/* */

Saturday, April 30, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

I've been infected by an evil poem

Posted by Stephen Hawking @ 4/30/2005 09:37:00 PM

A Note From Prof. Hawking's Nurse:

Professor Hawking was annoyed to discover he had been tagged by Buckley F. Williams of The Nose On Your Face to participate in an evil poetry meme, originated by someone of great evil and malicious intent. However, Professor Hawking did not become the most famous living physicist in the world by being stupid, so he understands the value of being a link whore. Besides, he has written previously that computer viruses should be considered a form of life, so why not evil blogmemes?

The concept is as follows: Create a short poem of several stanzas in the following form:

Turd in a punchbowl,
Have no fear,
Turd in a punchbowl,
Write your own line here.

Then inflict the same "tagging" you have received on three other unsuspecting bloggers, and see if they're as big a link whore as you!

Professor Hawking has chosen The Right Hand of God, IbeJO, and Irritation Station.

Professor Hawking's poem may be heard below.

-- Prof. Hawking's Nurse

Press ► (play) on the player below to hear Stephen Hawking's poem:
(Note that due to Prof. Hawking's advanced intelligence, he does not subscribe to our shallow understanding of decorum or common decency - listener discretion advised)

The Poem:

Weekend Fun

Posted by a4g @ 4/30/2005 04:36:00 PM

For weekend fun, there is really very little that can compete with a call to a customer service center. Feeling a little lonely and bored, I decided today was the day to stop avoiding calling the customer service line of a certain major cell-phone provider whose-name-shall-not-be-mentioned (Cingular), and have them provide me with a replacement for one of the phones on my company plan that has a non-functioning screen.The thing about the screen on a cell phone, as I was soon to discover, is that it is not properly called a 'screen': it is a 'display'. Evidently, this is a distinction of some importance in the cellular community. I don't know if that was the source of my problems, but it is certainly the leading candidate.

Perhaps calling from my (functioning) cell while I was driving could be described as a 'lapse in judgment', but coming from a guy who confidently predicted "Bush will win 50 states, because no one could possibly vote for traitor Kerry," 'lapse in judgment' is pretty much standard operating procedure.

I must admit I was feeling pretty confident at the start of the call, after all, I guessed the customer service number correctly: 611. And certainly any company that made it so unbelievably easy to reach them with a number that even I could remember, would be able to solve my problem with ease. Of course, it was hubris that damned every Greek tragic hero, and my hubris was bordering on outright arrogance as I heard the words "Cingular Customer Service" chirp over the speaker on my LG phone.

Scientists tell us that there is really no scientific way to determine the race of an individual, that examining the DNA within a racial group, there is more variation than across racial groups. These scientists have never tried to use a flip phone designed in the ergonomics labs of a Chinese electronics firm with a white guy's ear. As I certainly don't think of the Asians as having ears fundamentally different than the western, this will be a subject of much future contemplation (and even some rude staring) the next time I go to Pick-Up-Stix or Panda Express. Suffice to say, out of all the possible places the speaker can be parked against your ear, it is only the really painful one that you can a)hear and b)not go deaf from the volume.
Unfortunately, at the moment that the customer service computer cheerfully answered my call, I was shirking the hair-shirt position that my phone should have been parked in, and the resulting blast of volume was roughly equivalent to the experience that the aforementioned Greek tragic hero must have felt when he gouged out his own eyes upon learning that his wife was actually his mother (which, coincidentally, is ranked just two notches higher on the weekend fun scale than the call I was embarking upon).

Anyway, the thrill of having made it through the first wall of defense of the citadel of customer service was enough to make me forget the throbbing pain in my ear and ignore the blood dripping onto my neck. I switched ears and resolved to challenge the next labor that Cingular had layed out before me. I would meet the beast of the labyrinth--the automated menu.

It's not that its difficult to fumble with your phone in one hand, alternately listening and then punching-in your wireless phone number and account number, zip code, and pin number with a thumb turned purple from the arthritic effects of the syndrome called Blueberry-Thumb, while simultaneously negotiating through the 'El Toro Y' interchange on the 405 freeway north. Its that its difficult to do and still maintain a safe speed and direction. In my defense, however, I should think that the concept of "lanes" breaks down significantly when you are talking about an interchange that is 22 lanes wide, vs. a two-lane highway, where "lane" has a really serious, in-your-face sort of meaning. Besides, here I am multi-tasking, surely a wise and prudential use of my limited time on this globe, and I'm being vilified by other motorists, who certainly are merely only "driving" and nothing more, and as such, certainly should have the mental energy available to both drive and avoid me as I swerve and careen over, through and around the Bott's Dots that demarcate the narrow boundaries that we allow ourselves to be pidgeonholed into called "lanes". I suppose I could have pulled over, but I was running late to an appointment--and as I just stated, the fact that I was trying to do two things at once is a pretty good indicator that my time is more valuable than that of the people driving next to me, who I might add, I don't even know. And hanging up and trying again later was out of the question. That was just what Cingular wanted me to do. Besides, I really didn't think I was putting anyone in danger, as I have always considered it common courtesy to let other drivers know exactly where I am at any moment by making sure my truck has a sizable cloud of smoke pouring from the exhaust as an unequivocal signal of my presence.

I have no small amount of admiration for those who design automated customer service menus. It takes a special kind of genius to analyze what must be a nearly unlimited number of different questions and distill them down in such a way as to offer options so nearly close to each and every one of them that it could be the right option, but never really is. It truly boggles the mind, as it would seem that at least one caller would find something in the menu that sparks that neuron that says, "Yes! This is the right option." But the logic and analysis of the customer service menu designer is far greater than the abilities of we mere mortals who call in. We are thwarted while Zeus chuckles. So between option "4", 'trouble with your existing service', or option "5", 'experiencing problems connecting with your phone' (and you can catch a glimpse of the truly superlative genius involved here, and that it has something to do with the careful crafting of adjectives), I braved forth into option "4". I was met with the following four options:

1. You are experience error 432.
2. Your phone is having trouble getting a signal.
3. You want to change the ring tone on your phone.
4. You want to add additional services to your plan.

Well, clearly only option one had the gravitas to match a broken screen. Error 432.

Cingular: Is this the first time you have experienced error 432? 1. Yes 2. No

Me: 1.

Cingular: Is the indicator blinking, or steady? 1. Blinking. 2. Steady.

It was here that I realized I had made a tactical mistake of the first order. Like a wailing Lear wandering blind, my foolish choice built on arrogance and self-importance had led me to this place. Blinking or steady? Indicator? Where was I? On what Stygian plane of existence had I found my self cast?

