stormed the chambers and made an unexpected arrest.

Claimant Roman Polanski was using video link technology to testify in London while remaining safely in Paris in his libel case against Vanity Fair, over the magazine's allegations that the director seduced a woman on the way to his murdered wife's funeral in 1968.

But British police were able to seize the video monitor containing the image of Roman Polanski, and are now preparing to extradite it to the United States, from where Polanski fled after pleading guilty to having sex with a 13-year-old girl.

The monitor will soon be on a flight to the US, escorted by armed officers, to begin serving the sentence that Polanski fled in 1977.

"Imagine turning on your computer, and instead of the Carribean island wallpaper you had on your desktop, there's nothing but the cold walls of a prison cell behind your program icons. Well, Polanski's going to be staring at that image for a long time."

It is not known whether the incarceration of Polanksi's image will affect him in other media, such as television or print. As interview requests have poured in, his attorney's have offered no comment.

One thing is for sure, the 13-year-old girl known only as 'CuteMonica' in the 'Horny Teens' chat room on TeenSpot is going to have to find a new 'FranticMan.'

Sunday, July 17, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Working On The New Site

Posted by a4g @ 7/17/2005 08:17:00 AM

Sorry, no time for content this morning. Working on the new site, which we hope to get up and running sometime in the coming week. Problem is, our plans keep getting more elaborate and byzantine. We'll probably have to do a gradual phase-in of our more elaborate plans (in other words, "give up").

In the mean time, visit these sites and give them a little extra traffic. (Every visitor counts. And that's about what I'm offering. A visitor. So since you're the only one, how about getting on board, eh?)

Doug at Waking Ambrose tries audioblogging. I read the story, but I'm determined to listen to the audioblog before I comment over there. Probably won't get to it 'til late tonight. Why don't you beat me to it?

Dymphna has a little fun with the word Undermining.

Patriot Xeno offers an excerpt from the Book of Xeno.

Dr. Phat Tony continues a story that he started sometime during the middle ages.

Conservative UAW Guy has access to a really big gun.

Another week in the can. Point Five Out.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Nuclear Experts Calm Fears Over China Threats

Posted by a4g @ 7/16/2005 06:00:00 AM

American nuclear scientists gathered today in an amazing show of solidarity to calm fears, after China's chilling threat to use a nuclear strike against the United States.

Gen Zsu of the People's Republic of China said in a speech on Thursday:

“We . . . will prepare ourselves for the destruction of all of the cities east of Xian. Of course the Americans will have to be prepared that hundreds . . . of cities will be destroyed by the Chinese.”

The truck mounted WO-13 "Fragrant Triple Green Jade with Multiple Warhead" nuclear missile
Gen Zhu was chosen to speak for the Chinese because they believe his name will "strike fear into ordinary Americans," based on their research into the American psyche via extensive study of comic book villians. Zhu is a self-acknowledged "“nutjob filthy commie"” who has warned that China could strike the US with long-range missiles.

But America's nuclear scientists have struck back with hard science.

"The nuclear strike against us would seem fearsome at first," said Dr. Roland McNurtry. "But it is well-known that Chinese radioactivity leaves the ecosystem within just a few hours. No matter how full our soil and rivers seem with deadly fallout, we would find ourselves ready to absorb another strike long before our next meal."

Scientists believe that the unique admixtures and methods of preparation of Chinese nuclear devices may have something to do with their short-lived potency. "We expect a level of general discomfort lasting from 30-45 minutes for the average American."

He noted however that some sensitive individuals might find themselves with a mighty headache. He said his group was recommending a large scale MSG detection network to help alleviate this danger.

Get The Real Story:
Linked on Wizbang, Mudville

Friday, July 15, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

On The Space Shuttle Launch Delay

Posted by Stephen Hawking @ 7/15/2005 07:48:00 AM

Press ► (play) on the player below to hear Stephen Hawking's post:

(Note that due to Prof. Hawking's advanced intelligence, he does not always subscribe to our shallow understanding of decorum or common decency - listener discretion sometimes advised)

Prof. Hawking offers his insight and wisdom on physics and life every Friday on Point Five.

On The Bombing Of London
On The Probing Of Comet Tempel 1
On The Theory of Relativity
On Fetal Stem Cell Research
On The Future of The EU Constitution
On the Viability of Wormholes

Moral Debate: Procedure Makes Monkeys More Human

Posted by a4g @ 7/15/2005 07:12:00 AM

The insertion of human stem cells into monkey brains runs a "real risk" of altering the animals' abilities in ways that might make them more like us, scientists said today.

The research has set off a debate among medical ethicists over where the boundaries of their research should lie, and forced them to ask questions about when science has gone too far.

"Does this cage make me look fat?"
Already, the monkeys receiving human brain cells in the study have gone from curious, fun-loving creatures, to weight-obsessed, television-addicted blowhards with an almost insatiable hunger for internet porn. Most of their vocalizations have been centering around the relative merits of various Ipod playlists. They refuse to eat their regular diet of bananas and leafy greens unless they are certified organic, and several have begun a macrobiotic diet intended to "purge the system of toxins."

Worse, when one of the researchers dropped a cell phone in the enclosure, the monkeys refused to give it back, and instead yell loudly into it on an almost continual basis.

The final straw for the scientists was when the monkeys grabbed clipboards and labcoats and started studying them.

"We've learned that for the most part, monkeys are assholes," said Dr. Marlon Briggs, head of the research team. Dr. Briggs claims that he was purposefully left off the invitation list to a party held last Friday at one of the more popular monkey's cages. "Tinkerbell thinks she's hot s**t just because she slept with Grayback," said Dr. Briggs, "but wait until she finds out that Lucy spent Tuesday night in Grayback's cage. Bitch."

