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Tuesday, May 31, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

BREAKING NEWS: W Mark Felt Is "Deep Throat"

Posted by a4g @ 5/31/2005 11:15:00 AM

In news that tops coverage around the media today, it is being reported that W. Mark Felt, former number two at the FBI, has identified himself as the "Deep Throat" source of Woodward & Bernstein. MSNBC.com reports:

"I'm the guy they used to call Deep Throat," he told John D. O'Connor, the author of Vanity Fair's exclusive that appears in its July issue.

Felt, now 91 and living in Santa Rosa, Calif. reportedly gave O'Connor permission to disclose his identity.


The news has come as a shock to most media observers, who are surprised to see that such an important source of the Watergate story turned out to be legitimate. It has long been believed that Woodward and Bernstein just made up Deep Throat out of whole cloth, in a long line of journalistic tradition stretching from the Pulitizer prize winning reporting of Walter Duranty in the 1930s, all the way through the celebrated work of Dan Rather and Mary Mapes just last year.

Already, journalists are beginning to level harsh criticisms at Woodward and Bernstein. John Predesta of the American Journalism Institute, explains: "A fake source could have leveled even more devastating charges against Nixon. Sure, Nixon eventually resigned, but was it really responsible for Woodward and Bernstein to take such a chance? The truth is simply too dangerous for a serious journalist to play around with."

But others excuse Woodward & Bernstein's gambit as mere "youthful indescretions," and are more than happy to see the Watergate scandal covering the front pages and lede stories of major news organizations. It is believed that bringing up the Watergate scandal will remind Americans of how important the media is in exposing evil. Evil like Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo, and the many lies of Bush.

So armies of aging lefties throughout America are rising from their Laz-Y-Boy recliners to fetch their walkers and dial their friends on oversized-button phones to spread the word.

Unfortunately, the story is of no interest to anyone under the age of 45, and adding nothing to the current discourse, the news ranking somewhere near the identity of X,Y and Z in the pantheon of important news.




Get The Real Story:

Wizbang, Outside the Beltway



Actor Christian Slater Arrested on Groping Charges

Posted by a4g @ 5/31/2005 07:22:00 AM


Christian Slater hopes the Hollywood star power of Jack Nicholson will free him of charges


Actor Christian Slater was arrested in Manhattan for allegedly fondling a woman on a city street. The Washington Post reports:

Slater, 35, was accused of touching the woman's buttocks near 93rd Street and Third Avenue on the Upper East Side around 1:50 a.m., said a police spokesman, Detective John Sweeney.


Slater has responded to the charges by saying, "Have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight?" And "You can't handle the truth!" And "Herrrrre's, Johnny!"







UPDATE:
Welcome visitors from the Bonfire! My sincerest apologies on this most inadequate post. And my condolences that you have clicked through six others to get to mine.



Conservative Blogosphere Searches for New Outrage

Posted by a4g @ 5/31/2005 07:06:00 AM

With the removal of Eason Jordan, the discrediting of Newsweek, and John Kerry signing his SF180, the conservative blogosphere finds itself adrift without a current outrage. Recent outrages have been noticeably weaker than Dan Rather's classic "attempting to throw a presidential election with phony documents": witness the Pepsico "America is the middle finger" outrage, or the "The Democrats signed the compromise but they're still filibustering Bolton" outrage (also known as the "Inouye broke the agreement on day two" outrage)

And once these paltry outrages wear out, the situation is looking even more grim for conservatives. "At this point," said one well known screenwriter/conservative blogger, "We'd be happy with something at the Gannongate level. It's that bad."

To respond to the crisis, a group of top right-wing bloggers has joined together and formed an outrage organization known as Pansy Media, with the intension of distributing and promoting new weekly outrages to inflame the conservative blogsphere. Point Five, as a charter member of the organization, was asked to do research for possible new outrages. We've sketched out a few of our ideas here. Please leave any others you have in the comments section.

NaziGate - In a recent speech, Howard Dean likened Republicans to Nazis by mentioning their opposition to the New Deal of 1933, which was the same year as the Reichstag Fire. Hannity has the tape. He'll be playing it for the next six months.

CokeGate - Coca-Cola Enterprises CFO William W. Douglas in a recent speech called America the balancing "Big Toe" of the world's foot. Most conservative commentators have agreed that the subtext is that he believes that "America stinks" and that "Americans have Athlete's Foot."

MoyersGate II - Bill Moyers, already in hot water, isn't as Christian as some conservatives think he should be. It is believed this makes him "anti-Christian," which indicates he may want Christianity outlawed in America and Christians shoved into gulags. Conservative blogs should blogswarm him into denying it.

SenateGate - Rush Limbaugh is set to reveal startling accusations against Harry Reid, Ted Kennedy, and Robert Byrd. It will be shown that these Senators are actively working against the policies of the Republican party, a policy clearly approved of by a majority of Americans in the election of George W Bush. While Rush will never actually call them traitors for actively working against the will of the American people, as anonymous citizen journalists, we certainly can.

KosGate - Somebody said something outrageous in the comments over at the Daily Kos. Something about conservatives being bad for America! That we don't know what America is really about! That we should be kicked out of the country! That Kos will let anything be said over there. It's that kind of talk that's bad for America. Those jerks don't know what America is really about. We should find the jackass that said that and kick him out of the country.

So come'on, blogosphere, let's see what ya got! We're not a bunch of dandified metrosexual Democrats. There's nothing we conservatives love more than America: and that means barbecue, NASCAR, God, and a good ol' conservative hissy fit.



Linked on Basil's Blog, Outside the Belway, Mudville Gazette.



Very First Cotillion

Posted by a4g @ 5/31/2005 05:06:00 AM

Point Five has always liked the smart girls. They make us all tingly inside, and we get all twisted up and confused.

Many of our favorites are on the list. We're looking forward to reading the others.

You should, too.



Monday, May 30, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Doctors' Appeal For Ban On Knives Spurs Legislation

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 5/30/2005 10:03:00 PM

A research team from the West Middlesex University Hospital called for a ban on long, pointed knives, citing a rise in knife violence. A spokesman for the group stated, "Most kitchen knives are sharp, some are even pointy. We as a people are not safe until all sharp, pointy knives are removed from society."

The group has suggested that citizens should use scissors for cutting food. Then, realizing that they had already called for a ban on scissors, called for the ban of all food that needs to be cut.

The recent activity has even drawn international attention. Ralph Nader has joined the doctors and called knives "unsafe at any point".

But some politicians have called the ban only a half-measure, saying, "we also need a ban on all long and pointy objects that are a threat to ourselves and our children." Point Five has obtained exclusive access to stricter legislation that would prohibit an even greater class of objects:


Don't let his sweet innocent act fool you. Imagine a bobby questioning him about that disturbance last night at Pleasure Island. Two seconds later, there's a little wooden nose shooting through the heart of one of London's finest.




Can you imagine the carnage if a toddler got a hold of one of these?




The first tower's long and pointy design is
doubly terrifying because it has an evil twin.





Bill Whittle's posts: always pointy, and very, very long.




Dick Cheney.






Linked on the Beltway Traffic Jam, Mudville Gazette.



