Jesse Sullivan: Worlds First Bionic Man

Jesse Sullivan, 54, became the world's first bionic man today when doctors attached artificial limbs to his body. Sullivan lost his limbs in a experimental plane crash.

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"When Mr. Sullivan came to us he was a man barely alive. We had the capability to make the world's first Bionic Man," said doctor Todd Kuiken, who worked on Sullivan. "Jesse Sullivan will be that man. Better than he was before. Better... stronger... faster".


The Department of Defense is picking up the tab for the experimental surgery, in hopes that Jesse might become a military asset. This was the subject of heated questioning for Donald Rumsfeld in front of the Senate Armed Services committee today.

Rumsfeld to Kennedy: "Don't F*** with my bionic man".

Senator Kennedy angrily doubted that it was appropriate to "requisition a human being" to be used against islamofascists in the War on Terror. But Defense Secretary Rumsfeld was defiant, insisting that Sullivan would in no way be involved in the Terror War, because "we need him to fight America's real enemy: extra-terrestrial controlled Sasquatch."


- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.





Linked on Mudville Gazette.