Although some scientists expressed concern that these genetically enhanced monkeys might take over the world, the researchers involved in the study were not worried. "They've begun forming rudimentary political parties. This not only gives them an appropriate outlet for their legendary feces throwing, but also assures complete gridlock in any planning for world domination."

Get The Real Story:
Linked on Outside the Beltway and Mudville Gazette.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Pope Condemns Harry Potter

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 7/14/2005 07:05:00 PM

Pope Benedict XVI, in a just published letter that was written before he became the 265th pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church, criticized the Harry Potter children's novels, calling the books "subtle seductions that... have a deep effect and corrupt the Christian faith in souls even before it could properly grow."

His comments have sparked an uproar among Harry Potter fans.

"This attack against us cannot be tolerated. We are not a bunch of crazed Satan worshippers," said a woman who identified herself as Morning Autumn, as she proceeded through the intricate rituals necessary to place a curse on Pope Benedict. She was part of a large crowd of dorks congregated around a downtown Seattle bookstore, awaiting the Friday release of the 6th book in the Harry Potter series, entitled Harry Potter and the Late Onset Acne.

The furor has forced the Pope to clarify his statements to indicate that his main objection to the books is not "the charming witchcraft and wizardry," but that Harry Potter is "too racially impure". The Pope, however has said that his opposition has nothing to do with the he time spent in the Hitler Youth, involvement that was entirely coerced, and "just one of those crazy things we German youth were doing at the time."

"Zis Harry Potter. He is black hair and green eyes. Much better would be the blonde hair and blue eyes," the Pope said through his spokesman.

The Vatican provided this photoshopped picture to Point Five, with a note from Benedict XVI saying, "I like the unique scar on Harry Potter's forehead, but I felt it was backwards, and there should be two of them."

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Administration Meltdown Over Rehnquist Replacement

Posted by a4g @ 7/14/2005 02:37:00 PM

Top sources have revealed that open war has broken out within the Bush administration over the replacement for SCOTUS Chief Justice William Rehnquist, whose retirement is being widely discussed in the wake of his hospitalization yesterday.

Administration officials ask what is most essential in a potential justice, age or race?
Although still mum on his future on the court, it is widely believed that Rehnquist will step down in time for a new Chief Justice to be confirmed for the court's next session.

But within the administration, hard lines have been drawn from different factions over what sort of man should replace the ailing Chief.

"We have to replace a Scandinavian with another Scandinavian," says a top advisor to the President, who is leading the charge for Michael Luttig, whose Scandinavian-sounding name brings solid Norse credentials.

But an equally vocal faction has arisen that believes that it is most appropriate to appoint an octogenarian, ailing man to replace the octogenarian, ailing Rehnquist. "You replace a Thurgood Marshall with a Clarence Thomas, if you know what I mean. And while the American people don't want to hear words like 'quotas,' we feel that they'll be most comfortable with a justice who will wear a cap and walk with a cane."

That camp is supporting actor Charlton Heston, born just three days after Rehnquist on October 4, 1924, who they believe will be amenable to cap-wearing and cane-assisted walking.

The Heston group was pleasantly surprised when informed by Point Five of Heston's strident support of gun rights, but disappointed by our further explanation that he was suffering from advanced Alzheimer's. Still, they remained undaunted.

One thing both sides could agree upon. They weren't going to let judicial philosophy or temperament get in the way of the selection of a racially and age appropriate replacement for the court.

Get The Real Story:

Linked on Mudville Gazette, Basil's Blog, Beltway Traffic Jam.

Drudge To Replace Flashing Siren With Fluorescent

Posted by a4g @ 7/14/2005 07:15:00 AM

The millions of people who visit The Drudge Report daily may notice something a little different this summer.

As state demand for electricity overwhelms the aging power grid, electric utilities throughout California are preparing for the typical summer routine of threatened rolling brown-outs. As usual, they are asking companies throughout the state to conserve power.

Matt Drudge, now based in Florida but still retaining ties, and fondness, for his former home in California, has answered the call, redesigning the famous "flashing siren" for breaking news with an energy-smart fluorescent version.

"Fluorescent lighting is 3 times more energy efficient than a standard incandescent bulb. With an average of 9.3 million page views daily, were talking about savings of... well, probably a lot."

UPDATE: It must be Drudge Day in satireland. The Therapist has more Drudge news. Linked on Mudville Gazette.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Shuttle Falls to Last Place In JD Power Quality Survey

Posted by a4g @ 7/13/2005 07:01:00 AM

An embarrasing setback occurred yesterday for NASA technicians readying the shuttle Discovery for launch when a temporary window covering fell off, damaging some of the heat-resistant tiles on the tail. Although quickly repaired, the mishap caps a long series of setbacks and problems for the aging shuttle fleet.

The shuttle falls below the dreadful Mercedes E-Class in initial quality

Now comes word that the prestigious JD Power Inital Quality Survey has ranked the shuttle dead last, below such problem-causers as the Mercedes-Benz E Class and the Nissan Quest.

"This is a real black eye for NASA," said Waylon Post, a science writer with the Houston Press-Examiner. "They've been working overtime to create the first truly non-exploding shuttle, but even just sitting still on the launch platform, the thing seems to have an innate desire to come apart."

Besides the temporary window problem, JD Power cites frequently problematic toilets, lackluster braking, poorly designed driver instrumentation, and frequent disintegration, as among the shuttle's problems.

NASA, for their part, has tried to quell public fears by completely redesigning many of the systems on the aging shuttle fleet, and by replacing the crew of trained astronauts with the cast of Bravo's Being Bobby Brown.

"If there is to be a problem on this mission, we're trying to make sure there's an upside in the tragedy. Nobody wants to see astronauts die."

