a4g's Eleven

When, in the depths of primordial time, men crawled up from the mudpits of barbarity and painted the first satirical pictographs onto cave walls, man has searched for the perfect expression of the humorists' art.


To say things have been a little "sub-par" here lately at Point Five would be undeservedly generous. In an effort to break the logjam, with great risk and even greater expense, I, The Evil Emperor Mindstation, am assembling a crack team for one purpose and one purpose only: To create the greatest work of satire ever crafted by man.


My goal is a lofty one. My journey, hard. My actions, illegal. There will be many obstacles in my way. However, I am confident that I can accomplish my goal.


In honor of the blogger who holds the administrative keys to this site, I have dubbed the eight man team, a4g's Eleven.

a4g
Occupation: Professional Dyspeptic
Specialty: Figurehead
Pros: Knows HTML, PHP.
Cons: Uses too much body spray.

The Evil Emperor Mindstation
Occupation: Emperor
Specialty: Jack-booted justice
Pros: Monarch, access to the wealth of the Empire, charming smile.
Cons: Imperial coffers valued at only $27.66, grossly incompetent, easily duped.

Koko
Occupation: Zoo animal
Specialty: Computer hacking
Pros: Able to gain access to nearly any electronic system.
Cons: Easily distracted by bananas, lacks opposable thumbs.

Prof. Stephen Hawking
Occupation: Professor
Specialty: Astrophysics
Pros: Genius-level intelligence, able to gain university funding for almost any project as long as it sounds sciencey.
Cons: Easily distracted by female coeds, famously incontinent.

Lara Croft
Occupation: Star of the video game Tomb Raider
Specialty: Treasure Hunting
Pros: Hot, has pinpoint accuracy with handguns, capable of incredible acrobatic feats, hot.
Cons: As the only female on the team, it would be nice if she were real.

Mr. T
Occupation: Anti-drug activist
Specialty: Bad attitude
Pros: Heartwarming capacity to show pity for fools.
Cons: No matter how much firepower he's provided, he still couldn't hit the broadside of a barn.

Dame Edna
Occupation: Performer
Specialty: Master of disguise
Pros: Expert skills allow him to blend in with almost any crowd.
Cons: All disguises look pretty much like Dame Edna.

Tom Clancy
Occupation: Novelist
Specialty: Strategy and tactics
Pros: Immense knowledge of all things military.
Cons: Never showed up.




We're going deep into unknown comedy territory, and we hope that we will be prepared for whatever challenges lie ahead. I'll update you on our progress when circumstances warrant.


In the meantime, won't you please enjoy the regular helping of crap that we dish out daily?



- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.



NEXT EPISODE: Mindstation's Eleven: Episode One - Shrine of the Kuo-Toa

NASA to Blow Up Comet "Just Because"

NASA scientists announced today plans to explode the comet Tempel 1. After admitting that obliterating the comet would serve no scientific purpose, NASA scientist John Berry explained, "You have to understand, we scientists have been working tirelessly for the benefit of mankind for the last 400 years. We all agreed it was time for a break. So we've decided to take a year off from science, and use some of our equipment for some projects we've really been itching to try. We thought it would be cool to see a comet blow up."

NASA artist rendition of Comet Tempel 1 being destroyed, as viewed from space.

Although the plan currently calls for a conventional payload, scientists are discussing the feasibility of nuclear ordinance. The main point of disagreement seems to center around which would make "the most bitchin' explosion".


Dr. Berry also revealed that the recent failed launch of a solar sail spacecraft was purposely caused by scientists. "You know we thought, Hey, we're taking a year off anyway, why put an expensive spacecraft into orbit that no one is going to be around to operate or monitor? So instead we filled the launch vehicle with high explosives and an old Pac-Man machine that Dr. Fenester had in his garage."


He noted that preliminary data indicates that the resulting explosion of the Russian-made rocket was 63.2% "awesome" and 36.8% "gnarly".


White House officials have assured that day-to-day life for most of the public will be unaffected by the absence of the scientists, as the "near-unanimous scientific consensus on global warming" is not scheduled to be overturned by "stunning new evidence" until late 2008.


-The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.




Welcome readers from the Carnival of the Vanities. If you were moderately amused by this post, we invite you to be moderately amused by other things we have to offer.



Linked on Mudville Gazette, Outside The Beltway, Basil's Blog.

This Week at the Multiplex

It's been a rough year for Lindsay Lohan.

