Doctors' Appeal For Ban On Knives Spurs Legislation

A research team from the West Middlesex University Hospital called for a ban on long, pointed knives, citing a rise in knife violence. A spokesman for the group stated, "Most kitchen knives are sharp, some are even pointy. We as a people are not safe until all sharp, pointy knives are removed from society."

The group has suggested that citizens should use scissors for cutting food. Then, realizing that they had already called for a ban on scissors, called for the ban of all food that needs to be cut.

The recent activity has even drawn international attention. Ralph Nader has joined the doctors and called knives "unsafe at any point".

But some politicians have called the ban only a half-measure, saying, "we also need a ban on all long and pointy objects that are a threat to ourselves and our children." Point Five has obtained exclusive access to stricter legislation that would prohibit an even greater class of objects:

Don't let his sweet innocent act fool you. Imagine a bobby questioning him about that disturbance last night at Pleasure Island. Two seconds later, there's a little wooden nose shooting through the heart of one of London's finest.

Can you imagine the carnage if a toddler got a hold of one of these?

The first tower's long and pointy design is
doubly terrifying because it has an evil twin.

Bill Whittle's posts: always pointy, and very, very long.

Dick Cheney.

Get The Real Story:
Villainous Company, The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler

Linked on the Beltway Traffic Jam, Mudville Gazette.

2nd Annual Friday Night Catblogging

It's Friday and time for catblogging! I think I've got it figured out this time.

You're such a good little CAT.
Look at you waiting so patiently.
Somebody's going to earn a snack!

Oh, isn't that just too precious!
Who likes to look inside
peoples' bodies?

Uh oh, that doesn't look good.

RELATED: Friday Night Catblogging



Thanks Mudville and Outside the Beltway.

Results Of 'Rename The Emperor' Poll

As faithful readers know, a poll has been started on the side bar which offers a chance to rename me after my spiritual conversion. The results of the polls are in, so without further adieu, the winning name of the contest is...

I DON'T CARE!

Did you honestly think that I, The Evil Emperor Mindstation, would actually allow you mortals to choose me a new name? I was never going to change my name! I staged this contest to fool you and watch maniacally through my computer screen as you writhed in agony like the craven whore's progeny that your are! How does it feel to be outsmarted in such a torturous fashion?

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

I can feel the pains you endure as the weight of my +2 warhammer of pain comes crashing down upon your brittle shield of ignorance! I feed off your suffering as you contemplate the awful might of my remorseless barrage of deception!

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

And worst of all, next week I will come back with a new poll and, like the wretched curs that you are, you will fall for my devious trap of lies. Then as I fill this blog with a rising sea of BWAHAHAHAs, you will know the true pain of the lacerating anguish that is my wrath! None can stop my brutal campaign of pain and sorrow! All shall be destroyed!


UPDATE:

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Hundreds Sick Over Drudge Headline

Medical authorities are urging Americans not to imagine the Drudge headline

Medical personnel across America are scrambling resources to combat a deadly outbreak of illness after The Drudge Report (a leading blog) posted a headline today that claimed "Helen Thomas Rides White House Press Secretary".

Reported symptoms have included nausea, vomiting, uncontrollable diarrhea and abdominal spasms, epilectic seizures and self-destructive behavior, most notably the gouging out of the eyes. Although the symptoms seem to subside after horse tranquilizers are given, doctors have reported two more serious cases with patients in critical condition after searching on Google Images for 'Helen Thomas Rides Press Sec'. Officials from the CDC requested Google disable the results of that search and it is believed no further serious cases will result.


UPDATE:

Pres. Bush will address the nation tonight along with Secretaries Rice and Rumsfeld to urge calm in the face of this medical crisis. Above all Bush will urge that no one imagine Thomas riding McClellan.

Get The Real Story:

Drudge Report (A Leading Blog)

We love the open post on Mudville Gazette.

Friday Night Cat Blogging

It's Friday night, time for cat blogging!