And like a child I cried out of the darkness to the one thing that might possibly save me.


If this tale were the figment of fantastic imagination, perhaps the deux ex machina of the operator would be sufficient to extricate me from the nightmare into which I had entangled myself. Suffice to say that cruel reality had a somewhat more trying experience in store for me. Unlike Theseus, I had no woven string to guide me back, but somehow, through a dark place to which I do not wish to return, and which is too horrible to commit to the written word, I managed to negotiate my way to a feminine human voice.

"Hello, may I have your Cingular wireless number."

Yes, this was the same number I had already punched in, that had almost cost the lives of a family of seven in a minivan on the overpass onto the 405 north. I told her the number.

"And what is your Cingular account number."

Again, hadn't I already done this?

"And your billing zip code--"

"And your pin number--"

I often wonder if the customer service representatives of any given company do this for sport. Are they chuckling, hidden within the small cubicles that house them, hearing the chuckles of a thousand other customer service representatives bubbling over the soft fabric walls that contain them, while the scent of curry and the cool breeze blowing over the mighty river Ganges breaks the still air of the lockless prison of their daily labor?

No matter, the thing had been done, the words said. I had hurdled the wall of the initial connection, negotiated the maze of the automated answering system. This human voice was beautiful, exotic, extremely hard to understand. But she was my customer service representative now, even if only for the length of the call. She had a kind of transcendent beauty that only artists can ever experience.

"Please hold."

And she was gone, like the subtle delicate perfection of a snowflake touching your finger, and in making contact, being destroyed.

There was only music, horrible music.

I will not describe the two other voices I spoke to, who again confirmed my wireless number, my account number, my billing zip code, my pin number. They were ogres, villains, grotesque creatures of fevered nightmare. But I held fast through the terror of the Scylla and Charybdis, though they bore in on me hard, and my connection strength went to a single bar through the 405/55 interchange. Still, I emerged into the afternoon light streaming at my face under the hulking menace and skeletal support structure of the new construction of the HOV lane overpass onto the 405 north.

I had passed under without dropping the call. And I had reached another voice.

"Thank you for calling Cingular. How may I help you."

"One of the phones on my plan has a screen that isn't working."

"Display not working. I can help you with that. Your name?"

I told her.

"And your wireless phone number."

I told her, accidentally transposing two of the digits.

"Hmmm. That's not the number I show here on the screen."

"Then why are you asking?" I asked.

She didn't dare answer. I had struck a real nerve. She changed the subject quickly.

"I need you call back from another phone, so that I can test the phone you are on."

"This phone is fine," I said. "Its another number that is messed up."

"The number isn't working?"

"No, the screen."

"The display?" she asked.

"Right. The display."

"So the display isn't working. Open the phone with the problem. Describe what you see on the display."

"The screen is completely blank," I said.

"The display?"

"Yes. The display is completely blank."

"Take the battery off the phone. Read me the ID number."

Now I had a real challenge. Holding my phone in one hand, the other phone in the other, and steering with my knee, I removed the battery.

There was probably three inches available on the back of the phone in which to write the ID number. LG chose to use .1 of those inches.

The choice was either to watch the road, or read the number. I had come this far. I could face the challenge or back down. I chose to face the challenge. I read off the number, peering close to the miniscule numbers to read them. In Buddhism, they say there is a place one can reach after years of meditation and contemplation, a place of fundamental harmony with all the universe. For a few brief moments, I touched that place. With the jostling of the truck, the size of the ID, the gradual failing of my eyes, there was no way humanly possible I could have read that ID number. I could not distinguish numbers from letters, 0 from 8. In short, I don't believe I did read those numbers. I was the numbers.

But in the rush and euphoria of the moment, I must have transposed the last two numbers.

"That doesn't agree with the ID number here in the computer," she said. "I'll use the one I have."

I heard keystrokes from the other side of the line. I felt my face flush. Things were happening. Mysterious things. Customer service things. Things that mere mortals who drive and talk and wonder could not possibly comprehend. Switches were talking to hubs were talking to transmitters. I could palpably feel my problem being solved.

"Sir, you're not the primary party on this account."

Her words were like the jolt awake at the bottom of a long fall in a dream. I barely managed to squeeze out a "What?"

"I'm afraid I can't authorize anything. The billing goes to someone else."

"But it's my account! My partner only handles the invoices! I ordered these damn phones!"

"You'll have to have your partner call. I'll save all of our information in a special file. That way your partner can call and just have everything authorized. Is there anything else I can help you with today?"

"No," I muttered, no really knowing what I was saying. And then she was gone.

If you're wondering whether the replacement phone is coming, I'm afraid you'll be disappointed. My partner called Cingular from the office, but he didn't have the ID number from the broken phone that was still in my possession. I told him the whole conversation was saved, they had all the information--she had made a file. But it didn't matter. I realized, there never had been a file, never had been a case number, never had been a chance from the very beginning. Customer service didn't want me to have a new phone. Not for the mere inconvenience of a broken screen.

Er, display.

UPDATE: Welcome readers from the Bonfire. If you've made it this far, you might as well stick around. How 'bout checking out the main page, where, I promise, we keep the posts short.

Friday, April 29, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

On Still Relating to My Students

Posted by Stephen Hawking @ 4/29/2005 05:33:00 AM

Press play below to hear Stephen Hawking's post:
(Note that due to Prof. Hawking's advanced intelligence, he does not subscribe to our shallow understanding of decorum or common decency - listener discretion advised)

Prof. Hawking offers his insight and wisdom on physics and life every Monday and Friday on Point Five.

Thanks to Wizbang for the link.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Carnival of Comedy

Posted by a4g @ 4/28/2005 10:50:00 AM

The very first Carnival of Comedy is up at IMAO.

Point the sharp edge away from you, and nobody will get an eye poked out.

Al Gore teams with move-on.org in offensive against right-wing satire

Posted by a4g @ 4/28/2005 09:09:00 AM

There's a dangerous movement afoot in this country, and I'm not going to take it sitting down. So I sat down at my computer to take a stand, while seated.

In an outrageous attempt to crush right-wing political speech, move-on.org sponsored a speech yesterday by former Vice President Al Gore. The rally, ostensibly covering the topic of "judicial filibusters", was actually a wooden stake targeted at the vampiric heart of satire and mockery from the right wing blogs.