Sunday, May 29, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Point Five Sunday Roundup

Posted by a4g @ 5/29/2005 06:48:00 AM

BEVERLY HILLS, California
Director Oliver Stone has been arrested and charged with drug possession and driving while intoxicated. The absence of a charge for 'Alexander' goes to show that our nation's laws remain far too lenient.


FORT WORTH, Texas
The Department of Homeland Security is preparing to test a missile defense system designed for commercial airlines. The $10 billion project promises to be so effective in protecting airliners from the possibility of attack from shoulder-fired missiles smuggled into the country from Mexico, lawmakers on both sides of the aisle are elated that now absolutely no further action will need to be taken to secure America's borders.

MALE, Maldives
An exhausted President Clinton has cancelled a scheduled trip to the Maldives to visit tsunami-ravaged areas. In a related story, officials in Indonesia are struggling to find funds to enlarge hospital maternity wings in the wake of the Clinton visit. Also, in the coastal town of Unawatuna, Sri Lanka, tens of thousands of cigars litter the streets, but city officials are paralyzed, because "nobody wants to pick them up."

WASHINGTON, D.C.
John McCain is urging yet another compromise, this time on secret documents regarding John Bolton that Democrats have requested in an effort to delay the vote on the UN nominee. Which means I win the bet with my blogpartner Evil Emperor Mindstation! A knife can still stay sharp even after stabbing 48 million registered Republicans in the back.

NEW YORK, NY
A federal judge has cleared the way for the release of additional Abu Ghraib prison photos to the ACLU, finding the public has a right to see the pictures. Judge Alvin Hellerstein also ordered the release all information pertaining to the Manhattan Project to Nazi scientists, explaining, "I'm sorry I couldn't get these to you when you really needed them, boys, but if I can't betray my country in a time of war, I'll always take 'making a statement' as a close second."

TEMELIN, Czech Republic
Drudge reports that about 800 gallons of radioactive water leaked at troubled nuclear power plant near the Czech border with Austria. Corporate officers at Red Bull GmbH, headquartered in See, Austria, offered no comment when asked if there was any connection to the new, hastily announced energy drink Red Bull Ultra.

PARIS, France
Speculation swirls as voting begins in France on the historic EU Constitution, which polls show is likely to fail. European booksellers are nervous that their heirloom, leather-bound "family editions" of the Constitution will go unsold should the referendum fail. Weighing in at over 500 pages, and beautifully typeset with acid-free, gilded-edge pages, the Constitution, with its Byzantine subsections and bureaucratic doublespeak, is set to replace the Bible in most European homes, providing both mystical revelation and an improved version of God who will provide free-day care and 100% employment without all those annoying "thou shalt not's".


AMERICA
Here's some breaking news: a new Mercedes, Manolo Blahniks, and a motif tatooed above the crack of your ass will go out of style. We hope that courage, honor, and duty never do.




Pray for our fallen. Point Five Out.



Saturday, May 28, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Condition of Saudi King Fahd Improves

Posted by a4g @ 5/28/2005 07:43:00 PM

AP -
Saudi King Fahd, whose oil-rich kingdom became a close U.S. ally during his 23-year rule, was reported in stable condition and improving Saturday, a day after he was hospitalized for unspecified medical tests

An official at the King Faisal Specialist Hospital in Riyadh said Fahd's health was "improving, albeit slowly." This after serious decline that was reported from the time the Saudi ruler was admitted.

Doctors late Friday night attempted an emergency procedure which was described by a hospital source as "an application of disinfectants," which was said to be a turning point in the King's condition. While his breathing continues to be describes as "exceedingly light, really, really, really exceeding light," doctors expect to see even greater improvement tomorrow morning, when a shipment of an expected 55 gallon drum of formaldehyde and plasticising agent arrives at the hospital.

"We expect to see a rosy glow return to our beloved King's cheeks, and we will make him available for display soon afterwards."



Point Five Contest: Guess What Paris Hilton Smells Like!

Posted by a4g @ 5/28/2005 10:46:00 AM


Point Five has discovered the secret fragrance -- can you guess what it is?


To celebrate the new Paris Hilton commercial for Carl's Jr., its time for a new Point Five contest.

Answer the burning question:

What does Paris Hilton most smell like?


1. Gym socks.

2. The wraps you wear underneath boxing gloves

3. Summer's Eve

4. Wet dog

5. A finger after its been wrapped in a band-aid for two weeks

6. Car wash and genitals

7. A teenager's bedsheets

8. French fry grease

9. A park garbage can after it rains

10. Perfume-- then B.O.-- then perfume again



Post your guesses in the comments section: we'll reveal the winner soon!



Friday, May 27, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Huffington Post To Go Dark To Mourn Passing of Eddie Albert

Posted by a4g @ 5/27/2005 09:34:00 PM


The Green Acres Cast, clockwise from left, Alvy Moore, Tom Lester, Pat Buttram, Eleanor Audley, Eddie Albert, Arianna Huffington

Millions of Americans are mourning the passing of beloved actor Eddie Albert, who died May 27th in his Pacific Palisades home, surrounded by loved ones. He was 99.

The news comes as a special loss to new blogging maven Arianna Huffington, who starred beside the amiable actor in the classic television series Green Acres, from 1965-1971. Albert, who played Oliver Douglas, a New York lawyer, was paired with Arianna, who played his glamorous--but luxury loving--wife.

The Huffington Post will observe a day of mourning tommorow, to "celebrate Mr. Albert's contributions to the noble art of drama." Larry Gelbart is to write on "The Magic of Roman Holliday", Harry Shearer will reminisce over "The Grand Man of Falcon Crest", and Jim Lampley will contribute "Escape to Eternal Mountain."


Get The Real Story:

Outside the Beltway



2nd Annual Friday Night Catblogging

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 5/27/2005 06:40:00 PM

It's Friday and time for catblogging! I think I've got it figured out this time.




You're such a good little CAT.
Look at you waiting so patiently.
Somebody's going to earn a snack!





Oh, isn't that just too precious!
Who likes to look inside
peoples' bodies?





Uh oh, that doesn't look good.




RELATED: Friday Night Catblogging



Thanks Mudville and Outside the Beltway.



On the Viability Of Wormholes

Posted by Stephen Hawking @ 5/27/2005 11:24:00 AM

Press ► (play) on the player below to hear Stephen Hawking's post:

(Note that due to Prof. Hawking's advanced intelligence, he does not always subscribe to our shallow understanding of decorum or common decency - listener discretion sometimes advised)












Prof. Hawking offers his insight and wisdom on physics and life every Monday and Friday on Point Five.



Thursday, May 26, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Results Of 'Rename The Emperor' Poll

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 5/26/2005 09:14:00 PM

As faithful readers know, a poll has been started on the side bar which offers a chance to rename me after my spiritual conversion. The results of the polls are in, so without further adieu, the winning name of the contest is...

I DON'T CARE!

Did you honestly think that I, The Evil Emperor Mindstation, would actually allow you mortals to choose me a new name? I was never going to change my name! I staged this contest to fool you and watch maniacally through my computer screen as you writhed in agony like the craven whore's progeny that your are! How does it feel to be outsmarted in such a torturous fashion?