What are you digging up you silly cat?

Playing with logs again.

Isn't he cute? Just look at the mess he's made.

Conservatives Develop Deadly Pie Throwing Techniques

The signature red dot of a laser guided pie is evident on Nick Denton's now pie-covered head

Pie throwing used to be the sport of brain-dead liberal college students, a mostly harmless pursuit, but the once majestic pastime has turned into a deadly game of life and death now that conservative extremists have adopted the technique. Instead of the light grazings taken by the likes of Ann Coulter, observe the damage inflicted upon Gawker and Wonkette sleaze-peddler Nick Denton. This isn't the happenstance, frat boy pie throwing of your father's day, this is the age of hi-tech computer designed pie tins and laser guided tarts. The LACD (Liberals Against Civilized Debate), originally organized to help liberals improve their own pie throwing, has changed direction and taken up the crusade against conservatives employing the same tactics. Harry Parr, the group's founder, has described to Point Five some of the conservative's deadly new methods.

"A college liberal, with the hand/eye coordination of a three year old, can barely walk, let alone hit someone with a pie at point-blank range. However irresponsible, they really aren't a danger to anyone. But these new conservative pie throwers are a different breed. They think about escape routes, they aim before taking their shot, and, because of their connections to the U.S. military, are constantly on the forefront of pie delivery technology. The danger to liberals is critically high."

Our Defense Department contacts provided Point Five with exclusive access to the secret world of offensive pie technology. (Click on the pie to see a clearer picture)




Point Five Forensic Analysis: The ordnance used to hit Nick Denton was clearly a "laser guided pie," similar to the example depicted above. This particular weapons system requires the deployment of a two man team. A covert operative is inserted near the potential target and paints the objective with a laser targeting device (laser pointer). He then calls in a coordinated airstrike from his partner, who seeks out and saturates the target area with the appropriate confectionery payload delivery system (pie). In the ensuing mayhem, the conservatively-dressed team blends into the surrounding populus, and reconvene later at a predetermined point.

Get The Real Story:
Drudge Report

Thanks to Mudville Gazette.

Smart Ass Chicken Gets What's Coming To It

The chicken, here passed out after a night of binge drinking, would usually spend his days smoking and swearing

Three boys were arrested for allegedly torturing a chicken to death by lighting it on fire at Evergreen Camp in Lawrence. The Boston Globe reports:

The tape allegedly show[s] the boys, whose identities were not released because of their age, beating the chickens with fishing rods and lacrosse sticks and setting one on fire using a lighter and aerosol can, killing it...

"In the 30 years I've been doing this, I've seen a lot, but this is very disturbing to watch," said Andover police Lt. Kevin Winters.

"The way they came in and killed the chickens -- I'm appalled," said Jim Loscutoff Sr., a former Boston Celtics player and founder of Evergreen Camp.

But the boys tell a different story. "That chicken was a loudmouthed asshole," said Jimmy, one of the three boys accused of committing the killing. "We could only take so much sh** from that chicken. He crossed the line and we snapped."

Danny, the oldest of the three, agrees. "He'd come in and say things like: 'Hey Danny, how's your boyfriend?', or 'You afraid of a chicken, chicken?', or just burn me with his cigarette. It was just too much."

Bobby, the yougest, was too emotionally disturbed to comment.

Thousand of 'peep porn' images were found on the chicken's computer, many too graphic to post here

The chicken was also reported to be a whore-mongering, chain-smoking drunkard by various camp personnel. He "talked like a drunken sailor" and "always had an attitude." The chicken allegedly was screaming curse words at the boys when he attacked Danny. One of the boys squirted lighter fluid on the chicken to stop his violent attack. The cigarette ignited the fluid and "poof, extra crispy chicken."

The boy's parents blame inadequate security at the camp for the incident.

Get The Real Story:
Boston Globe

Linked on Outside the Beltway.