Using his incredible position of power, and phrases of supreme idiocy like "this aggressive new strain of right-wing religious zealotry is actually a throwback to the intolerance that led to the creation of America in the first place," Gore is attempting to sledgehammer every blogger on the internet that tries to carefully craft satirical pieces.

Like Hillary attempting to go to the right of the GOP on immigration, Gore is cynically trying to out-satire his satirists.

My attempts to mock him have come up completely dry. I've heard that Iowahawk had to throw away a promising 10,000 word piece that he'd been working on for days, and Scott Ott won't answer his phone. It just rings and rings and rings and rings. We love you Scott! Hold on! There is always hope!

Well, Mr. Gore, this means war. You may have out-rediculoused me this time, but I'm waiting, watching, googling. One day you'll say something slightly less stupid and incoherent than the speech you gave yesterday, and I'll still be here. Ready to misquote you and put words in your mouth that make you look like a fool.


UPDATE: I've been reading through some of Gore's speeches, and I realize now I am up against a more formidible opponent than I first realized. This guy has obviously been waging this fight against mockery and satire much longer than I realized. Still, it takes only one error for the master to be skewered by the pupil. I am a patient man.

You will trip up. You will say something coherent and rational. And then you will be MINE.

Point Five Revolution Continues, Dubious Honor Edition

Posted by a4g @ 4/28/2005 05:40:00 AM

Is is a good thing or a bad thing to be #1 on Google for the search term "real purty mouf"?

Your Point Five Masters continue to plot and plan...

UPDATE 5/9/05: Still #1. The Point Five Buzzword for today: UNSTOPPABLE.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

"Not One Dime More" Campaign Credited For Record RNC Fundraising Dollars

Posted by a4g @ 4/26/2005 11:41:00 PM

The Republican National Committee, chief fundraising organ for the party, today announced record-setting fundraising efforts, measured against to the comparable period in April, 2001.

"Even adjusted for inflation," says Ken Mehlman, RNC chair, "We're outpacing every goal we had set earlier in the year."

Point Five has learned, through a highly-placed source, that the incredible numbers are directly the result of Karl Rove's secret "Not. One. Nickel. More." fundraising drive.

"The outrageous behavior of the Democrats has reached such a saturation," our source tells us, "that fundraising dollars were starting to flatline. It was a cause of serious concern."

Calls were made. Hand signals given. Deep within his subterranean lair, the dark lord of the GOP, Karl Rove, pondered for nearly a week before revealing his plan.

Rove quietly proposed a two point strategy. First, enrage the base with a coordinated, limp-wristed response to every Democrat outrage, especially the filibuster of judicial appointments. Second, initiate a "grassroots" campaign based on revolutionary WalMart-type, high-volume tactics. Instead of large contributions from fat-cat donors, Rove's would extract $.04 from each and every infuriated Republican. The total take: unprecedented. Implementation was left to "independent" blogger Ed Morrisey, of Captain's Quarters Blog.

A confidential source very close to Mr. Morrisey tells us that it was Ed's innovation to change the name to "Not. One. Dime. More.", thus more than doubling the projected revenues from the current fundraising drive.

For this insolence, Rove ordered certain punishments be carried out on Mr. Morrisey, that our confidential source would not elaborate upon. (HT: Mrs. Morrisey)

Point Five was not able to learn the total take of $.09 donations, as our servers have begun crashing unexpectedly and our Windows installations have become extremely unstable, but we believe it to be sufficient to finance installation of mind-control devices in the all of the few "independent Republican" Senators that have dared question Rove's party apparatus.

GOP Leadership Prepares to Bring 'Sissy Fight' Techniques to Judicial Confirmation Battle
Republicans to stage HMS Pinafore
WaPo set to announce judicial shocker

Outside The Beltway

Stupid Horse Dies on Movie Set, Idiot Animal Rights Activists Have Panties in a Bunch

Posted by a4g @ 4/26/2005 11:05:00 PM

A horse, stupidest of the large mammals, committed suicide Tuesday on the set of the new film "My Friend Flicka". The dumb beast, beloved by 9 year old girls and emotionally retarded adults, stepped on its own rope and broke its neck, a stunt so moronic it is difficult to conjure the appropriate adjectives to describe. The death was slightly unusual, because this form of brain-dead behavior is more commonly exhibited in teenage boys on Maximum Exposure.

Lots of people are all upset on the movie set, blah, blah, blah, but I didn't see anything in the article about horse chili, horseburgers, or horse salad sandwiches, so I lost interest.

Instead of "no animals were harmed in the filming of this picture," I'd really like to see a movie where it said, "we slaughtered the crap out of every animal we could afford to hire because we thought there was a 1% chance it might make the movie slightly better, and even if it didn't, it sure pissed off a lot of wacky animal rights chicks."

I miss the Golden Age of Hollywood.

UPDATE: Welcome visitors from IMAO and the Carnival of Comedy. Congratulations to spacemonkey for what has turned out to be a truly enormous COC! And thanks to Frank J. for hosting spacemonkey's COC in his site!

Visit our mainpage for more!

Monday, April 25, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Iran's Chilling Nuke Strategy Revealed, and Countered

Posted by a4g @ 4/25/2005 10:43:00 PM


Today's World Net Daily details a troubling possibility, explaining how clandestine Iranian tests of its Shahab-3 missile could be setting the stage for an unconventional nuclear strike against the American homeland with devastating, little-known consequences.

Scientists...say there is no explanation for such tests other than preparation for the deployment of electromagnetic pulse weapons – even one of which could knock out America's critical electrical and technological infrastructure, effectively sending the continental U.S. back to the 19th century with a recovery time of months or years.

The article has sent a wave of panic throughout the nation. However, Point Five has obtained exclusive information from highly placed scientists within DARPA, the Defence Advanced Research Projects Agency, that a top-secret project has been underway for several years aimed at protecting the US from just such an attack. An outgrowth of the Future Force Warrior / Vision 2020 Future Warrior research projects, the project promises to protect America in the event of an EMP attack that crippled our electronic system and effectively returned the nation to pre-industrial technology.

The Vision 2020 Future Warrior System
America's 'on-the-grid' combat solution.

The Vision 1775 Future Warrior System
America's 'off grid' combat solution.

The combat system, called the Vision 1775 Minuteman, is a battle-tested, hardened killing machine. Using no electronics, completely self-contained and 100% 'off grid', it features asymetrical tactics and a cycle time of less than 60 seconds from resting state to battle readiness.