Still, the general concensus was that "the exploration of space must go on," although it was unclear what new insights the low-earth orbit reachable by the shuttle could offer.

Tasks on this mission include testing to see if bananas still peel into three strips in reduced gravity, and several days of photography contracted by Google Maps.

Get The Real Story:

Linked on Mudville , Basil's, and Outside The Beltway.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Computers Revolutionize Classrooms in Unexpected Ways

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 7/12/2005 02:42:00 PM

An Arizona high school has announced its intent to begin a move to an all electronic curriculum. Students will not have ordinary textbooks but will instead be given wireless laptop computers.

The program's proponents stated that the new $2000-a-piece laptops will give students the edge in an increasingly digital world, allowing them unique opportunities to go head-to-head with friends in Unreal Tournament 2004.

"How are students going to learn in the oppressive book and paper school environment that we have today? These students need the important skills that the 21st century workplace demands, like being able to instant message friends and participate in cyber sex without getting caught by the boss."

But opponents of the plan are skeptical. "We're concerned about our children spending all their school time playing Unreal Tournament. Half-Life 2 is much better," said Jason Holbrook, a concerned parent. Mr. Holbrook is widely regarded among his co-workers as the finest Half-Life 2 player at Roland & Jacobs, a top Phoenix accounting firm.

Students explore exciting new avenues of learning with their laptop computers. Extra credit is given for visits to blogs sounding like "Foint Pive".

Parental concerns aside, students are strongly in the support of the plan, as George Peterson, a 11th grade student at Jefferson High, said as he hacked into the military simulation computer WOPR to play a game of Global Thermonuclear War from his sparkling new laptop. "I call him Joshua," Peterson said of his computer opponent. "And yes, I would like to play a game."

However, the laptops are not toys, said Jeff Gumman, the principal at the high school. "We expect the students to not slack off. Only essential tasks, such as hacking CollegeBoard, or checking the current time in Iceland, are allowed".

Officials are reassuring the state government that the cost for the project will be manageable, and not "completely and totally economically crippling." That reassurance was enough for the endorsement of the teacher's union, who didn't want their particular area of expertise infringed upon.

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Get The Real Story:
Linked on Outside The Beltway and Basil's

Stunning Shift In WOT As Liberals Join The Cause

Posted by a4g @ 7/12/2005 07:19:00 AM

A dramatic shift in the attitudes of New Yorkers toward the war on terror now shows broad support for the policies of the Bush Administration.

The tipping point was reached just days ago, as cellular service was cut off in the four tunnels leading to Manhattan.

"I felt trapped, like I was suffocating. Like the tunnel would be my coffin."
"Today, it finally hit home," said Joshua Brinkman, an executive V.P. in an actuary firm and frequent contributor to liberal causes. His driver frequently uses the tunnels to get him onto the island, and he describes "being cut off, mid-sentence," during a call to his wife. Several harrowing minutes passed before he was able to re-establish contact.

"I had a lot of time to think in that tunnel," Brinkman said. "I thought about my wife, my little baby girl. I work in mid-town, so I guess it didn't really seem real on 9/11. But today, just like that, my connection dropped. I guess I never really thought it would happen to me."

Brinkman paused for a long time before describing the feeling of his cell phone service dropping as being similar to "jumping off the 101st floor of a building just to get away from the searing heat of the melting steel."

Brinkman, like many of the Manhattanites to whom Point Five spoke, showed a new interest in voting Republican. "I'm definitely going to give conservatives a look. As long as they're pro-abortion and gay marriage, and don't talk about all that silly Christian stuff, I think I'll be looking for the 'R' the next time I'm in the voting booth."

Get The Real Story:
Linked on Mudville Gazette, Basil's and The Jawa Report.

Bonfire Of The Vanities #106

Posted by a4g @ 7/12/2005 06:50:00 AM

The Bonfire rages over at File It Under. Like always, it was difficult for the editorial board at Point Five to settle on a single post to submit, but after plugging the bloody noses at the end of the board meeting, we finally settled on one.

And we even made the top "Trainwreck" category!

Anyway, visit and suffer.

Monday, July 11, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Earthworm Porn

Posted by a4g @ 7/11/2005 06:19:00 AM

There's nothing you can't find on the internet. Here's a little something for our earthworm readers to enjoy.

Kate: Barely Legal

Hot hermaphrodite action

Worms Gone Wild

Linked on Mudville Gazette and OTB.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

London Blast Timing Indicates New Terror Threat

Posted by a4g @ 7/10/2005 07:27:00 AM

London police have corrected initial claims, and reported that the three subway blasts on 7/7 were detonated within the span of a single minute. They explained that this sort of coordination reveals a deadly new capability on the part of Al-Qaeda terrorists.

"We're not very optimistic at this point," said John Warner, with the team investigating the tactical specifics of the attacks. "I think this conclusively proves that the terrorists have learned to read what we refer to on a clock as the 'big hand.' This is a whole new capability we were afraid they would acquire."

Warner believes this puts the advancement of the Arab world to at least the 1200s. "At that point, its just a matter of time before they have the printing press [1450]. My goodness, can the flush toilet [1500] be far behind?"

And then Warner added ominously, "And if they have learned to read the second hand, we're talking about an advancement to at least 1657."

But technology consultant Rick Nathans was more circumspect. "There are other explanations beyond the acquisition of 'big hand' technology. My group is attempting to show that the attacks may have been coordinated with their innate Muslim 'call to prayer' urge."

Still, everyone contacted for this article expressed one consistent fear: that the terrorists might acquire a so-called "Suitcase Nuke."