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

I can feel the pains you endure as the weight of my +2 warhammer of pain comes crashing down upon your brittle shield of ignorance! I feed off your suffering as you contemplate the awful might of my remorseless barrage of deception!

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

And worst of all, next week I will come back with a new poll and, like the wretched curs that you are, you will fall for my devious trap of lies. Then as I fill this blog with a rising sea of BWAHAHAHAs, you will know the true pain of the lacerating anguish that is my wrath! None can stop my brutal campaign of pain and sorrow! All shall be destroyed!


UPDATE:

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!



Massive Earthquake Could Devastate LA

Posted by a4g @ 5/26/2005 08:44:00 AM

A fault line discovered underneath Los Angeles in 1999 could cause massive devastation throughout the southland, according to a recently released study. The Puente Hills Fault runs east-west across southern California, in parts only several miles beneath the surface, and has had a major quake on average every 3000 years.

A similar earthquake there today could cause 3,000 to 18,000 deaths, 60,000 to 260,000 injuries and $250 billion in total damages, according to Tom Jordan, director of the SCEC and co-author of a study on the fault published in the May issue of Earthquake Spectra.


A simple calculation reveals that of the deaths, over 80% would be illegal aliens. This has led some state lawmakers to charge that the fault itself was created by right-wing, hate-filled 'vigilantes' whose so-called principled stands on border integrity are really just thinly veiled racism.

It is well known that Republican have access to voting machines, weather machines, and (with their Jew masters) secretly control all the world's governments, but liberal activists are worried that this new power over the inner workings of the earth itself portends a frightening new wave of Republicorporate dominance of the world.

Liberal activists have discussed several possible counter-attacks against this Republican plot, including new wording for protest signs, losing even more elections in order to cement complete control over the Senate, and printing up some cool new Che Guevara T-shirts.



Carnival of Comedy #5

Posted by a4g @ 5/26/2005 07:54:00 AM

The Carnival of Comedy is up at IMAO. Do not resist. Visit the Carnival of Comedy. The power of Comedy compels you.

Why are you still reading this? You should be visiting the Carnival of Comedy #5.

I mean it. Go.

What the hell are you waiting for?

Ah, that's better. No wait, you are reading this.

Listen you dumb f**k, I'm getting really pissed off.

Oh, there, you're gone. Wait, no, you're still here. Ah screw it, I've got to get back to work.



Wednesday, May 25, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Hundreds Sick Over Drudge Headline

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 5/25/2005 07:32:00 PM

Medical authorities are urging Americans not to imagine the Drudge headline

Medical personnel across America are scrambling resources to combat a deadly outbreak of illness after The Drudge Report (a leading blog) posted a headline today that claimed "Helen Thomas Rides White House Press Secretary".

Reported symptoms have included nausea, vomiting, uncontrollable diarrhea and abdominal spasms, epilectic seizures and self-destructive behavior, most notably the gouging out of the eyes. Although the symptoms seem to subside after horse tranquilizers are given, doctors have reported two more serious cases with patients in critical condition after searching on Google Images for 'Helen Thomas Rides Press Sec'. Officials from the CDC requested Google disable the results of that search and it is believed no further serious cases will result.


UPDATE:

Pres. Bush will address the nation tonight along with Secretaries Rice and Rumsfeld to urge calm in the face of this medical crisis. Above all Bush will urge that no one imagine Thomas riding McClellan.




We love the open post on Mudville Gazette.



How Rocker Jeff "Skunk" Baxter Is Retooling America's Military

Posted by a4g @ 5/25/2005 02:52:00 PM


Jeff "Skunk" Baxter hopes to transform America's military one baadasss riff at at time.


The Wall Street Journal reports today how former Steely Dan and Doobie Brothers guitarist Jeff "Skunk" Baxter has become a sought after consultant in the defense and anti-terrorism industries:


The guitarist-turned-defense-consultant does regular work for the Department of Defense and the nation's intelligence community, chairs a congressional advisory board on missile defense, and has lucrative consulting contracts with companies like Science Applications International Corp., Northrop Grumman Corp. and General Atomics Aeronautical Systems Inc. He says he is in increasing demand for his unconventional views of counterterrorism.



A policy paper discussing the conversion of the Aegis anti-aircraft system into an anti-missile system marked Baxter's entry into the world of military consulting, but it is some of his more revolutionary ideas that are promising to transform the American military into the hardest-rockin' force in the world. (Ed: I feel a bulleted list coming on...)


  • The Entwhistle is a long, shoulder-fired tube-like device that uses DR Lowrider bass strings to generate "rich, crisp, ballsy bass with outstanding sustain" that induces hearing loss and spontaneous diarrhea in advancing enemy troops.

  • The H-23 weapons platform uses advanced targeting to channel enemy troops into a narrow corridor, where a massive air drop of free "Festival Seating" tickets to a "Major Rock Act" incites widespread trampling.

  • The Zildjian Space-Based Maser would focus the sun's rays off an orbiting, computer controlled, servo-guided, 'ultra-sweet, 18" Zildjian ZXT Titanium Thin Crash Cymbal" to incinerate enemy tanks.

  • The A-5 "Marley" fighting vehicle is equipped with "chemical weapon" (wink-wink) smoke generators to subdue, pacify-- and make hungry-- enemy forces.

  • The "Simpson" psy-ops protocol begins with a massive digital video camera drop and follows up with leaflets warning the enemy that as fighters, they're over-the-hill, and they should instead concentrate on filming reality TV shows. The Marine version is known as the "Spears."

  • The "Super Groupie" assault system deploys thousands of skanky hoes to follow around enemy troops in short skirts and skimpy tops, causing plummeting morale and massive sexual frustration when the girls say that they're "only interested in the lead singer."

  • The T-4 "South American Nightclub" incendiary cluster bomb blankets pyrotechnics and burning foam on enemy positions, yeilding massive casualties.


Baxter says he has thousands more ideas for new weapons, but may abandon them if a planned Steely Dan reunion tour materializes.



Get The Real Story:

Wizbang



Thanks to Mudville Gazette.



Tuesday, May 24, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Newsweek Poll Shows Broad Approval For "Day America Died" Cover

Posted by a4g @ 5/24/2005 06:42:00 AM


Over 8 in 10 Americans love the snazzy style and bitter anti-Americanism of Newsweek
Newsweek, which has been at the heart of a series of controversies over the last weeks, today announced the results from a Newsweek poll that show broad support for the magazine and its editorial policies. The poll, conducted late last week and surveying 618 adults, asked questions about the newsmagazine, the controversies surrounding it, and its editorial policies.

Newsweek reports that when asked about the cover of its Japanese edition, depicting the American flag in the trash and sporting the caption "The Day America Died", 86% of those surveyed "support or strongly support" Newsweek.

When asked about the infamous "Koran flushing" story, 74% of respondants "supported or strongly support" Newsweek.



Here are the actual polling questions as provided to Point Five:

  1. Do you support Newsweek's cover, or al-Zarqawi and the murderous terrorists trying to kill our troops in Iraq?

  2. Do you support Newsweek's version of the Gitmo/Koran flushing story, or the satanic sacrifice of kidnapped children?

  3. Do you prefer to get your news from a weekly newsmagazine, such as Newsweek, or smash bricks into your head with one hand while gouging out your eyes with a red hot poker with the other?