Saddam Writes Poetry In Prison, Tagged With Meme

**WORLD EXCLUSIVE**
**MUST CREDIT POINT FIVE**

The Financial Times reports that between being starved and savagely beaten by evil American prison guards, Saddam Hussein is composing his memoirs from his prison cell.

He will try to embarrass the great powers that once saw him as a useful buffer against the expansionist ambitions of Iran after the 1979 Islamic revolution. In particular, says Mr di Stefano, he will tell how France and Britain double-crossed him by also helping Iran's Islamic republic during its eight-year war with Iraq in the 1980s.

There have been reports that Mr Hussein has been writing poetry in his jail cell.

Saddam, shown here, now spends his time writing poetry instead of writing death edicts

It was the poetry part that piqued our interest, and we decided to investigate further. Point Five was shocked to learn from our middle eastern contacts just how far Blog d'Ellison's infamous 'turd in a punchbowl' meme has traveled. Point Five obtained exclusive access to Saddam's poetry:

Turd in a punchbowl
My party guests are screaming
Turd in a punchbowl
But me? With pride I'm beaming

Turd in a punchbowl
My Uday was just having fun
Turd in a punchbowl
What a mischievous little son

Turd in a punchbowl
But what now shall we do?
Turd in a punchbowl
With that floating little poo

Turd in a punchbowl
Oh now I'm feeling jolly
Turd in a punchbowl
I just heard my good friend Ali

Turd in a punchbowl
Say he'll use the little turds
Turd in a punchbowl
In a chemical weapon against the Kurds

Turd in a punchbowl
The punch is turning orange
Turd in a punchbowl
Oh how it makes me...

But then its going...

What will I ever...

Oh, there I've done it again and tried to rhyme with orange! I can't concentrate in this Allah forsaken prison cell! I am Saddam Hussein! I AM SADDAM HUSSEIN! Greatest ruler in all of Arab history! The New Saladin! Ruler of Babylon & Mesopotamia! I have been put here by that infidel American George Bush! He shall pay for this!

Get The Real Story:
Financial Times, Blog d' Ellison

EU Warns Iran Against Nuclear Materials, 'Aggressive Surrender' Threatened

EU officials threatened Iran today against producing nuclear materials. The threat comes after reports that Iran may already be producing nuclear material that could be used to make nuclear or EMP weapons. The EU says that if their demands are not met it "would bring the negotiating process to an end." A top ranking EU diplomat suggested that the EU may have to use one their most highly developed weapon systems, Economic Sanctions.

However, Point Five's exclusive sources within the EU have spelled out a secret strategy being developed that may present an even more terrifying scenario. Dubbed 'Aggressive Surrender', the policy will provide for 'a massive, concerted, instantaneous, and unconditional surrender of all member states of the EU to the Iranian government in a concentrated beam of cowardice'.

The plan, as detailed by Talvitie Heikki, EU councilmember, then anticipates that Iran, confronted with a territory too large for it to control, will be forced to allow waves of European bureaucrats access to its government. This bureaucrat rapid response team will rapidly consolidate power within the Iranian government, and saturate the mullahs with a 'shock and awe' paperwork bombardment. The highly underdeveloped Iranian government, lacking the suave sophistication of the Europeans, will collapse from bankruptcy within months.

Alternately, the Beta Option allows that Iran succeeds in assimilating all of Europe, which becomes a Islamofascist state. As our source explains, 'Better sooner than later.'



RELATED:
Iran's Nuke Strategy Revealed, and Countered

Get The Real Story:
Little Green Footballs, Yahoo News

Thanks to Mudville Gazette.

Culkin Defends Jackson On Stand, Prosecution Rebuts With Damning Evidence

Young Culkin Experiences Michael Jackson's 'Thriller'

In a day of testimony that ranged from prosaic to pathetic, former child star Macaulay Culkin came to the defense of Michael Jackson, denying that any inappropriate behavior occurred between he and the so-called 'King of Pop' in the 90's, when he was a frequent guest at Jackson's Neverland Ranch.