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.





Linked over at Beth's place.

Jesse Sullivan: Worlds First Bionic Man

Jesse Sullivan, 54, became the world's first bionic man today when doctors attached artificial limbs to his body. Sullivan lost his limbs in a experimental plane crash.

doot-doot-doot-doot-doot

"When Mr. Sullivan came to us he was a man barely alive. We had the capability to make the world's first Bionic Man," said doctor Todd Kuiken, who worked on Sullivan. "Jesse Sullivan will be that man. Better than he was before. Better... stronger... faster".


The Department of Defense is picking up the tab for the experimental surgery, in hopes that Jesse might become a military asset. This was the subject of heated questioning for Donald Rumsfeld in front of the Senate Armed Services committee today.

Rumsfeld to Kennedy: "Don't F*** with my bionic man".

Senator Kennedy angrily doubted that it was appropriate to "requisition a human being" to be used against islamofascists in the War on Terror. But Defense Secretary Rumsfeld was defiant, insisting that Sullivan would in no way be involved in the Terror War, because "we need him to fight America's real enemy: extra-terrestrial controlled Sasquatch."


- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.





Linked on Mudville Gazette.

Assassination Attempt Against Michael Moore Fails

Democrats are furious today, accusing Republicans of an assassination attempt on controversial filmmaker Michael Moore. They allege that silencing Moore is a critical component of a comprehensive strategy designed to ensure the continuing dominance of the Republican party. Part of this strategy is to stop production of Moore's devastating new documentary Fahrenheit 9/11?.

Democrats allege that Republican '527' dollars funded this enormous pie

Republican spokesman Danny Baird loudly denied the charges. "How were we supposed to know that a man of Michael Moore's stature would be irresistibly attracted to the world's largest pizza? How were we supposed to know that he would eat himself half to death? There was just no way we could have known."



Moore, whose controversial films have made him a frequent target of right wing attack dogs, was last seen stumbling away in a stupor from the Iowa Falls-Alden High School parking lot, where, on Saturday, the world's largest pizza was constructed. His whereabouts remain unknown.

This image of Michael Moore is believed to be the last photo taken before his disappearance.

Baird continued: "I'm sure he will probably turn up sooner or later. This is probably no different than his three day rampage through the Little Debbie factory in Collegedale, Tennessee last May. He's probably sleeping it off in a dumpster somewhere."

Democrats are promising to hold a fake hearing in the congressional basement to investigate further.


- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.





Linked on Outside the Beltway and Mudville Gazette.

New Popemobile For The 21st Century

Vatican officials announced today plans to begin use of the new Popemobile designed "for the 21st century Pope".

Pope Benedict XVI in a surprise testrun of the PM 3000

Featuring armor plating, grappling hooks and dual holy water autocannons, the new Popemobile is "built for the evangelization of tomorrow".

Pope Benedict's life was changed forever when his millionaire parents were murdered before his eyes. Joining with the evil Nazi youth as a boy, he finally turned from his mentor Hitler's pointless hatred, and instead chose to fight inequity with his own brand of brutal justice as the Dark Knight of Columbus. Donning his hi-tech papal vestments, he acts as a benevolent shepherd to a billion faithful by day, and a ruthless avenger by night.




- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Get The Real Story:

TimesOnline

Sensenbrenner Stops Meeting, Democrats Near Death

Chairman of The House Judiciary Committee, Rep. James Sensenbrenner (R-Wis) walked out of a committee meeting examining the Patriot Act on Friday, as Democrats veered debate into an angry discussion of Gitmo detainees.

Democrats were irate at Sensenbrenner's decision to end the meeting early and called it "a Republican abuse of legitimately gained power". Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) was reportedly "cut off in midsentence" by Sensenbrenner.

But the Democrats' attempt to turn the meeting into political hay backfired. Sensenbrenner left without adjourning the meeting to a close, and, in fact, took the gavel with him, leaving Democrats powerless to end the meeting.

Now, for the fourth straight day, Democrats have been unable to leave the conference room or stop talking. Thirsty and hungry, a feeding tube was inserted into the quickly failing, yet still yammering, Rep. Nadler late Sunday.

A candlelight vigil is currently being held outside the building by Democrat supporters, who are demanding that Sensenbrenner come back and end the meeting. Reports indicate, however, that the vigil has turned into a Woodstock-like orgy and much of the focus has been lost.