  4. Do you feel it was inappropriate for Bush administration officials to criticize Newsweek, or do you advocate-- and practice-- sexual relations with barnyard animals?

  5. Would you like to buy a subscription to Newsweek? I can offer you a great discounted rate at over 58% off the newsstand price. That's just pennies a day for the finest in news, commentary, and opinion. Or would you like me to report you to the authorities as an escaped felon holed up in your residence with a gun?





Bonfire of the Vanities

Posted by a4g @ 5/24/2005 05:43:00 AM

Visit the Bonfire at Pajama Pundits!



Monday, May 23, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

"Comity In Our Time"

Posted by a4g @ 5/23/2005 10:01:00 PM



A Point Five special note of thanks to our seven brave Republican Senators who dared to rise to cowardice in the face of certain victory.

John McCain.
John Warner.
Mike DeWine.
Susan Collins.
Olympia Snowe.
Lindsey Graham.
Lincoln Chafee.

"The Democrats wouldn't dare to violate Belgian Neutrality!"



Good Commentary at Decision '08, Michelle Malkin, Wizbang,


UPDATE: Point Five takes the pledge.



On The Plausibility of the Science of Star Wars

Posted by Stephen Hawking @ 5/23/2005 07:13:00 PM

Press ► (play) on the player below to hear Stephen Hawking's post:

(Note that due to Prof. Hawking's advanced intelligence, he does not always subscribe to our shallow understanding of decorum or common decency - listener discretion sometimes advised)












Prof. Hawking offers his insight and wisdom on physics and life every Monday and Friday on Point Five.
MP3 File



Pepsi Fights Back Accusations In Arab World

Posted by a4g @ 5/23/2005 08:17:00 AM

According to a report prepared by The Islamic Agency for Research in Egypt, millions of Arab men may be in danger of being cast into Jahannam (hell) through the innocent drinking of a popular cola.

According to a report prepared by the IARE, Pepsi-Cola contains pork products as a part of the production process. Pork and anything porcine is considered haram (forbidden) in the Muslim faith. LHM reports:

Dr. Mustofa explained that the manufacturer of the drink has included a special material made from the intestines of pigs in the process of the drink's production.


Pepsi Ingredients, clockwise from left: Miss Piggy, Piggy Bank, Pig Iron, Babe the Pig, Piggy from The Lord of the Flies

Should this information disseminate widely in the Muslim world, the effect could be devastating to the embattled PepsiCo, already smarting stateside from the swirling controversy bubbling up over anti-American remarks of PepsiCo's CFO Indra Nooyi last week.


Point Five has learned that beyond what the IARE reported, PepsiCo years ago altered their formula in the Middle East. Our confidential source, with direct access to the Pepsi formula, described the change as a direct appeal to "the well-known Muslim 'thirst for blood'." At the height of the "cola wars" of the 1980's, to gain market share over rival Coke, executives at Pepsi test-marketed a blood-altered version of their cola to enthusiastic Arab response.


Apparently deciding that including actual human blood would leave PepsiCo too vulnerable to lawsuits in the West, pig's blood was deemed to be the "most refreshing alternative." Our Point Five graphic shows the mix of porcine ingredients that go into each delicious bottle of Pepsi.


PepsiCo is also in the news in Saudi Arabia, where a woman recently discovered a human finger in her can of Pepsi. The judge in the pending lawsuit called the drink, "the single most satisfying can of Pepsi-- or of any cola-- that I have ever tasted."


However, Point Five believes that the finger in the Pepsi may be a hoax, perpetrated by the infamous Wendy's chili finger con-artist Anna Ayala, as revealed by the explosive side-by-side comparison seen below:



This dramatic transformation may be part of Anna Ayala's latest scheme. Note the stunning similarities between Ayala's mug shot and the cloaked figure.



HT: The indispensible Dymphna, who writes a real blog and is smart and intellectually intimidating and talks about important things, instead of being a bunch of goof-offs like we are here.




Thanks Mudville Gazette.



Lexicologists Struggle to Keep Up With Dean

Posted by a4g @ 5/23/2005 06:35:00 AM

Meet Dr. James Bollinger. In the quiet, contemplative world in which he spends most of his days, the greatest excitement usually comes in the form of a particularly droll pun left in his inbox by one of his small circle of friends in the office.

Dr. Bollinger is a researcher for the Oxford English Dictionary, the premier repository of words in the English speaking world. He describes his specialty as "neologisms" (new words), and a lively day for him consists of reading and noting the subtle changes in usage for words as they are used in today's world.

But lately, his job has gotten a lot more difficult, as Dr. Bollinger has started a near war in the restrained world of lexicology.

Dr. Bollinger explains: "Since Howard Dean was made DNC chair, there have been a lot of all-nighter's here. For example, on Meet the Press over the weekend, Howard Dean said he 'doesn't go to church all that much,' but is irritated at those who would say that makes him a less-devoted Christian.

"So as the chroniclers and gatekeepers of language, we lexicologists need to ask ourselves, does that qualify as asshattery? Simple bufoonery? Or do we need to coin an entirely new language of idiocy for this Dean fellow?"

Dr. Bollinger is one of the most outspoken members on the staff that believes as professional lexicoligists, it is their responsibility to create words to deal with extraordinary situations. While a radical departure from the purely scholarly business of word study, Bollinger insists that now is a critical time for action.

As such, Bollinger has coined a long list of words to assist those who wish to discuss Dean's lunacy with greater meaning and accuracy.


  • Being well-known as a medical doctor, and mocking Rush Limbaugh's painkiller addiction by pretending to snort cocaine (Bollinger suggests the new term "Phallusistrope")
  • "The thing that really bothered me...is the insinuation that the president continues to make to this day that Osama bin Laden had something to do with supporting terrorists that attacked the United States." ("Scrotumnic")
  • "I hate Republicans and everything they stand for." ("Dicktorius")
  • Promising to use the effort to save Terri Schiavo against Republicans ("Douchepherous")
Bollinger's list also includes words such as wanktacular, buttpluggery, moronissmo, dumbshitological, ramcrammerous, and fucatuity.

The controversy will no doubt continue in the hallowed, quiet halls of research, as Howard Dean shows no sign of slowing down in his "trainwreckerous bitchslide into pontiferous assholophony."




RELATED:
Preparing for a Long, Hard Winter



Friday, May 20, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Friday Night Cat Blogging

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 5/20/2005 10:55:00 PM

It's Friday night, time for cat blogging!



What are you digging up you silly cat?




Playing with logs again.




Isn't he cute? Just look at the mess he's made.



Conservatives Develop Deadly Pie Throwing Techniques

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 5/20/2005 07:09:00 AM


The signature red dot of a laser guided pie is evident on Nick Denton's now pie-covered head

Pie throwing used to be the sport of brain-dead liberal college students, a mostly harmless pursuit, but the once majestic pastime has turned into a deadly game of life and death now that conservative extremists have adopted the technique. Instead of the light grazings taken by the likes of Ann Coulter, observe the damage inflicted upon Gawker and Wonkette sleaze-peddler Nick Denton. This isn't the happenstance, frat boy pie throwing of your father's day, this is the age of hi-tech computer designed pie tins and laser guided tarts. The LACD (Liberals Against Civilized Debate), originally organized to help liberals improve their own pie throwing, has changed direction and taken up the crusade against conservatives employing the same tactics. Harry Parr, the group's founder, has described to Point Five some of the conservative's deadly new methods.