Our source at DARPA was amazed that the Iranian mullahs would be so ignorant of history as to even contemplate attacking the US homeland with their ill-conceived EMP bomb

"I can only think that they're so used to dealing with the easily-cowed Europeans, who have centuries of history of paying bribes to Muslims, that they have forgotten that America has already deployed the marine version of the Vision 1775 Minuteman, to the shores of Tripoli in 1805. They should ask Libya how that went."

Brand New Technology Powers The Huffington Post, New Celebrity Blogsite

Posted by a4g @ 4/25/2005 06:00:00 AM

When Ariana Huffington had the idea for a place where celebrity bloggers could meet and share ideas, she had no idea what she was getting herself into.

"It seemed like there were a million questions," she says. "How will you get celebrities to come and talk about themselves? Will they recoil at the publicity?"

But, says Ms. Huffington, gathering celebrities was the least of her problems. Enter Ted Czarneski, a web expert.

"This is a for-profit business model," says Czarneski, CEO of TCIT. "Advertisers want hits, pageviews, visitors."

So tracking visitors became the real challenge. "In our first run-throughs with the celebrities who were kind enough to immediately embrace the concept, Barbra Streisand, Alec Baldwin, and Sean Penn, we found that the pageview numbers were absolutely stratospheric, web-shaking. But this was before we had even published to the web, from our dedicated server."

It seemed that the celebrities had included literally tens of thousands of self-referential links, and were visiting their own sites hundreds of thousands of times just to enjoy what they themselves had written.

"Frankly, we were in danger of overwhelming our servers just with the traffic from these three."

Czarneski will not discuss the proprietary solution he devised to separate the actual traffic from the celebrities, but it promises to be the subject of much speculation as The Huffington Post begins rocking the world of the blogosphere.

On the Value of Life Experience

Posted by Stephen Hawking @ 4/25/2005 05:31:00 AM

Press play below to hear Stephen Hawking's post:
(Note that due to Prof. Hawking's advanced intelligence, he does not subscribe to our shallow understanding of decorum or common decency - listener discretion advised)

Prof. Hawking offers his insight and wisdom on physics and life every Monday and Friday on Point Five.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Unauthorized Autobiography of Al Franken to Be Released

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 4/24/2005 04:26:00 PM

Point Five Press is proud to announce the release date of the totally unauthorized autobiography of Al Franken. This explosive book is sure to incite controversy from the public-- and even the author, Al Franken himself! Peer into the innermost thoughts of one of America's greatest liberal thinkers. And the best thing is, because we're calling it an autobiography, the only person he can sue is himself! Here are some highlights from this deeply intellectual and nuanced autobiography.

On Why The Republicans Are Liars:
  • "My website is about as inviting as a big fat greasy turd."
  • "I accuse others of being liars so no one will notice that I'm a stupid nerd with man-boobs."
On Politics and the War in Iraq:
  • "It's amazing, I am an idiot and I also look like an idiot."
  • "We select the 'Daily 'Al Franken Show' Audio Highlight' by determining the least moronic thing I've said that day."
On Religion and Bush:
  • "I sold my soul to the devil, but instead of asking for talent, all I asked for was these dumb glasses. I am such an idiot."
  • "Did you know that 'blog' stands for web log?"
Available May 1st at bookstores nationwide.

Foul Up, or Foul Play?

Posted by a4g @ 4/24/2005 07:50:00 AM

The big news on the internet today (using the definition of 'big' that includes 'very, very small') was the incredible coincidental postings on ScrappleFace and Point Five of nearly the same story (using the definition of 'nearly' that includes 'exactly').

"If a wrong clock can be right twice a day, can't two humor blogs post the same idea on the same day with the same wording?" asks Evil Emperor Mindstation, a contributor at Point Five. Here are, side by side, excerpts from the two posts.


An $8 billion energy bill headed for approval in the U.S. House of Representatives offers incentives to companies that develop technologies that use renewable petroleum alternatives such as clean-burning American cheese...
Point Five

An $8 billion energy bill headed for approval in the U.S. House of Representatives offers incentives to companies that develop technologies that use renewable petroleum alternatives such as clean-burning American cheese...

"It's pure coincidence, plain and simple," says Mindstation.

Others are not so sanguine. A check of google shows that words like 'plagiarism', 'intellectual theft', and 'copyright infringement' have been thrown around the internet today, as well as words like 'searching for free porn', 'women with kangaroos', and 'butt-lympics'.

But determining exactly who--or whom--is the culprit may not be so easy, explains Chet Regan, an IT expert with DataStream Technologies. "You're talking literally billions of web addresses. Trillions of pieces of information. Its incredibly complex. Of course, I could just check the originating servers' time logs, but it's Saturday, and I've got to go to my kid's tee-ball game."

Evil Emperor Mindstation believes he will ultimately be vindicated. "I'm certainly not accusing Scott Ott of ripping off my idea. Even if his name rhymes with the German word for idea-ripper-offer, or at least it must in some language. There's like over 3000 of them. It's got to rhyme with something bad in one of them."

"Besides," says Mindstation, "I backdated the time stamp on Point Five to before when Scott posted his, to prevent just these kind of questions."

Scott Ott refused our request for an interview. Okay, actually he just didn't respond to our email. Okay we didn't actually send it.

So like all the worlds great mysteries--the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, how Prell can be both Shampoo AND Conditioner--this may never be unraveled.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Out of Control Hannity Crosses the Line Once Again

Posted by a4g @ 4/23/2005 09:16:00 PM

Just a few days after stirring a hornet's nest of controversy by crossing out of, and then back into, the United States, at a hole in a barbed wire fence at the US/Mexico border, Fox News & ABC Radio host Sean Hannity has again outraged his critics, this time right on the streets of his very own New York City. The buzz on the street is that the dynamic Hannity, #2 on both Fox News and the nation's airwaves, might be spiraling out of control.

Hannity and the crack that may be his undoing.

"The border thing was reckless, the kind of behavior we'd expect from a bad boy like Sean "Puffy" Coombs, not the squeaky-clean Hannity," says Jack French, media reporter with the New York Herald. "But this new outrage is just plain cruelty. His friends aren't talking, and even his enemies don't know what's gotten into him."

This time isn't not merely a makeshift fence that Hannity crossed, but a crack. A sidewalk crack. And instead of passing over it, witnesses say he deliberately stepped on it. An action that came with a price -- a price paid by Ida Liebowitz.

Unpaid medical bills and unanswered letters from Hannity plague Ida Liebowitz.

"He broke that poor old woman's back," says Steve Powell, an eyewitness to the heinous act. "She may not be his mother, but she's somebody's mother."