"If they acquire a suitcase nuke, we fear they could stuff it full of stone tools or primitive speartips of cast bronze. Also, it's small enough to allow them to attack and beat innocent civilians with its heavy metal case. And it is certainly sturdy enough to crack open nuts, or use as a step stool. There's really no telling what these people are capable of."

Get The Real Story:
Linked at Mudville, Beth's and Basil's

Saturday, July 09, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Yeah, Okay. Happy 3rd Blogiversary Frank J.

Posted by a4g @ 7/09/2005 05:36:00 PM

Well, so Frank J wants everybody to link to him since it's three years since the very first post on IMAO. Oh, and did he tell you he just came back from helping the homeless? Oh, and he's about to get married and he really needs all the money he can get. But what he really wants is to be voted just a little bit higher over at Podcast Alley. Now is that really too much to ask?

Jeez, is there anybody more craven for links than Frank J? I thought I was a maniac checking over at TTLB (whenever I get the 'Server Busy' screen I'm convinced it's because N.Z. Bear is punishing me for looking too often), but compared to Frank J, I'm a piker.

Well, here's your link, Frank. I guess I owe it to you since I've sponged so much traffic off you via the Carnival of Comedy.

Anyway, I'm off to haloscan to trackback to Frank's post. Gotta get me some linky action.

Bush Eyes Magic 8 Ball To Replace O'Connor

Posted by a4g @ 7/09/2005 06:10:00 AM

As speculation and high drama swirls around a possible second vacancy on the Supreme Court, Senate Democrats reasserted demands that President Bush stay away from so-called "extreme right-wing" conservative nominees. "If he is true to his promise, he will use Justice O'Connor as a role model," said Senator Barbara Boxer.

Magic 8 Ball has maneuvered ahead of Ouija Board in the battle for the Supreme Court

The buzz inside the beltway is that the President has taken the call seriously, and in the name of bi-partisanship, has rejected names like Garza, Brown and Luttig. The name that has quickly moved to the very top of the short list has suddenly become "Magic 8 Ball."

The Magic 8 Ball has a distinguished, but mixed, judicial record. Often accused of inconsistency, the ball's views on many hot-button topics such as abortion and property-rights have been described by supporters as balanced and fair, but by detractors as inscrutable.

So, will Bush choose the Magic 8 Ball to replace O'Connor?

Signs point to Yes.

Get The Real Story:

Linked at MVRWC, Mudville, OTB.

Friday, July 08, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

On The Bombing Of London

Posted by Stephen Hawking @ 7/08/2005 06:31:00 AM

Press ► (play) on the player below to hear Stephen Hawking's post:

(Note that due to Prof. Hawking's advanced intelligence, he does not always subscribe to our shallow understanding of decorum or common decency - listener discretion sometimes advised)

Prof. Hawking offers his insight and wisdom on physics and life every Friday on Point Five.

On The Probing Of Comet Tempel 1
On The Theory of Relativity
On Fetal Stem Cell Research
On The Future of The EU Constitution
On the Viability of Wormholes
On The Plausibility of the Science of Star Wars

Galloway: British Response Is Root Cause of Attacks

Posted by a4g @ 7/08/2005 06:13:00 AM

George Galloway angrily blamed England's upcoming response to the 7/7 attacks as the root cause of the 7/7 attacks, which killed more than 50 and virtually shut down the city of London yesterday.

George Galloway, in a rare moment when the sun hits his face.
"Just as the root causes of America's 9/11 can only be understood in the context of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, so too will we discover that England's forceful response to 7/7 has created the conditions which led to the blasts that killed so many of our countryman."

A spokesman for Galloway explained that the outspoken critic of the Blair government had recently rented the 1985 film Back to The Future, and somewhere during the last 15 minutes, "had a revelation."

It is believed that contributing to his revelation may have been a semi-euphoric state associated with severe hypoxia, brought on by having his head so deeply planted within his own ass.

Get The Real Story:

Wizbang has the story, Michelle Malkin has Hitchens response. Linked On OTB and Mudville.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

5 Moderate Muslim Clerics Speak Out

Posted by a4g @ 7/07/2005 02:00:00 PM

We at Point Five thought it would be instructive to invite five different voices of moderation from the Muslim community to denounce the bombings in London. Here are their responses:







We'd like to thank everyone who participated. We're sorry we couldn't reproduce more, but the response was simply too overwhelming.

Thanks to Mudville , basil's and OTB.

G8 Protester Among Dead in London Blasts

Posted by a4g @ 7/07/2005 06:17:00 AM

Just hours after a series of attacks rocked London, killing at least forty 37 40 and injuring more than 300 700, the body of a Crystal Pennings was found among the dead. Ms. Pennings, a member of Peace and Freedom United, was on her way to a protest of the G8 Summit, carrying seventeen cardboard signs that blamed the war in Iraq for Islamic terrorism.

Nick Baker, a spokesman for Peace and Freedom United, mourned the lost signs and wondered how they would be replaced. "Our protest is in under an hour, and that was our complete collection of anti-Iraq signs," he said. The group is now faced with the dilemma of whether or not to protest using their remaining collection of much older signs, which blame the war in Afganistan for terrorism, Israeli occupation of Palestine for terrorism, and US troops in Saudi Arabia for terrorism.

"She's dead because of Bush and Blair," said Baker.

Margaret Banks, through the collapse of a strange quantum superposition, survived the blast.
Prof. Lionel Horquist of Oxford University agrees. Using advanced computer modeling, he determined that if not for the Iraq war, Crystal Pennings would have survived. The blast would have instead killed Margaret Banks, who was riding on the bus one stop behind the one that blew up, on her way to visit cancer patients at the local hospital where she volunteers.