"A college liberal, with the hand/eye coordination of a three year old, can barely walk, let alone hit someone with a pie at point-blank range. However irresponsible, they really aren't a danger to anyone. But these new conservative pie throwers are a different breed. They think about escape routes, they aim before taking their shot, and, because of their connections to the U.S. military, are constantly on the forefront of pie delivery technology. The danger to liberals is critically high."

Our Defense Department contacts provided Point Five with exclusive access to the secret world of offensive pie technology. (Click on the pie to see a clearer picture)




Point Five Forensic Analysis: The ordnance used to hit Nick Denton was clearly a "laser guided pie," similar to the example depicted above. This particular weapons system requires the deployment of a two man team. A covert operative is inserted near the potential target and paints the objective with a laser targeting device (laser pointer). He then calls in a coordinated airstrike from his partner, who seeks out and saturates the target area with the appropriate confectionery payload delivery system (pie). In the ensuing mayhem, the conservatively-dressed team blends into the surrounding populus, and reconvene later at a predetermined point.


Get The Real Story:
Drudge Report




Thanks to Mudville Gazette.



Minnesota Man Will Be First to "Boycott To Death"

Posted by a4g @ 5/20/2005 06:11:00 AM

Minnesota resident Marlin Dandridge is nearing death, as he slowly starves himself and refuses all attempts to offer him food and water. His daughter, Crystal, who has held vigil beside her father for three weeks now, spoke to Point Five in an interview that was sometimes poignant, sometimes angry. She blames nationally syndicated radio talk show host Hugh Hewitt for her father's current condition.

"Daddy loves Hugh," she said from the living room of her father's modest suburban home. "He listens every day. When Hugh said boycott Target because they wouldn't let the Salvation Army on the property at Christmas, Daddy boycotted. When Hugh called for action against Medarex pharmaceuticals, Daddy stopped taking his medicine. When Hugh said boycott Vermont, Daddy stopped visiting Grandma. When Hugh called for this latest Pepsi boycott, Daddy followed right along. The sugar from that Pepsi was only thing still keeping Daddy alive."

The jocular Hewitt, author of Blog, is known for his advocacy of calm politicking and the values of compromise and party unity, but is frequently known to spin off into raving madness when calling for boycotts of leading firms.

"Hugh's irresponsible calls for boycott at the slightest provocation have left Daddy without any way to eat or drink. He can't bathe because the soap is from Proctor & Gamble. He's wasting away and Hugh Hewitt doesn't care."

While her frequent calls to the Hugh Hewitt show have been rebuffed by Generalismo Duane, Crystal is still holding out hope that she will be able to contact Hewitt. She has started a blog of her own, and will soon be posting reviews of "Blog" and "If It's Not Close, They Can't Cheat". She believes the lure will be too great for Hewitt to resist.



Fourth Carnival of Comedy

Posted by a4g @ 5/20/2005 06:09:00 AM

Visit the Carnival of Comedy. And then click on the Point Five post. Maybe you will count as two visitors and up our site traffic.




Also you might laugh.



On The Implications of The Theories of Freidrich Hund

Posted by Stephen Hawking @ 5/20/2005 05:26:00 AM

Press ► (play) on the player below to hear Stephen Hawking's post:

(Note that due to Prof. Hawking's advanced intelligence, he does not always subscribe to our shallow understanding of decorum or common decency - listener discretion sometimes advised)












Prof. Hawking offers his insight and wisdom on physics and life every Monday and Friday on Point Five.
MP3 File



Thursday, May 19, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Pepsico CEO Trumps Trump on WTC Design

Posted by a4g @ 5/19/2005 01:04:00 PM

The Freedom Tower project has hit a huge snag, with two major players in the business world calling for it to be scrapped. First, Donald Trump stepped in and called the tower, "the worst pile of crap architecture I've ever seen in my life." And this from the man who paid for all of Ivana's surgeries. Instead, Trump is offering his own plan. From Vodkapundit:

Billionaire developer Donald Trump has officially thrown his support behind a plant to rebuild the Twin Towers at Ground Zero in practically the same form they were in prior to the September 11 attacks with a few safety modifications.


Point Five has learned that Pepsi President/CFO Indra K. Nooyi, who recently compared America to the middle finger, has challenged both the Freedom Tower plan and the Trump Plan with a plan of her own. We were given exclusive and almost unlimited access to the architect's renderings of the new Pepsi Twin Towers, and also an exclusive peek into the modifications that will make them the safest buildings ever erected.

Pepsi promises to return the New York skyline to full magnificence, and forever mark indelibly America as the middle finger to the rest of the world


  • Offers a clear warning to terrorists that America also likes 'the strong horse'.

  • Hardened nail area at the top of buildings are airplane resistant.

  • Other fingers are available to swat away potential threats, or can be raised when more office space is needed.

  • Can be rotated to face the New York Times when required.

  • Go ahead, try to knock 'em down. But you should see the seven-mile-high motherfu**er these hands belong to when he gets pissed off.




Economist Chris Martin Explains "Evil Investor" Theory

Posted by a4g @ 5/19/2005 06:23:00 AM



Chris Martin, whose band Coldplay SUCKS, lives life like he loves his money, but it's okay because he feels guilty about it.
Most people familiar with Chris Martin know him from his fronting the international smash hit band Coldplay, with record sales exceeding 20 million copies. But in the halls of academia, Mr. Martin is best known for his founding work in the school of economic thought known as Martinian. Descending and evolving from Keynesian Economics, Martinian reasoning expresses dynamical cost/value relationships in the normative subtext of deontological syllogism that... Oh, we'll just Martin himself explain, from the Evening Standard:

I think shareholders are the great evil of this modern world.

It's very strange for us that we spent 18 months in the studio just trying to make songs that make us feel a certain way and then suddenly become part of this corporate machine.



It seems that EMI, the world's third largest music company, is anticipating lower profits because the band did not deliver a record on time. But Chris doesn't care, instead he criticised what he called "the slavery that we are all under to shareholders".

Now, the editorial staff at Point Five contains certain members who are shareholders, and we don't take too kindly to having our slave-holding position exposed, Mr. Martin. Understanding the "corporate machine" as you do, yet being only a "tool" yourself, Point Five thought it would be helpful to our readers to offer this quick summary of Martinian economic theory:

  • Super-cool, ultra-creative recording artist - Good. Dull squaresville Mom and Pop investor - Bad.
  • Money isn't what it's all about, but it sure does impress an America-hating chick like Gwyneth Paltrow.
  • The sin of recieving evil profit should immediately be expiated by purchasing a £3.2 million house in exclusive Belsize Park.
  • Name your first kid Apple, because Windows sucks.
  • It's okay to waste EMI's money for eight months in a costly recording studio if your new songs "lack a spark."