But when confronted with the accompanying photo by prosector Ronald Zonen, Culkin broke down and was unable to respond. He also couldn't answer the charge that he had spent the entire year of 1991 unable to sit in a hard chair.

Get The Real Story:
The Smoking Gun

U.S. Ships Fly Navy Jack, Animal Rights Activist Worried

The Secretary of the Navy, Gordon England, had ordered that all U.S. ships shall fly the Navy Jack. The flags will replace the Union Jack aboard U.S. vessels for the duration of the War on Terror.

The Navy Jack is traditionally flown before a major ass-whoopin'

But animal rights groups have issued a stern warning. "Displaying a snake for all to see aboard an already hated American ship may incite hatred against rattlesnakes, nature's gentlest creature," said George Willborro, leading animal rights activist and speaker.
Secretary England rebuffed these claims saying "the rattlesnake lives only in sparsely populated desert areas in North America, where anti-American sentiment will be minimal, appearing mainly around Sen. Harry Reid (D,NV)."

Millions of rattlesnakes, like the one shown here, now live in fear of violent reprisals. American foreign policy to blame

But animal rights groups are still concerned. "We see this discrimination against rattlesnakes spreading like wildfire to all snakes," said Willboro. "We will see soon snakes being maltreated all over the world because of this. Snakes being decapitated, molested, tortured and generally feared is what this will devolve into." Willborro also says that the after rattlesnakes, the boa, pythons and cobras are expected to be the hardest hit.

Get The Real Story:

Atlas Shrugs, On The Border Line

Linked to Mudville Gazette.

Adam Cohen Suggests Code of Ethics For Bloggers

Adam Cohen, in an editorial yesterday in the New York Times, questioned the ethics of Bloggers (POINT FIVE ACTION WARNING 177: subscription required). His piece has caused an uproar in the blogosphere, and has even inspired legislation from some prominent senators. Dubbed the "McCain/Kerry Unenforceable Internet Web Logging Code of Conduct Law for Bloggers Who Blog," this legislation will "create a sense of accountability among a largely unregulated media," said maverick Washington outsider Sen. John Kerry. "These bloggers were responsible for the unsubstantiated, irresponsible attacks on prominent presidential candidates last year, who, by the way, have served in Vietnam".

The law contains the following limits:

• Posts classified as containing 'false statements' are not allowed, unless they are directed against a sitting Republican President, at which time they shall be reclassified as 'true statements.'
• Irresponsible counters on blogs such as how long ago Kerry promised to sign a F-180 are to be replaced by more important counters, like the Iraqi civilian body count, or the Fallen Americans body count.
  
• The Drudge Report shall always be referenced as "The Drudge Report, a leading blog."
• Calling the Main Stream Media the "LSM" or Lame Stream Media is now a hate crime.
• There is no God but Allah (that one's for insurance).
• The difference between 99.9999% certainty that documents are forgeries and 100% certainty is the difference between civilization and anarchy. The former should always be referred to as "..the National Guard documents, which a few partisans have questioned the authenticity of..."
• Did you know that Blog stands for Web Log?
  

"I had to sponsor this bill," said Sen. McCain. "You don't get to be the biggest wanker in D.C. by getting up at noon and sitting on your ass all day."

Internet Creator Gore Adds New Claim to Accomplishments

Kevin at Wizbang is reporting that Vice President Al Gore will accept the Webby Award for "three decades of contributions to the Internet."