His calculations show that with no Iraq war, the terror cell of "The Secret Organization of al-Qaida in Europe" would have required three more minutes to prepare their press release, shifting the homicide bombers one bus back in the schedule. The bombings would have been precipitated not by the coalition invasion of Iraq, but instead by the aforementioned US troops on Saudi soil, or hegemony, or just because we looked at them funny.

Which has left Mrs. Banks in a peculiar position, finding herself in a bubble of borrowed time thanks to the little ripples of chaos theory. "I supported the war, so I kind of feel like this is my fault," she said.

Prof. Lionel Horquist concurs, "She absolutely bears responsibility. I always instruct my students to confront evil with passivity and understanding. True innocence comes only through victimhood, and the purity of victimhood comes only by never taking a stand."

Get The Real Story:

I'm not tracking back on this. Still, if you don't get that satire is deadly serious, you don't get it. Michelle Malkin has multiple posts up, Wretchard has analysis. Wizbangis actively updating. Captain Ed says we are all Britons today. And beautiful righteous anger from Citizen Grim and Patriot Xeno.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

MINDSTATION'S ELEVEN: Episode 1- Shrine of the Kuo-Toa

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 7/06/2005 10:39:00 PM

No time to elaborate, but due to a certain amount of insolence in the comments of my last post, a4g is out as leader of the team. I have assumed command. a4g's spot will be filled by Subway spokesman Jared Fogle.

Jared Fogle
Occupation: Subway Spokesman
Specialty: Subs
Pros: Always carries a spare pair of XXL pants.
Cons: All ideas involve the New Fresh Toasted Subs from Subway.

Many readers have e-mailed me asking when our great work of satire will be completed. But events far more important have pulled us from our task.

Yesterday, a sea lion attacked a lifeguard in Santa Barbara, CA. Seen as an isolated event, no cause for concern. But my subtle mental powers realized this was only one in a series of incidents where the benign creatures of the deep have turned against their surface dwelling masters.

Clearly, malevolent forces were at work.

It was Koko's wild and frantic hand motions that identified the only nefarious villain capable of perpetrating such a heinous act: My arch-enemy, Dr. Oceanus.

The dreaded Kuo-Toa, evil minions of Dr. Oceanus.
Professor Hawking was generous enough to supply us with the background data necessary to fight off Dr. Oceanus' hordes of Kuo-Toa minions. These horrid creatures would be fearsome enough even without their Armor Class of 4.

I have emailed Tom Clancy to make the necessary plans for our attack on Dr. Oceanus' underwater fortress. I have confidence that, although he has not yet responded to any of my previous communications, he will provide us with a plan bordering on pure genius.

In order to give the newest member of Mindstation's Eleven some much-needed field experience, I have sent Jared to procure our underwater transports to Dr. Oceanus' stronghold due to his specialty in submarines.

We will be leaving shortly on this most dangerous mission. I hope that in the event that I do not return, Point Five will be able to continue without my masterful talents.

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.


UPDATE: I am posting from the high seas. I have emailed Tom Clancy with the rendezvous point. I am confident that he will arrive in time with the battle plans.

In a few hours Mindstation's Eleven will be locked in mortal combat with these evil denizens of the deep


UPDATE 2: I'm back safely in the Palace of Ultimate Evil. All the members of Mindstation's Eleven would like to extend our sincere gratitude to Patriot Xeno and Citizen Grim for rescuing us from prison block 13C of the nightmare fortress of Dr. Oceanus.

PGHA: Iraq Exit Strategy

Posted by a4g @ 7/06/2005 04:52:00 PM

Every week the Point Five editorial board vows to complete the Precision Guided Humor Assignment, and every week we are confounded by their neo-luddite Eastern Time Zone deadline. It's not that we can't come up with a good idea until three days later... really!

But we recieved a letter from our very own site troll, fudgesicle, that we felt might do the job.

An Exit Strategy

By fudgesicle

As regular readers of this blog well know, I have advocated withdrawal from Iraq since before the invasion began. I and my partner Lance do not condone sending America's men to die in some far-off desert. I almost piss myself (and sometimes Lance) whenever I see the ghastly green glow of BDA videos on Fox

I remember watching the Saddam statue being pulled down two years ago, unable to stop myself from crying "Look out!" to the poor assembled Iraqis who were about to be crushed by falling bronze. For me, that was one of the most horrifying images of the war. (But as an interesting aside, I did learn after a few indignant phone calls that OSHA doesn't have jurisdiction over foreign war zones.)

I've been thinking long and hard (Lance made me leave that in) about how we can possibly get ourselves out of the nightmare quagmire that is Iraq. Even your Marines have not been able to get the job done. We need a way to unite the scary gung-ho right with my own beloved peace-loving left.

I hate the war because so many innocents have died, but I can see now that it is a lost cause, so it's time to wipe the Iraqis off the map so we can move on as a nation. It's time to teach you on the right a little thing we on the left know a little something about: mass murder.

Now I know you killed all the Nazis, and starved out the Stalinists, but we still have a little trick up our sleeves.

We can call up the reserves from the most powerful killing weapon in the US arsenal, and the only one that we on the left will unquestioningly support: the United States 113th Abortion-Doctor Uterine Assault Brigade.

Your Marines' kill rate is at best 100:1.
The 113th AUAB's kill rate is 40,000,000:7.

Now I know that sending our rare, safe, and legal abortion providers will cause many hardships for many of my friends. I know that vacations will have to be delayed until the off-season-- yes, perhaps even cancelled. There will be nail appointments missed, and the horrid sound of braying babies may interrupt Lance and my conversations at the mall-- perhaps even in restaurants. But desperate times call for desperate measures. (Lance once got a girl pregnant-- I don't even want to start with that story-- so I know all about this.)