Hey Chris, I've listened to 2002's A Rush Of Blood To The Head, with lyrics as profound as "Am I part of the cure? or am I part of the disease?".

"Lacking a spark" worked for you before. I say stick with it.






Thanks Conservative Cat.



Wednesday, May 18, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

For Dan Rather, Life Is Good

Posted by a4g @ 5/18/2005 10:01:00 AM

With the cancellation of Sixty Minutes II, we thought we'd revisit a story that touched a lot of our readers hearts:


For Dan Rather, Life Is Good



He once reigned supreme over the jewel in the crown of network news, the anchor of the vaunted CBS evening news broadcast. He was on call any minute of the day or night, ready to break an important bulletin.

But he's no longer Mr. Rather anymore. Now, they just call him Dan.

Rather works on a story from 'The Newsroom'


"You'd think he'd be all high and mighty," says Charlie Pruitt, "but I think he's truly happy here." Charlie is one of Dan's new found friends, who he faithfully meets each morning to discuss the day's news stories over coffee. But instead of the unblinking eye of CBS, now they chat under the golden arches.

"I've got to have my coffee," says Lorraine Liebowitz. "So does Dan. Four or five refills every morning. Not bad for $.89. We call that corner over there 'The Newsroom'. He fits right in here."

"He gets here right at six fifteen every morning, right on time," says a man who identified himself only as Pete. "Sets up his things, goes to work on his stories. Oh, so many stories. He tells us about them all, about Bush and Cheney and Rove."

But Edna Lavoris thinks the 'stories' thing is all for show. She says she looked at his laptop screen once, and he was playing solitaire. But one thing Edna thinks Dan will learn over time: "Here, it's not where you are that makes you important, but what you are."


Get The Real Story:
Michelle Malkin





Thanks Mudville Gazette.



China Trade Warning a Feint

Posted by a4g @ 5/18/2005 07:09:00 AM

The New York Times reports that the US Treasury Dept issued a stern warning to China, vowing to pressure the world's largest communist nation to bring its currency practices in line with accepted practices.

Pres. Bush is convinced that Chinese nationals will be as easily duped by a westerner in makeup as the Japanese were in the movie 'You Only Live Twice'


In language far harsher than it has used before, the Treasury Department declared that China's fixed exchange rate between its currency, the yuan, and the dollar posed a risk to its economy and the economies of much of the rest of the world.

The administration stopped short of accusing China of outright currency manipulation, a move demanded by American manufacturers who complain that the Chinese have artificially undervalued their currency to make exports cheaper in the United States.




Point Five has learned that the move was largely a feint crafted by Bush circle insiders to occupy the Chinese needlessly with diplomatic matters while offering cover for the insertion of a team of covert agents led by US Secretary of State Condelezza Rice. Named Operation Rice, Bush's plan is to insert the tough-as-nails Condi behind Chinese lines, allowing her to blend seamlessly with the population. It is believed that Bush has decided to take a hard line against China because of their clampdown on his newest hobby, blogging.


Condi will become Kahn Dieh, America's own answer to James Bond


Some administration insiders are opposed to Operation Rice, chiefly Donald Rumsfeld, who believes that trying to insert a black woman into the heart of communist China is tantamount to suicide. President Bush, however, believes that the ruse will work. "After all, James Bond did it in 'You Only Live Twice'."


To prepare for the plan, teams of Hollywood makeup artists have spent weeks transforming Condi into 'Kahn Dieh', a faithful communist drone of Vietnamese ancestry whose parents emigrated to China from North Vietnam by special permission in 1971. Bush is confident the extensive backstory he personally created will be all the protection that Condi needs.


Once firmly implanted, it will be Condi's job to make contact with the underground resistance in China's vast army of child workers. It is believed their little hands and intimate knowlege of the small, delicate inner workings of complex, battery driven Happy Meal toys will make them perfect accomplices to create President Bush's super weapon, a five hundred foot high giraffe, tie-in for the Melman character in the upcoming animated movie Madagascar, with laser beam eyes, that will lay waste to Taipei.



Bush's ultimate plan involves this five-hundred-foot mechanical giraffe, with laser beam eyes and the voice of David Schwimmer.




This has been a precision guided humor assignment.



Tuesday, May 17, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

In Iraq Desert, Operation "Kingdom of Heaven" A Success

Posted by a4g @ 5/17/2005 06:48:00 AM

'Insurgents' were led to believe that they would face pouty warriors in the mold of Orlando Bloom


As Operation Matador wraps up in the deep Iraqi desert, with great success having been achieved, Point Five turns its attention to the quiet war that raged not on the battlefield, but in the minds of the enemy.


Little known in the under-reported story of Operation Matador was a secondary operation, entitled Operation "Kingdom of Heaven" (OKOH), that was timed to coincide with the first. A breathtaking and bold piece of psychological warfare, OKOH called upon America's secret weapon in the War on Terror, our patriotic and willing warriors in America's other cradle of liberty: Hollywood, CA.


Actual Marines were described by captured enemies as 'less pouty than we expected.'

Years in the planning, OKOH required over a hundred million dollars and over 14,000 costumes to prepare. Deployed just before the start of Matador, OKOH depicted a Western warrior in the guise of actor Orlando Bloom, chiefly known for his appeal to pre-pubescent girls. Enemy combatants viewing this film were filled with exhuberant-- and ultimately fatal-- optimism. Reports from the battle indicate confusion and demoralization when met with the actual American soldier.

Another factor noted by Gen. Buck 'Buck' Bridges was the subtle evenhandedness of the film, treating Christians, Jews, and Muslims with equal respect and dignity, and God nothing more than a neutral party.

Bridges notes, "Fortunately, the US Marines have always found the real God to be less than neutral when the shooting starts."








As seen on TV! (and also Mudville Gazette.)



The Bonfire #98

Posted by a4g @ 5/17/2005 05:17:00 AM

The Bonfire of the Vanities descends like a swarm of locusts on the Conservative Cat this week. You should join in on the feeding frenzy!

Ferdinand Cat bills himself as "The fifth-best source of conservative political humor on the world wide web," but I think that's overly modest. As a frequent visitor, I can assure you he's the fourth funniest-- and it's not even close.

Get The Real Story:

The Bonfire -- 'Nuff Said.



Monday, May 16, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

America's Six Year Olds Blast Newsweek

Posted by a4g @ 5/16/2005 10:43:00 AM

A group of angry kindergarteners gathered in Washington, D.C. today to angrily denounce the lame, pathetic attempt by Newsweek to apologize for their false story on Koran flushing, which fed anti-American riots that have claimed the lives of 15 as of this report. The kids are angry because in the "apology," Newsweek merely blames the Pentagon for their sloppy reporting, as Howard Fineman, in full CYA mode, dissembled:

If you run it pass SOUTHCOM and they say no comment, and you run the entire item past a senior person at the Pentagon, and he critiques some other part of the short item, but doesn't critique that, a reasonable reporter like Mike and John Barry, and reasonable editors like the ones at Newsweek, would think that they had it pretty solid.


Brian Welch, 6, of P.S. 132 in Baltimore, Maryland, hearing that read in class felt he had to take action. After nap time, he gathered his fellow kindergartners and convinced the bus driver to drive them to Washington.