Somebody's mother indeed, but Hannity has refused all requests for an interview on the matter. Meanwhile, Ida is facing further back surgery and mounting medical bills.

Compassionate Conservatism my ass!

Friday, April 22, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

GOP Leadership Prepares to Bring 'Sissy Fight' Techniques to Judicial Confirmation Battle

Posted by a4g @ 4/22/2005 09:34:00 PM

As the Republican base agonizes over the seemingly endless delays in the lead up to the momentous rules change that will break the filibuster over President Bush's judicial nominees, Captain's Quarters reports that the fight may finally come to the floor. And Senate Republican leaders are quietly preparing an arsenal of techniques that they will employ against the Democrats.

Helping prepare them is Stu Galertner, known as "Hot Pepper", a 79 year old boxer-turned-trainer who went 12 tough rounds with NABF champ and world title challenger Joey 'Iron Fist' Pattico in 1944.

"With these boys, you don't try anything fancy," says Stu. "We're sticking to the basics." Galertner works each day with Senators Frist, Santorum and a select group of others, but his biggest challenge is trying to get them to fight.

"There's lots of scratching. Lots of scratching. And slapping. And running away." The aged fighter leans wearily against the ropes. "Lots of running away."

As we talked, a sparring partner was chasing Senator Frist around the ring, while Senator Santorum threw sponges girly-style from a water bucket at Senator Frist's pursuer. Senator Lugar hid behind a corner post, weeping.

"We don't want any one-on-one battles. The Democrats are natural born fighters. Eye-gouging, throat-punching, rip-your-head-off-and-shit-in-the-hole killers. They'll tear these poor boys apart."

Still, Galernter has hope. His game plan is to teach street techniques that even the sissy-boy Republicans will be willing to use.

"One man on all fours behind a Democrat, the other pushing. Classic technique. A handful of sand in the eyes--can't miss. And don't forget the crotch kick. Damn I hope they don't forget the crotch kick. You could never show your face in this gym again after fightin' like that -- but this gym ain't the US Senate.

And these boys, they ain't fighters."

UPDATE: Polipundit reports that Frist may have grown a set -- Thanks Stu!

Republicans to stage HMS Pinafore
WaPo set to announce judicial shocker

Nine-Fingered Woman Arrested in Wendy's Chili Hoax

Posted by a4g @ 4/22/2005 04:41:00 PM

Police today arrested Anna Ayala in connection with her claim to have found the severed tip of a human finger in bowl of Wendy's chili in March, 2005. Investigators have been tight-lipped about what clue broke the case involving Ms. Ayala. "It's been good old fashioned police work. Following every lead, not missing any details."

Anne Ayala fingered for chili hoax
The nine-fingered latin beauty has been the focus of national attention since the gruesome story of her biting into a human finger in a bowl of Wendy's chili first appeared last month, causing financial woes to Wendy's restaurants across the country. The woman abruptly severed communications with the restaurant chain last week, cutting off negotiations to a planned settlement.

Ms. Ayala, generously described in media reports as a 'tasty latin dish', and a 'spicy treat', will be spending a chilly night in the Clark County Detention Center. "She bit off more than she could chew," said a police spokesman. He refused to say who fingered the woman, but was certainly glad they nailed her.

Via Wizbang

On the Understanding of Planck Length

Posted by Stephen Hawking @ 4/22/2005 12:19:00 PM

Press play below to hear Stephen Hawking's post:
(Note that due to Prof. Hawking's advanced intelligence, he does not subscribe to our shallow understanding of decorum or common decency - listener discretion advised)

Prof. Hawking offers his insight and wisdom on physics and life every Monday and Friday on Point Five.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

An Eerie Vision of The Future

Posted by a4g @ 4/21/2005 11:45:00 PM

One of the great things about group blogging alongside the Stephen Hawking is that he can show you some really cool stuff you can do on the internet. For one thing, did you know that by creating a hyperlink with the html style="time: 5096yr;" you can look forward to an internet that is yet to be? We didn't think so, because we know that you're NOT the smartest freakin' physicist on the planet. You're just some jackass looking around the internet when you should be doing something constructive.

Well, we went over to one of our favorite blogs, because we really wanted to know if PoliPundit was really going to keep that counter up until John Kerry signed his form 180, and lo and behold, the gang is still blogging strong after all those years. Here is a screenshot we took before the wormhole connecting us to the future collapsed. Click on the picture for a closer look. Fascinating.

Oh, by the way, in the future, Point Five gets way more than 10 visitors a day. WAY more.

UPDATE: Welcome visitors from PoliPundit and Decision '08. Visit our main page for more stupid stuff.

UPDATE: Welcome visitors from The Watcher of Weasels. I don't wish to influence the voting on your august process, but you'll notice quid pro quo hyperlinks in the blogroll, wink, wink. Coming from Point Five, this could mean literally TENS OF VISITORS weekly.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

ABC's Supernanny on a Super new Adventure!

Posted by a4g @ 4/20/2005 09:59:00 PM

Supernanny takes on the Palestinian problem in this weeks episode

ABC's surprise new hit show Supernanny is taking on the task of the season in next week's episode guaranteed to bring laughter, tears and joy to all. The tough as nails Supernanny Jo Frost will have her hands full when she takes on a family of Palestinian troublemakers whose parents are 'terrorized' daily.

"She's always had a gift for connecting with kids on their own level, and began babysitting as a teenager." But Jo will have her work cut out for her this week.

"Your behavior is very naughty!" she tells the gun-toting Mohammed, Muhammed, and Mohomad, the three boys of Mohomoud Muhumed, and his wife, Sharia.

Part of her secret is the schedule which she insists every family learn to follow, to give structure to their busy lives.

The two remaining Muhumed boys dream of joining their recently martyred brother

7:30 Wake up
8:00 Breakfast
8:30 Participate in anti-Israel demonstration
10:30 Gun safety
11:00 The suicide belt and you
12:00 A light lunch
1:00 Koran study
2:30 Afternoon anti-Israel demonstration
4:00 Avenge family honor against any shameful acts of women
5:00 Family Dinner
6:00 Abu Mazen's on Palestinian TV!
7:00 Bed time!

Election of Cardinal Ratzinger Causes Earthquake in Hitler List

Posted by a4g @ 4/20/2005 10:59:00 AM

The committee overseeing the Hitler list was rocked yesterday by the announcement of Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger as the new Pope Benedict XVI. Committee members have convened by web conference to update the list given this earth shaking announcement. The list as presented below is only to be considered provisional, until the next meeting of the full committee in November of 2005.