Point Five has been given exclusive access to the transcript of the speech that Mr. Gore will give at the awards dinner on June 6. Among other achievements, Al Gore will take credit for the following:

• Legislative sponsorship of the bill that created the internet.
• Legislative sponsorship of the bill that created internet porn.
• The free AOL 6.0 disk
• The "Blue Screen of Death"
• Cream Cheese
• Web Logging, a precursor to Blogging


Al Gore's "Blue Screen of Death", designed for Windows to give computer users a restful ergonomic break every fifteen minutes.
• Ctrl-Alt-End (Gore's early idea that was later supplanted by David Bradley's Ctrl-Alt-Del)
• The name "slacks" to indicate "pants"

The remainder of the speech contains long and rambling sentences with no basic structure and has a complete lack of what we in blogging like to call an 'end'. All in all, it reveals why former president Bill Clinton used to refer Gore to as "Vice Presidential" in stature.







BREAKING NEWS ON POINT FIVE:

• The Huffington Post To Be Renamed HR Puffington Post


• SCOTUS Readies Tactics to Overturn 'Real ID' Measure


• Ugly Children to be Raised by Wild Dogs


• New Law to Define Blogger Ethics

Welcome visitors from the Carnival!

Cheerleading Bill Prohibits Suggestive Moves without Safety Pole

The controversial bill that passed in the Texas House will soon be introduced in the state Senate. "This really isn't about legislating morality, this is about ensuring the safety of those girls," bill sponsor Rep. Al Edwards, D-Houston said. "I was at a football game and I was shocked to see the suggestive moves and sexuality of these otherwise fine young women, without so much as a safety pole for the girls to swing around on."

The bill provides for, among other things, that proper safety provisions are adhered to at all sporting events.

• Safety poles, like the ones provided in fine gentleman's clubs across America, must be installed so as to avoid falling-related injuries.
• Provocative moves for their own sake are prohibited. Sexually suggestive cheers must be incorporated into an artistic story, like "Breaking the Chains of Dominance!"
  
• Skirts, because of the dangers of entanglement, must be removed either prior or during performances
• Two of the cheerleaders must kiss. No one knows exactly why, but apparently some representatives think this is a good idea.
  

Others, however, are calling the bill a half measure.Rep. Paul C. Moreno, D-El Paso said "Mr. Edwards is only going half the distance. We need the cheerleaders to perform closer to the audience, practically right in their laps."

He also added that he was in favor of upping the required amount of kissing.



BREAKING NEWS ON POINT FIVE:

• Republicans Accuse Dems of 'Dirty Tricks' in Judicial Fight


• SCOTUS Readies Tactics to Overturn 'Real ID' Measure


• New Study Finds TV Asians 'Too Smart'


• Point Five Presents Thomas and Gordon and the Abandoned Siding

UPDATE: Frank J has his own take on this issue.
.
Thanks to the Beltway Traffic Jam and Mudville Gazette.
Welcome readers from Wizbang.

Reason for Absence

Regular readers of Point Five may have noticed that my nic, The Evil Emperor Mindstation, hasn't been gracing the bylines of too many posts for the last two weeks. Many wild theories have surfaced in the comments sections (including one post, "Where the hell is that assho** Evil Emperor Mindstation?", that hit 523 comments!).

I'm back, and I'm ready to tell the story. Some have said that a catastrophic boot sector failure combined with a corrupted Windows reinstallation prevented me from accessing the internet for the last two weeks. Others have said that I was undergoing radical plastic surgery after the grand jury testimony. Others assumed that a4g had me killed for my regular insolence and ill-temper. I would like to say that these rumors (although well-founded in the truth) are patently false.

I have actually been on a deep journey of self-discovery with my mentor Richard Gere. For several weeks I have tasted the high mountain air of Tibet in a secluded Buddhist monastery. I have reached a quiet peace with my inner demons that have for so long driving me towards Evil, the kind of Evil so Evil it has to be spelled with a capital 'E'. So I would like to announce to all our readers that I am going to change my name to better suit my cleansed inner self. I have thought of a few new names for myself, but the monks told me specifically to let my readers choose my new name via a web poll. See the sidebar for your chance to chime in!

Feel free to leave additional suggestions in the comments, where they will be promptly ignored.

I'll be publishing the results as soon as they align with the name that I like the best.