Brian Welch stares down armed riot police in his fight to protect kid control of lame excuses.


Brian, unafraid as he stared down armed riot police, said, "If they're going to blame somebody else for their mistakes, they've got to do it right."

The kids are afraid that the absurd lameness of the Newsweek blame attempt will hurt their chances to use the very popular technique in the future. "Blaming somebody else for your transgressions belongs to us kids! Our parents are going to catch on if these idiots don't get it right. Couldn't Fineman just said his big sister did it? Or it was 'like that when he found it'? Those are classics. I mean-- the Pentagon did it? What's wrong with this doodyhead?"

The kids are going to post their demands on a new website, which will be online after they can give Brian's dad the change they put together from their piggy banks. They are demanding a real adult apology, an end to that stupid 'Conventional Wisdom' column, and a three page feature article on Ms. Winston, their "very pretty" kindergarten teacher.






**UPDATE:** Newsweek has retracted the story. Unfortunately, Brian Welch was already tucked in when we called him for comment. His father, however, called us pervert freaks and told us to get the hell away from his son, and to never call again.

More as circumstances warrant.


Linked on Mudville Gazette, Wizbang.



Smart Ass Chicken Gets What's Coming To It

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 5/16/2005 06:59:00 AM

The chicken, here passed out after a night of binge drinking, would usually spend his days smoking and swearing
Three boys were arrested for allegedly torturing a chicken to death by lighting it on fire at Evergreen Camp in Lawrence. The Boston Globe reports:
The tape allegedly show[s] the boys, whose identities were not released because of their age, beating the chickens with fishing rods and lacrosse sticks and setting one on fire using a lighter and aerosol can, killing it...

"In the 30 years I've been doing this, I've seen a lot, but this is very disturbing to watch," said Andover police Lt. Kevin Winters.

"The way they came in and killed the chickens -- I'm appalled," said Jim Loscutoff Sr., a former Boston Celtics player and founder of Evergreen Camp.


But the boys tell a different story. "That chicken was a loudmouthed asshole," said Jimmy, one of the three boys accused of committing the killing. "We could only take so much sh** from that chicken. He crossed the line and we snapped."

Danny, the oldest of the three, agrees. "He'd come in and say things like: 'Hey Danny, how's your boyfriend?', or 'You afraid of a chicken, chicken?', or just burn me with his cigarette. It was just too much."

Bobby, the yougest, was too emotionally disturbed to comment.

Thousand of 'peep porn' images were found on the chicken's computer, many too graphic to post here

The chicken was also reported to be a whore-mongering, chain-smoking drunkard by various camp personnel. He "talked like a drunken sailor" and "always had an attitude." The chicken allegedly was screaming curse words at the boys when he attacked Danny. One of the boys squirted lighter fluid on the chicken to stop his violent attack. The cigarette ignited the fluid and "poof, extra crispy chicken."

The boy's parents blame inadequate security at the camp for the incident.


Get The Real Story:
Boston Globe


Linked on Outside the Beltway.



New Products, Services Arrive For 'Abortion Chic'

Posted by a4g @ 5/16/2005 06:45:00 AM

The London Daily Mail reports on a shocking trend of multiple abortions among British women, one woman reported to have had 6 abortions in a 12 month period. With one out of three abortions performed on 'repeat customers', abortion providers and cunning entrepreneurs are scrambling to serve this new 'Abortion Chic' trend. With only 1 in 100 abortions occurring in the UK for medical reasons, it is clear that 'lifestyle' is high on the priority list of these up-and-coming go-getter gals.

Abortion providers are catering to these fashion- and value-conscious ladies with promotions such as the "Frequent Aborter Discount Card", which offers a first-trimester chemical abortion free with four paid vacuum extractions; "Dinner and an Abortion Night," where ten to fifteen ladies enjoy a great meal together, then finish it off with an abortion; and "Abortisuction," a refresher tummy liposuction with one extra deep jab to pick off the inconvenient pregnancy tissue.

But not just abortion providers are getting in on the trend. Retailers are coming on strong with new products to appeal to these lovely ladies.


Collabra Pharmaceuticals introduces a prosthetic cervix with handy pull plug, for the safety and comfort of taking care of abortion needs from home.


The Sharper Image introduces a handy meter for the frisky lady, with a large, easily readable 'Vacant' notice for whenever she's "ready for a new fare".


And don't forget fashion -- these retailers haven't. They've got old favorites like "I've Had An Abortion," and newer, "funner" shirts like the one above.

All in all, abortion is coming out of the closet, and into a mall near you!



UPDATE: A reader emailed me to comment that with news like this, the world was surely ending, that God's perfect retribution would rain down on us like searing hellfire.

Ridiculous, I replied, this isn't the end of the world!
It's just really, really, really, really close.



On The Quality of Life

Posted by Stephen Hawking @ 5/16/2005 06:29:00 AM

Press ► (play) on the player below to hear Stephen Hawking's post:

(Note that due to Prof. Hawking's advanced intelligence, he does not always subscribe to our shallow understanding of decorum or common decency - listener discretion sometimes advised)











Prof. Hawking offers his insight and wisdom on physics and life every Monday and Friday on Point Five.
MP3 File



Sunday, May 15, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Point Five Sunday Roundup

Posted by a4g @ 5/15/2005 06:52:00 AM

DURBAN, SOUTH AFRICA
Funnyman Dave Chapelle has resurfaced and spoken to Time after abandoning his hit show and a $50 million contract. We at Point Five are following this story very closely, as we believe this is a chilling preview of what we will be facing in a few short years.

PARIS, FRANCE
Researchers have released findings that demonstrate a correllation between abortion and subsequent premature births, leading to a higher rate of death in these later pregnancies. The researchers suspect that as the second babies reach full-term, they are able to decipher the D&C warnings scrawled on the walls of the uterus, and decide to take their chances in a bail-out rather than trust the capricious whim of their mother.

ANDIJAN, UZBEKISTAN
There's lots of shooting and protesting and mayhem in Uzbekistan continuing today, as the Religion of Peace continues its marketing campaign, started in September, 2001, entitled, "Let's make even normal, moderate people throughout the world start to suspect that the only solution to the Muslim problem may end up being a nuclear one."

DECATUR, GEORGIA
Drudge reports that "mass hysteria" broke out at a commencement speech by Hillary Clinton. Drudge doesn't indicate what the reaction was of the audience to this.

FLAGSTAFF, ARIZONA
Groups are criticizing perrenial whipping-boy Wal-Mart for using imagery of Nazi book burning at Berlin's Opernplatz in an ad, saying that the reference "trivializes the Nazis and what they did." Sorry, protestors; anyone who says it's trivial to bring the Nazi's into a discussion of Wal-Mart has never tried to keep track of five kids and push a cart through a Wal-Mart aisle.

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA
Jane Fonda's new pic Monster-In-Law is tops at the box office, proving that at 68, Jane Fonda is still #1. In related news, it was reported that her treachery and perfidy in the Viet Nam war still tops Michael Moore's in OIF by a score of 200+ tortures to 7 beheadings.