The List:

1. Bush = Hitler
2. Rove = Hitler
3. Pope Benedict XVI = Hitler
4. Social Security Reform = Hitler
5. Republicans = Hitler
6. John Bolton = Hitler
7. Defense of Marriage Amendment = Hitler
8. Hitler = Hitler
9. Factory Chicken Farms = Hitler
10. Cheney = Hitler

A humbled Hitler watches as his ranking slips further.

Most notable, besides the addition of Benedict XVI, is the surprising weakness of Cheney, who has consistently lost traction since the election of '04. Also, committee members warn that Hitler, who has been solidly in the top 10 since the end of WWII, is showing such a lack of Hitlerness, that they foresee him dropping from the top 10 by the end of the decade.

Hitler drops to 7 on Hitler list

I Bought A Great New T-Shirt Today

Posted by Stephen Hawking @ 4/20/2005 10:19:00 AM

Press play below to hear Stephen Hawking's post:
(Note that due to Prof. Hawking's advanced intelligence, he does not subscribe to our shallow understanding of decorum or common decency - listener discretion advised)

If the player does not appear, our servers are busy, please try again later or download the MP3.
MP3 File

Prof. Hawking offers his insight and wisdom on physics and life every Monday and Friday on Point Five.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Group Seeks to Heal Divisions Among Catholics

Posted by a4g @ 4/19/2005 09:45:00 PM

A new group called Moderate Catholics for Healing has formally offered Benedict XVI assistance in reaching out to liberal Catholics. The group, which seeks to mend strong divisions among so-called 'liberal' and 'conservative' Catholics, has released a number of compromises it feels will allow all Catholics to co-exist peacefully under the Papacy of Benedict XVI.

Some of the solutions proffered:
  • On women priests-- forbidden, except for the unpopular weekday masses or churches in poor dioceses where the donations are slow
  • On a married clergy -- never, unless she's a really nice girl and a little on the dowdy side
  • On abortion -- how about a fetus is worth 3/5 of a person? There's a compromise we ought to be able to live with.
  • On birth control -- artificial contraception is never permitted, unless the woman is ovulating or doesn't want a baby
For ecumenism with other churches:
  • On papal infallibility -- infallibility is redefined as really, really, really, really recommended
  • On the filoque -- how about the filove?
A spokesman for MCH said, "If we can bring together all Catholics, all Christians, all people of all faiths around the world, we can get down to the real business of providing universal health care to all Americans."

I'm Choking!

Posted by a4g @ 4/19/2005 07:00:00 PM

I was going to post of the election of Benedict XVI, but I was balancing my laptop in my lap and trying to eat dinner at the same time, and I seem to have gotten a piece of steak caught in my throat. I currently am not breathing, and would appreciate some suggestions on the best way to clear the obstruction. Feel free to leave comments.


Monday, April 18, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Priceless Classical Texts Prove Huge Disappointment

Posted by a4g @ 4/18/2005 02:50:00 PM

A treasure trove of ancient texts and documents, the translation of which has frustrated scientists for over a century, has been decoded by cutting edge infra-red imaging.

Unfortunately, the results are not particularly welcome to the classicists who have read the freshly revealed texts.

"Our knowledge of the ancient world has exploded with the availability of these writings," says Cadwallader Cooke, Professor of Ancient Greek at Cotswold University in Britain. "Unfortunately, we're really finding out just how unpleasant many of these people were."

As an example, he describes the case of Phoesteles, long considered the greatest of the classical Greek poets based solely on the single surviving word ('...considering...') of his great masterwork, The Aeglion. Cooke explains that the more than seven hundred lines of extracted poetry now available show Phoesteles to be a fashion-obsessed poseur whose verse most closely resembles the lyrics to the John Fogerty song, 'Center Field.'

Another disappointment is the great essayist and polemicist Solophius (the 'Classipundit'). His essays, although highly regarded by his contemporaries, offer little for the modern scholar. A few examples:

Essay 2987:

ARCHILOCHOS WRITES (in the codex with the vermillion coverplate) of the preparations for war:

And ten thousand men beat upon their breasts and rang claxtons that pealed from Olympus to Hades, nearly tearing asunder the peace of the Gods...

Sounds like the right attitude to me...

Essay 3321:

I'M READING the scroll with the lion's head carved on the spindle end.
Heh. Indeed.

Cooke explains that the essays basically just go on like this nearly endlessly.

Scientists are awaiting more results from the research, but based on the current findings, they are planning on losing interest and studying something that allows them more contact with pretty graduate students.

(Via Wizbang)

Saturday, April 16, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Wall Street Suffers Two Year Low, Collapse Imminent

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 4/16/2005 07:47:00 PM

Wall Street suffered its single worst day in two years Friday. The Dow Jones average dropped 191.24 points, continuing its streak of triple digit losses to 10,087.51 points. Howard Dean, DNC chair, announced Saturday, after consulting democratic party mathematicians, that a economic collapse is imminent. "If we extrapolate this loss over a period of three months we are looking at a complete and total economic collapse" Dean said "This is why I have laid out a four point plan for getting the economy back on track".

The following is a list of the official 'four points'.
  • Comrades shall receive 17% less foodstuffs until the current crisis has ended
  • Evil capitalist industry shall be consolidated under party control to be distributed for the good of all citizens
  • DJIA shall be set at 11,000 as of Monday, April 18, and shall be increased 200 points per business day thereafter
  • If the economy does not improve the party reserves the right to increase the DJIA more than 200 points as it sees fit
Republicans were unavailable for comment as rehearsals for the HMS Pinafore are still ongoing.

False Seal Hunt Not A Surprise

Posted by a4g @ 4/16/2005 07:15:00 AM

Many were surprised by this report about a Boston Globe story that described a three hundred boat seal hunt that "[turned] the ice and water...red", but that never actually happened.

It didn't surprise Zeke Anderson, a long time Newfoundland resident and false seal hunter. The rough-faced vetern of false seal hunts all the way back to 1947, his face drawn and stretched by too many years in the elements, recalled wistfully memories of hunts past. "The false seal hunt is a tradition around here -- or rather, not a tradition."

In fact, it was at the False Seal Hunt Ball, back in 1968, that he met his beloved wife Evangeline. "She looked like an angel, covered in blood and the little bits of seal flesh that splatter everything during the hunt."

"Which doesn't exist?" I asked.

"That's right," he said, smiling and remembering better days.

(via Michelle Malkin)


Stephen Hawking Comments...