Armed with scissors and suction devices, our studly 113th will tear through Iraq like a rare, safe and legal plague. Iraqis will line the streets, bodies mutilated and brains sucked dry. But those of you with weak stomachs needn't worry -- the great thing about abortion doctors is that no reporter will record even so much as an insinuation of the blood shed onto Iraqi streets. For us here at home, it will be like it never happened.

I am hopeful that the 113th will get the job done in less than 9 months. It will be a jubilant day when they return, and America's women line up in "Victory Lines" waiting for their late-term partial birth abortions to rid themselves of the 'pregnancy tissue' that would otherwise force them to confront their meaningless materialistic existences.

Anyway, that's my two cents. Now I've got to go take care of Lance, because he said he like a little of my two scents.

Isn't he bad?

Now go visit the rest of the PGHA entries this week. You won't be disappointed!

Egyptian's Kidnapping Signals Zarqawi Wants Judgeship

Posted by a4g @ 7/06/2005 05:30:00 AM

Muslim is turning against muslim in a war of words and beheadings that threatens to open a new, deadly chapter in Operation Iraqi Freedom.

A dramatic shift in tactics by Al-Qaida in Iraq has precipitated the kidnapping of the top Egyptian envoy in Iraq, as well as attacks against two other Arab diplomats in just the last three days. A Web statement Tuesday claimed responsibility in the name of Al-Qaida in Iraq for the kidnapping of Egyptian diplomat Ihad al-Sherif.

"...therefore strike off their heads and strike off every fingertip of them..."
While some have speculated this is a sign of growing desperation on the part of foreign terrorists operating within Iraq, Point Five has learned that the terrorist group is angry over al-Sherif's description of them as Islamic "Strict Constructionists" versus their preferred self-description, "Originalists."

In a videotaped statement broadcast by Al-Jazeera, Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi denounced the term "Constructionist" as anti-Islam hate speech. "Construction is for infidel American contractors! There is no place in Islam for Construction! We are Originalists, following in the model of the Prophet!"

It is believed that Zarqawi is carefully grooming his image in hopes of being nominated to a judgeship on the new Iraqi Supreme Judicial Court. Since last year, he began releasing a series of promotional beheading videos highlighting his firm grasp of Islamic law.

"He's definitely brings strong credentials for his work in beheading," said Abu Al-Agca, a diplomat within the new Iraqi government. "But he lacks the roundedness that we are looking for in a Supreme Judicial Court nominee. We have not seen any serious work on his part in stoning, hand-chopping, or honor killing. Without these, I don't see how he could be considered a serious contender."

But Zarqawi seems undaunted, ordering those under his command to continue the suicide bombings which have plagued Iraq for over a year. A tactic which Al-Agca denounces as squarely at odds with Zarqawi's intent.

"The idea that a future judge would be engaged in the wholesale massacre of fellow Arabs just shows Zarqawi's tragic ignorance. The place of a Islamic judge is to order killings in ones and twos. In Iraq, the kind of mass slaughter in which he engages is traditionally reserved for the executive branch."

Get The Real Story:

Jawa Report comments, open posted on Mudville Gazette, basil's blog, and OTB. UPDATE: Captain Ed reports the f**king animals have executed al-Sherif. Damn I want these people dead. My fuse grows shorter every day with the caterwauling of the left.

"The Day Of Two Carnivals"

Posted by a4g @ 7/06/2005 04:56:00 AM

Weird rumblings throughout the Blogokleinbottle as the Bonfire of the Vanities and the Carnival of the Vanities are posted on the same day. Creepy.

Time Struggles to Produce Notes for Court Deadline

Posted by a4g @ 7/06/2005 04:51:00 AM

After the Supreme Court refused to hear the appeal brought by reporters Matthew Cooper and Judith Miller, legal teams are struggling to find legal ways to extend their case. The two have been subpoened by a grand jury investigating the famous leak which outed CIA operative Valerie Plame.

Asked to reveal their sources, the pair is now stuck with a journalist's worst ethical nightmare: produce notes containing the identity of a confidential source, or face jail.

"We're reporters!" said Mr. Cooper. "Our notes are held in sacred trust. And I can't very well tell the court my 'meticulous research' and 'careful sourcing' was just a pile of crumpled electric bills and credit card offers shoved into a manila folder."
Now, teams of reporters from both Time and the NYT are working around the clock to produce authentic-looking notes that might satisfy the grand jury's request. But for these veteran reporters, trying to create a realistic looking set of "reporter's notes" is uncharted territory.

Arguments have gotten heated in the newsrooms as to what form notes might take, when actually interviewing a real person. Breaking down into two camps, the "Microsoft Word" faction, and the "I retyped them by hand and destroyed the originals" camp, editors are having trouble stifling the growing animosity poisoning their staffs.

The current versions of Cooper and Miller's "reporter's notes" are said to be "breathtakingly authentic" looking.
"Some of these hacks want to photocopy the notes 20 times to artificially age them," said one newsman working on the project. "Why? Why would reporter's notes be degraded?"

But other reporters are just as vehement on the other side. "Listen, when I used to make treasure maps as a kid, there were some foolproof ways to make the thing look authentic. You had to rub it in the dirt, you had to sneak a match from your parents and burn the edges and a couple holes in the middle."

Currently, it appears that the "aging" faction has the upper hand, as the current draft of the notes contain phrases like "Thar be leakes at the CIA" and "Ye olde sourse: Billy Bones".

Get The Real Story:

Waiting for the weigh-ins... Boy, that only took 6 days. Hugh Hewitt has a nice sum-up. Jeff Jarvis asks more questions than he answers, but they're interesting questions. An oldie but a goodie here. Instapundit has a mention. This storey be linked on Mudville and OTB, arrrrgh.