MEXICO CITY, MEXICO
Vincente Fox is spewing angry words at the US's lumbering moves towards addressing the border problem. His anger is widely believed to be caused in part over frustration in his own border-crossing attempts, ever since a gardening job has opened at the White House.


Have a nice Sunday. Point Five Out.



Saturday, May 14, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Saddam Writes Poetry In Prison, Tagged With Meme

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 5/14/2005 12:26:00 PM

**WORLD EXCLUSIVE**
**MUST CREDIT POINT FIVE**

The Financial Times reports that between being starved and savagely beaten by evil American prison guards, Saddam Hussein is composing his memoirs from his prison cell.
He will try to embarrass the great powers that once saw him as a useful buffer against the expansionist ambitions of Iran after the 1979 Islamic revolution. In particular, says Mr di Stefano, he will tell how France and Britain double-crossed him by also helping Iran's Islamic republic during its eight-year war with Iraq in the 1980s.

There have been reports that Mr Hussein has been writing poetry in his jail cell.

Saddam, shown here, now spends his time writing poetry instead of writing death edicts

It was the poetry part that piqued our interest, and we decided to investigate further. Point Five was shocked to learn from our middle eastern contacts just how far Blog d'Ellison's infamous 'turd in a punchbowl' meme has traveled. Point Five obtained exclusive access to Saddam's poetry:

Turd in a punchbowl
My party guests are screaming
Turd in a punchbowl
But me? With pride I'm beaming

Turd in a punchbowl
My Uday was just having fun
Turd in a punchbowl
What a mischievous little son

Turd in a punchbowl
But what now shall we do?
Turd in a punchbowl
With that floating little poo

Turd in a punchbowl
Oh now I'm feeling jolly
Turd in a punchbowl
I just heard my good friend Ali

Turd in a punchbowl
Say he'll use the little turds
Turd in a punchbowl
In a chemical weapon against the Kurds

Turd in a punchbowl
The punch is turning orange
Turd in a punchbowl
Oh how it makes me...

But then its going...

What will I ever...

Oh, there I've done it again and tried to rhyme with orange! I can't concentrate in this Allah forsaken prison cell! I am Saddam Hussein! I AM SADDAM HUSSEIN! Greatest ruler in all of Arab history! The New Saladin! Ruler of Babylon & Mesopotamia! I have been put here by that infidel American George Bush! He shall pay for this!


Get The Real Story:
Financial Times, Blog d' Ellison




Friday, May 13, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

EU Warns Iran Against Nuclear Materials, 'Aggressive Surrender' Threatened

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 5/13/2005 07:02:00 AM

EU officials threatened Iran today against producing nuclear materials. The threat comes after reports that Iran may already be producing nuclear material that could be used to make nuclear or EMP weapons. The EU says that if their demands are not met it "would bring the negotiating process to an end." A top ranking EU diplomat suggested that the EU may have to use one their most highly developed weapon systems, Economic Sanctions.

However, Point Five's exclusive sources within the EU have spelled out a secret strategy being developed that may present an even more terrifying scenario. Dubbed 'Aggressive Surrender', the policy will provide for 'a massive, concerted, instantaneous, and unconditional surrender of all member states of the EU to the Iranian government in a concentrated beam of cowardice'.

The plan, as detailed by Talvitie Heikki, EU councilmember, then anticipates that Iran, confronted with a territory too large for it to control, will be forced to allow waves of European bureaucrats access to its government. This bureaucrat rapid response team will rapidly consolidate power within the Iranian government, and saturate the mullahs with a 'shock and awe' paperwork bombardment. The highly underdeveloped Iranian government, lacking the suave sophistication of the Europeans, will collapse from bankruptcy within months.

Alternately, the Beta Option allows that Iran succeeds in assimilating all of Europe, which becomes a Islamofascist state. As our source explains, 'Better sooner than later.'



RELATED:
Iran's Nuke Strategy Revealed, and Countered



Thanks to Mudville Gazette.



New 'Tallscreen' Format Set to Replace 'Widescreen' in 2011

Posted by a4g @ 5/13/2005 06:20:00 AM

A Point Five Emerging Technology Report



A movie industry group announced today plans to implement an entirely new display format for motion pictures and television programs, putting the plan on a fast track that should have worldwide compliance by 2011. Dubbed "Tallscreen", the format supplants both the early film/television aspect ratio of 4:3 "Fullscreen" and its successor, the 16:9 "Widescreen" format.

The group, Joint Action Committee of Actors, Singers, and Screenwriters, have developed the format to "enhance the enjoyment of the filmic art." Ben Affleck, a founding member of JACASS, and easily its most enthusiastic and knowlegable members, explains:

In early film, the 4:3 format was adopted defacto, without regard to aesthetics. Here is an image from the classic film, Ben Hur, shown in the 4:3 format:

4:3 'Fullscreen' Format


You can't see the action, the composition of the frame is totally muddled. Absolutely unacceptable. A horrible atrocity.



Here is the same image as shown in theaters:


'Widescreen' Format


Again, why I am looking at all this extraneous scenery? The number of chariots is confusing. I'm having difficulty processing all this information. And there seems to be some kind of large head that's gotten in the way of the shot.



And here, the fulfillment of over a century of dreams:


'Tallscreen' Format


The composition is simple, and elegant. I can follow the action. The actor (in this case Charlton Heston) suddenly becomes the focus of the scene, and isn't that what I paid big bucks to come and see, my favorite actor? Notice how the actor is highlighted.




The JACASS plan calls for legislation mandating the switch for all televisions, theaters, and computer monitors in a phased implementation that would be complete in 2011, believed to be the last year that the current crop of actors will still be believable in leading romantic roles.

Here is some of the exciting technological changes in store:

Tallscreen Movie Palace



Tallscreen Computer Monitor




UPDATE:
Some of our commenters have noted that the screenwriters seem to be an odd pick for this group. Speculation has swirled (and gotten quite heated, at times!) in the comments section of this post as to their inclusion in this group. Ben Affleck explains: "We asked the screenwriters to join because we knew we could get them to do all the actual work, after we had come up with the ideas. They were just happy to be asked."



On The Infinite Universe

Posted by Stephen Hawking @ 5/13/2005 05:30:00 AM

Press ► (play) on the player below to hear Stephen Hawking's post:

(Note that due to Prof. Hawking's advanced intelligence, he does not always subscribe to our shallow understanding of decorum or common decency - listener discretion sometimes advised)











Prof. Hawking offers his insight and wisdom on physics and life every Monday and Friday on Point Five.
MP3 File



Thursday, May 12, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Culkin Defends Jackson On Stand, Prosecution Rebuts With Damning Evidence

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 5/12/2005 08:59:00 AM


Young Culkin Experiences Michael Jackson's 'Thriller'

In a day of testimony that ranged from prosaic to pathetic, former child star Macaulay Culkin came to the defense of Michael Jackson, denying that any inappropriate behavior occurred between he and the so-called 'King of Pop' in the 90's, when he was a frequent guest at Jackson's Neverland Ranch.

But when confronted with the accompanying photo by prosector Ronald Zonen, Culkin broke down and was unable to respond. He also couldn't answer the charge that he had spent the entire year of 1991 unable to sit in a hard chair.












Get The Real Story:
The Smoking Gun