MP3 File

Friday, April 15, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Plunging LA Times Circulation Seen as Help to Environment

Posted by a4g @ 4/15/2005 09:05:00 AM

A report today that the LA Times circulation has plunged another 5.5% is bringing hopeful optimism to Save The Trees founder Jake Shaafer.

"This is the tipping point," says Shaafer. "We were waiting for these numbers. Now, the printing presses at the Times will have to run in reverse in order to keep up with demand for their paper."

A spokesman for the Times did confirm that the newspaper's presses have begun running in reverse, but also said that no technology yet existed to turn the raw paper back into trees. A suggestion that the de-printed newspapers could be instead used for shit paper to help save the environment was quickly dismissed, as it is believed to be the typical use for the printed version of the Times already.

The spokesman said that running the presses backward was generally approved of by the Times staff, as they finally matched the direction of the editorial policy.

If My Nurse Is Out There...

Posted by Stephen Hawking @ 4/15/2005 07:40:00 AM

Press play below to hear Stephen Hawking's post:
(Note that due to Prof. Hawking's advanced intelligence, he does not subscribe to our shallow understanding of decorum or common decency - listener discretion advised)

Prof. Hawking offers his insight and wisdom on physics and life every Monday and Friday on Point Five.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Republicans To Stage HMS Pinafore

Posted by a4g @ 4/14/2005 04:49:00 PM

Republican Senate Leader Bill Frist today announced a change of plans for the Republican members of the Senate. Instead of voting to break the judicial appointment filibuster, the Republican Senators will be spending most of their time until the 2006 election rehearsing for a performance of HMS Pinafore.

This will leave the Senate in the control of the Democrats, who up until now have been in effective, if not official, control.

Frist, who will be portraying Joseph Porter K.C.B., First Lord of the Admiralty, feels that this softer approach to working through the crisis will cause less hurt feelings and really show empathy towards the Democrats, whose party has been steadily losing power over the last 25 years, due to the fact that not enough Americans like their ideas or want them anywhere near positions of power to vote for them.

"When I was a lad, I served a term as office boy in an attorney's firm," was Frist's comment for the record, quoting from the delightful light opera.

Senator John McCain, who will be portraying the "baby-farming" nursemaid Little Buttercup, introduced a motion as the Republicans filed out of the Senate chambers which would allow the Democrats to run the Senate without the necessary quorum. The motion passed unanimously.

Point Five Interviews Prof Carl Dorning (Bolton Excerpt)

Posted by a4g @ 4/14/2005 06:57:00 AM

Teaming with Mr. Hawking has given us access to the world of academia. Here is an excerpt from an interview we conducted with Professor of Information Science Carl Dorning, an expert on computer programming, where the talk moved to the subject of the confirmation hearings on John Bolton:

POINT FIVE: So you're saying that the Senate confirmation process, and the behavior of the Democrats, is related to information theory?

PROF DORNING: You have to understand the liberal mentality as a hive-mind, one that has to be methodically programmed. I hate to be blunt, but these people are -- how shall I say -- slow on the uptake. They need a good week of drilling the same meme into their heads -- Bolton evil, Bolton mean, Bolton bully -- in order to be sure that the thought sticks. Once it sticks, its there for good. That's why so many of them still call Iraq a quagmire, despite all evidence to the contrary.

POINT FIVE: So when liberals complain of collusion among the Republicans and the new media, that Rush and Hannity are talking about the 'talking points' topics a half-hour after they are first raised...

PROF DORNING: Exactly! It only takes a conservative an instant to understand any given story, because he has an internal set of values to draw upon. Usually, because he believes in doing what's right, it doesn't make for a very complicated process. The computing of right and wrong has been pre-processed years before, the way a search engine pre-sorts data from the internet to speed up searches. A liberal, on the other hand, has to feel the pulse of his hive-brothers, find a consensus, wring his hands about all the infinite possible consequences. With their centralized -planning way of thinking, they can't conceive of a system fast enough to distribute the meme as quickly as the distributed, individually based system of the conservatives. Its actually very interesting from a programming standpoint.

POINT FIVE: So we can expect many more contentious hearings?

PROF DORNING: I think its a virtual certainty.

- 4/11/05 - Compromise in Bolton Nomination
- 3/8/05 - John Bolton Nominated

On Human Intelligence

Posted by Stephen Hawking @ 4/14/2005 06:04:00 AM

Press play below to hear Stephen Hawking's post:
(Note that due to Prof. Hawking's advanced intelligence, he does not subscribe to our shallow understanding of decorum or common decency - listener discretion advised)

Prof. Hawking offers his insight and wisdom on physics and life every Monday and Friday on Point Five.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

It's Official

Posted by Stephen Hawking @ 4/13/2005 04:48:00 PM

We welcome our new contributor.

Press 'play' below to hear Stephen Hawking's post:

Final West Virginia Icon to be named in honor of Robert C Byrd

Posted by a4g @ 4/13/2005 06:49:00 AM

West Virginia Senator Robert C Byrd, who self-effacingly describes himself as the "West Virginian of the 20th Century" will complete a 47 year quest to name every last thing in West Virginia after himself, in a ceremony later this week.

"Frankly-- I say, frankly--I don't know why it didn't occur to me sooner, boy," said the august statesman to a crowd of supporters.

As of Friday, Senator Robert C Byrd will be officially rennamed after himself.

"The Robert C Byrd Senator Robert C Byrd", as he will be known, will join other illustrious institutions, such as The Robert C. Byrd Highway; the Robert C. Byrd Locks and Dam; the Robert C. Byrd Institute; the Robert C. Byrd Life Long Learning Center; the Robert C. Byrd Honors Scholarship Program; the Robert C. Byrd Green Bank Telescope; the Robert C. Byrd Institute for Advanced Flexible Manufacturing; the Robert C. Byrd Federal Courthouse; the Robert C. Byrd Health Sciences Center; the Robert C. Byrd Academic and Technology Center; the Robert C. Byrd United Technical Center; the Robert C. Byrd Federal Building; the Robert C. Byrd Drive; the Robert C. Byrd Hilltop Office Complex; the Robert C. Byrd Library; the Robert C. Byrd Learning Resource Center; and the Robert C. Byrd Rural Health Center.

A heckler was escorted away by police after questioning the Senator on why there was still no 'Robert C Byrd' nomenclature on any inner city Community Centers, Popeye's restaurants, or Baptist churches. Senator Byrd dismissed the man as a 'white nigger'.