UPDATE: Bump to Top, as I think this story is finally heating up.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

BREAKING: Bush SCOTUS Pick to Be Greta Van Susteren

Posted by a4g @ 7/05/2005 06:46:00 AM

In the wake of the retirement of Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, as Democrats nervously dread the selection of someone like Brown, and Republicans dread a pick like Gonzales, the buzz in Washington is that President Bush may have already decided on a candidate. According to Point Five's highly place source, Bush will soon nominate Fox News superstar Greta Van Susteren to the nation's highest court. Immediate reaction from both sides of the aisle has been overwhelmingly positive, "brilliant" and "groundbreaking" among the responses we received.

Point Five computerized aging shows how Van Susteren will increase in wisdom on a predictable trajectory.
Van Susteren, an attorney-turned- broadcaster, has consistantly steered clear of controversial political topics that might give Senate Democrats ammunition against her. Instead, she concentrates on courtroom drama and cases such as the Natalee Holloway disappearance to take her to the very top of the cable news ratings.

"She's popular, she's smart, she's got it all," said Larry Roberts, a top DC attorney. "Who knows more about case law than Greta? I mean, Robert Blake, Michael Jackson, Scott Peterson. Who else can bring that to the table?"

Van Susteren promises to bring a new excitement to the normally dour Supreme Court, replacing dry, legalistic cases such as Exxon v. Allapattah with lurid cases of celebrity excess and a compelling docket full of endangered debutantes.

"This is going to be a court like no other. We all know it's only a matter of time before Tom Cruise kills somebody. And then there's near certain meltdowns coming from Lindsay Lohan, Tom Sizemore... and, of course, the always reliable Robert Downey, Jr."

Bush has had his eye on the veteran journalist since On The Record with Greta Van Susteren shot to the top of cable news ratings, and is said to be hoping that some of her startling popularity may rub off on an adminstration beleagered by a less-than-loyal opposition and continuing troubles in Iraq.

"Why fight the American people?" said Bush. "If they're tired of partisan bickering, and want 24 hour coverage of the latest missing white girl, who is Dubya to argue?"

Her ambiguous political views are seen by many as perfect replacement for O'Connor, who's relentless moderation steered the court down a swerving, drunken, middle-splitting path for over a decade.

Justice O'Connor was the first woman to serve on the Supreme Court. It is believe Ms. Susteren will be first justice to only speak out of the corner of her mouth.

Linked on Mudville and OTB.

Monday, July 04, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

July 4, 2005

Posted by a4g @ 7/04/2005 07:48:00 AM

One of the local real estate agents left this on my doorstep:

Them is purty words, but where is my free universal health care?

Have you ever wondered what happened to the fifty six men who signed the Declaration of Independence? Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died. Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned. Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured. Nine of the fixty six fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War. They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor.

What kind of men were they?

Twenty four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well educated. But they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well death would be the cost if captured. Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.

Thomas McKean was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.

Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.

At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson Jr, noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.

Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months.

John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their thirteen children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished. A few weeks later he died from exhaustion and a broken heart.

Norris and Livingston suffered similar fates.

Such were the stories and sacrifices of the American Revolution. These were not wild-eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians. They were soft-spoken men of means and education.

They had security, but they valued liberty more. Standing tall, straight, and unwavering, they pledged: "For the support of this declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of divine providence, “we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor."

They gave you and me a free and independent America. The history books never told you a lot about what happened in the Revolutionary War. We didn't fight just the British. We were British subjects at that time and we fought our own government!

So, take a few minutes this year while enjoying your 4th of July holiday or any other freedom that comes to mind and silently thank God and these patriots.

I'm damn glad it was them and not us, or we'd still be singing God Save The Queen. I'm going to celebrate the Fourth by NOT lighting off fireworks (illegal in my city). But at least Tax Freedom Day was on April 17th this year, not on July 4th (a hundred years ago it was in JANUARY!).

Oh well, fellow Romans, the public bath and the vomitorium are a hard habit to kick, when one grows soft on the fruits of success.

A Mandatory Boring Entry

Posted by a4g @ 7/04/2005 07:09:00 AM

No time to post today, so I present recycled crap with the enticing euphemism: Classic!

In keeping with the spirit of Blogging, this entry will serve as the irratating, disappointing 'this is my pet interest even though it's totally off-topic for the usual content of my blog'-type entry that your favorite blog posts when you want them to talk about the same great stuff they always talk about.

Like how is one little post that takes you like three seconds to scan and ignore still manage to make you so ticked off? I want that three seconds of my life back! I know I usually love your blog and think its great, and its free, and I never have put anything in the tip jar, but you betrayed me. Democrats, middle east, something, please.
But your new plasma TV -- I DON'T CARE!
Your mountain bike -- I DON'T CARE!
How you voted in the Dartmouth Trustee election -- I DON'T CARE!


So fair warning-- I'm about to waste the three seconds it will take you to figure out you don't want to read this, so don't post any comments about how ticked off YOU are, okay?

So here it is:

From the Heartland Horseshoeing School:
The horse is a noble beast that has no say in what happens to it. Tied by a lead rope, the horse has come under the nippers of many an unskilled horseshoer. This is not acceptable to the horse, to the horses' owner, or the farrier. The horse-owning public is quickly becoming aware that there is a difference between right and wrong. There are no gray areas where this is concerned.

As Americans, we may disagree on many things: on America's place in the world, on the dangers of islamofascism, on the place of the government in our lives. But has a more lyric tribute to the farrier's art ever been made? I think not.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Live 8 a Rousing Success: African Poverty "Solved"

Posted by a4g @ 7/03/2005 07:49:00 AM

At the mega-concert Live 8 today, organizers realized the fifty-year goal of replacing the capitalist hegemony which dooms billions to hunger, with pure, hard-driving rock.

"Everything that's rock n roll is ever meant to be is happening now," said Bob Geldof, the event's founder. Live 8 was organized to push political leaders to spend heavily from public coffers on Africa.

"Live 8 has solved all the problems the UN has tried to address. I'll be shuttering Turtle Bay on Tuesday. I sincerely hope the Oil for Food investigations are complete by then."
Bono, lead singer of U2, exclaimed, "This is our moment, this is our time, this is our chance to stand up for what is right. Three thousand Africans, mostly children, die every day of mosquito bites. We can fix that."

Kofi Annan, speaking just after the final notes of Paul McCartney's closing number, declared African poverty "solved."

"Too long have we addressed only the symptoms of Africa's problems," said Annan at a press conference later in the evening. "The musicians of Live 8 have addressed a different set of symptoms. It's this two-pronged approach that ultimately doomed Africa's cycle of hopelessness to its end, which by my reckoning occurred three hours ago."

Across Africa, reaction has been jubilant. In Darfur, impromptu celebrations spread across settlements. Millions of AIDS cases were believed to be spontaneously cured by the rebellious spirit of Rock. Across the continent, Africans were overjoyed that rich Westerners had finally accepted the "White Man's Burden."

Robert Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe, on a tour of a prison facility holding hundreds of minority Ndebeles, was said to be especially moved by REM's "Everybody Hurts," noting as he surveyed his surroundings, "It's so true... and it's on my orders."

Madonna, wearing a Kaballah bracelet, summed up the evening best: "Is there any problem in life that can't be solved by doing something that makes you feel good?"

Get The Real Story:

Rob, guest blogging at Wizbang, gets it. Captain Ed notes the schizophrenia at the Times that mirrors the Live 8 participants. The Times mirrors the idealistic Bono, their guest editorialist, the more sober Bob Geldof.

Is there anything more American than open trackbacks? Mudville Gazette.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

World's 9th Poorest Man Found in Walton Wreckage

Posted by a4g @ 7/02/2005 09:26:00 AM

Crash investigators sifting through the wreckage of WalMart heir John Walton's plane made a gruesome discovery late Friday afternoon. Beneath the fuselage of the lightweight craft, they discovered the body of a middle aged man who was apparently on the ground when the experimental private airplane crashed soon after takeoff on Monday, also taking the life of its pilot, John T. Walton, a philanthropist listed by Forbes as the world's 11th wealthiest man.

Mason Johnson, seen here in happier times.
The remains of the man were identified early this morning by Jackson, Wyoming coroner's department as Mason Johnson, listed by Forbes as the world's 9th poorest man.

Mr. Johnson, an alcoholic and frequent drug abuser, has been on the Forbes list continuously since 1993, dropping out only once in 1998, when he was unable to blow through the $117 winnings from a found lottery ticket on a binge of cheap port wine before the cutoff date of that year's list.

According to Tim Mulgrew, one of the crash investigators, "We believe Mr. Johnson was in some sort of experimental housing unit, which was self-built, and constructed of lightweight materials such as cardboard and canvas, stretched over a lightweight support structure."

"I'll miss him," said Blrahsifidge (it sounded something like that), a friend and sometimes dinner guest of Johnson. "He could spit something fierce."

RELATED: "Happy Face" Sought in Connection with WalMart Death

Linked on Mudville.

Friday, July 01, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

On The Probing Of Comet Tempel 1

Posted by Stephen Hawking @ 7/01/2005 08:30:00 AM

Press ► (play) on the player below to hear Stephen Hawking's post:

(Note that due to Prof. Hawking's advanced intelligence, he does not always subscribe to our shallow understanding of decorum or common decency - listener discretion sometimes advised)

Prof. Hawking offers his insight and wisdom on physics and life every Friday on Point Five.

On The Theory of Relativity
On Fetal Stem Cell Research
On The Future of The EU Constitution
On the Viability of Wormholes
On The Plausibility of the Science of Star Wars
On The Implications of the Theories of Fredrich Hund

Golden Boy Ahmadinejad Faces Unexpected Scrutiny

Posted by a4g @ 7/01/2005 07:01:00 AM

The Iranian government has shown little interest in charges that newly elected president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad participated in the 1979 hostage taking at the US embassy in Teheran. As Washington investigates the claims of former hostages, that they recognize Ahmadinejad from their time in captivity, the Iranian power structure seems to have little concern.

Can't we keep talking about me being a terrorist? My poll numbers are slipping.

Instead, the real controversy forming around Ahmadinejad is rocking the normally smooth transitions of Iranian politics. The Iranian Broadcast Service (IBS) is reporting that new documents have surfaced that show that Ahmadinejad may not have completed a neccessary physical after the release of the 52 American hostages from 444 days of captivity.

"The personal papers of Ahmadinejad's revolutionary commander have recently been made available to IBS," said Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (no relation), an anchor with the television network. "It appears that Ahmadinejad may have been grounded from his hijack-ready status sometime in late 1981, due to failure to complete certain training missions at a terrorist camp in northern Iran."

A spokesman for Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (also no relation), angrily denies the charges, "Pres. Ahmadinejad completed his service to the revolution. He fulfilled all requirements, including capture of Americans, flying several scouting and reconnaisance missions on commercial airlines, actively participating in the stoning of at least seven impure women, and performing the various amputations and torture that go along with the service."

Ahmadinejad is said to be confident that he will be vindicated, and that he will shown to be guilty of only the crimes that got him elected in the first place.

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Bill Quick sees it as a message from the Mullahs.

Dipping into the Mudville Gazette and OTB pool once again.