UPDATE: According to Captain Ed and Michelle Malkin, it looks like ol' Sheets finished up the quest just in the nick of time.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

A rare point of agreement

Posted by a4g @ 4/12/2005 08:26:00 PM

As regular readers of Point Five know, we rarely let personal opinion intrude into our impartial observation of the current political scene, but for once, we cannot be silent. We wholeheartedly endorse this great shirt.

For God's Sake Kill, Bush! Save the United States and the rest of the world!

Kill the islamofascists!

Kill the lousy socialists!

Kill, Bush, Kill!

What a great freakin' shirt!

UPDATE: Evil Emperor Mindstation informs me that I misread the punctuation on the shirt. Let me change my endorsement to indicate I think it's a steaming pile of seditious crap. - a4g

(HT: Michelle Malkin)

Monday, April 11, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Senate Democrats Offer Compromise In Bolton Nomination

Posted by a4g @ 4/11/2005 02:58:00 PM

Senate Democrats, lead by ranking Foreign Relations Committee Senator Joseph Biden, today offered Republican lawmakers a compromise on the controversial appointment of John Bolton to the UN Ambassadorship.

"What we're suggesting," said Biden, "is a bi-partisan way to speed the Bolton nomination through to the full senate. The UN is far too important an institution to let partisan bickering get in the way."

Controversial nominee Bolton brings fire to Senate confirmation process

Biden and Republican Lincoln Chaffee have proposed the bi-partisan solution of substituting Michael Bolton for the less palatable John Bolton.

Norm Coleman (R, MN) showed visible outrage at the suggestion. "How anyone could call Michael Bolton palatable is completely beyond my comprehension."

Non-controversial nominee Bolton brings contemporary soft rock to Senate confirmation process

Mel Martinez (R, FL), although unwilling to offering comment on the record, was seen passing out a talking points memo that stated that the Michael Bolton issue could be "politically advantageous" for the Republicans because "it shows just how out of the mainstream Democrats are," drawing a parallel between Bolton's career and "a culture of death."

Saturday, April 09, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Point Five Revolution Continues!

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 4/09/2005 09:50:00 AM

The eventual domination of all media by "Point Five" blog (short for 'web log') continues today as we have reached 24th on google when you search for "nazi eugenics terri schiavo 11 trillion". If you wish to duplicate this result, make sure to check the spelling carefully, as any deviation will not yield any results at all. DO NOT CHANGE THE WORD ORDER. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

Your Point Five Masters continue to plot and plan....


Did you know that blog is short for 'web log'? -- a4g

Friday, April 08, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

California's Prop 71 Starts to Yield Benefits

Posted by a4g @ 4/08/2005 07:32:00 AM

The controversial California stem cell proposition 71 in last year's election has already started to show promising results. Advantna, a genetic research biotech firm, has announced the first in what promise to be a long line of advances springing from the 10 year, $3 billion dollar promotion of research and technology approved by over 7 million Californians.

"Cell-abration is a great tasting breakfast cereal made of 20% real stem cells," says Brad Lundford, spokesman for Advantna. "We all enjoyed the South Park episode where Chris Reeve sucked the juice out of aborted fetuses. We all kind of looked at each other and said it at once -- cereal!"

The company describes the tiny heart-shaped cereal pieces as crunchy and satisfying, with a slightly earthy, meaty flavor that is only off-putting the first few times it is eaten. "We've adjusted the sugar coating to where it tastes just right," says Bjorn Alreedee, "like a mincemeat, or lamb with mint jelly."

Responding to the company's critics, Lundford says, "Ghoulish? Were the Japanese doctors doing medical experiments on POW's during WWII 'ghoulish'? Was Dr. Mengele 'ghoulish'? Were the Stalinists 'ghouls'? Where does it end? Just think of the science they gave us. Has the religious right in this country suddenly made everything they don't agree with 'ghoulish', so that you can't even conduct medical experiments on unwilling human subjects? There's a word for that kind of anti-intellectual theocracy: Ghoulish."

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Volunteer Border Patrol Upsets "Real" Border Patrol

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 4/06/2005 06:20:00 PM

John Hansan of the Mexico-America border watchdog agency MABWA has issued these helpful pointers in discerning "real" border patrol agents from volunteers.

  • Volunteers are concerned about the effect on our nation on illegal immigration; "real" agents are concerned about angering Washington with too many deportations
  • Volunteers agents worry about the repercussions of angering the men they call "coyotes"; "real" agents worry about the repercussions of angering the man they call "Fox"
  • Volunteers respect the laws of America and obey all posted speed limits; "real" agents respect all laws of America, except those dealing with immigration
  • Volunteers are trained to observe immigrant crossing points from a safe distance; "real" agents are trained to be nowhere near crossing points

Africa's Arinze not the only black pope candidate

Posted by a4g @ 4/06/2005 01:59:00 PM

Although Cardinal Arinze is the most frequently discussed black candidate for the next pope, he is by no means the only one. American cardinals are quietly circulating the name of 'Street Bishop', the Rev. Dr. Thelonius White. While not technically a Catholic, this is not terribly upsetting to the majority of American church leaders.

"We've got a real credibility problem in the American Church, what with the sexual abuse scandal, our limp responses to open heresy among political leaders, and our general arrogance toward Rome," says a Cardinal from a major American archdiocese. He believes White's flashy style and dynamic manner will work wonders at distracting attention from the doctrinal softness in America.

A black pastor with First AME church puts it more succinctly: "Brother Thelonius brings 'street cred'--so they want him for Church head. The man is dope, let's make him Pope. He ain't going to touch little boys--'cause he got ho's for toys."

The Rev. Dr. Thelonious White,"The Great White Hope" of the American Catholic Cardinals

Monday, April 04, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Gore TV Set to Air in August, Rupert Murdoch Satan

Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 4/04/2005 06:23:00 PM

Al Gore recently unveiled his new TV network, Current, at the annual cable industry convention. The channel is designed to"[empower the] generation of young people in their 20s, the 18 to 34 population, to engage in a dialogue of democracy and to tell their stories about what's going in their lives in the dominant media of our time," said Gore.

No one quite knows what the hell Gore is talking about.

UPDATE: (April 5, 6:10 PM)

Rupert Murdoch still Satan.

Friday, April 01, 2005

The Revolution Continues...

Welcome Visitors From LaShawn Barber's Corner

Posted by a4g @ 4/01/2005 08:18:00 AM

If you're visiting from LaShawn Barber's Corner, click here to get to our mainpage, as I couldn't figure out how to trackback and get you there directly.