But in an ironic turn of irony, Nadler's only source of nutrients will be removed today, following a ruling by Florida Family Court Judge George Greer, who issued a writ of execution for Nadler, citing the perceived brain-dead condition of the national Democrats, and the undue pain and suffering caused by being a member of a dying party. No case was pending before Judge Greer, but he generously offered his services pro bono.


- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Get The Real Story:

Townhall

Linked on Outside the Beltway and Mudville Gazette.

Best Dressed Legislator Awards Ceremony

(To follow the Emperor's trip from the beginning, click here.)



Friday Afternoon

The moment that this entire week has been building to is finally upon us.

Senators and Representatives in the audience quiet themselves and take their seats, as the grand chamber of legislation and debate anxiously awaits a speaker.

But the man taking the podium is not there to filibuster.

No, he is a man of a different sort; a man to whom rambling speeches and pontification are foreign.

Ted Kennedy wipes mustard off his mouth and brushes the crumbs off his shirt. A lone figure approaches the podium, radiating raw sexuality and pure evil. The sounds of Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries echoes through the chamber.

"Senators, Representatives, I would like to welcome you all to the Point Five Blog's First Annual 'Best Dressed Legislator' Awards Ceremony." I rip open my shirt, and my bare-chested torso glints and sparkles, drawing gasps of amazement from the audience.

A fresh chest shaving is important before any major speech.

This is the moment I have prepared for all week. I have endured many trials and suffered much heartache. I now have but one purpose, to fulfill my solemn duty to hand out awards.

Note: I will not be giving awards to female Senators as I do not recognize the 19th amendment.

The Robert C. Byrd Picture of Sen. Robert C. Byrd (D-WV) comes in 6th place with his dazzling dark red tie and crisp suit.

Rep. Nathan Deal (R-GA) takes home the less-than-expected 5th place trophy.

Underdog Rep. Don Young (R-AK) surprises critics and takes home the 4th place trophy with his snappy suit and charming smile.

Ken Salazar (D-CO), wowing judges with his daring blue tie, takes home the 3rd place trophy in a hotly contested race for 2nd

Although in a fierce race with Sen. Salazar, Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS) dazzled judges with his mini-checkerboard tie, winning him 2nd place.

Treacherous Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) wins the 1st place trophy in an absolute blowout, taking 1st on every judges scorecard, but it is believed he will compromise with Sen. Byrd later this evening to take 6th.

And so I triumphantly conclude my trip to Washington. I will soon board the G550, and leave this hellhole of a city.


- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.


>>The Final Post Just Ahead>>

An Old Adversary Emerges From The Shadows

(To follow the Emperor's trip from the beginning, click here.)





Friday Morning

Yes, it is true I did not post last night.

The many congratulatory emails I have received since then have made the understandable assumption that my date ended in a night of sweaty passion and screams of pleasure.

But I fear my reason for not posting was not the fault of carnal indulgence, but rather a tragedy that I find it difficult to capture with words.

It has been a harrowing fifteen hours.


I arrived at the Target food court at 5:00 PM, just as Cindy and I had planned. I waited for several hours, munching on popcorn and all-beef hot dogs and microwave pizza in my nervous anticipation. All the while worrying what had happened to my love.

Some moments I was indignant. Does she know who she is standing up? My Elite Aryan Shock Troopers have destroyed civilizations! I am The Evil Emperor Mindstation!

I contacted Wal-Mart and tried to ascertain her whereabouts. They said they didn't have an employee named Cindy Brady. I tried to describe her, but they hung up. I called the phone number she gave me, and all I got was a valve manufacturer in Ohio. I searched for her name in the phone book. Nothing! I tried the names of her family members: Marsha, Greg, Jan, Peter, Bobby -- nothing! In desperation, I called the operator and was told that no one by the name of Cindy Brady lived in the D.C. area.

And then it became clear. No mere woman could have fooled me thus.

This was the work of a much darker force. Yes, dear readers, my old enemy. Nemesis and tormentor. The name which cannot be spoken: Haley Joel Osment.

It all became clear. The way the crowds in Wal-Mart had seemed to force me to register seven.

Her dyed black hair.
Her death-mask face, studded with bearings and baubles.
Her plump arms, tatooed with naked women being ravished by devils.

How could I have resisted such a vision? How could I have been such a fool?

And he knew all along I would take the bait. He knows me better than I know myself.

I spent last night wandering the streets of Washington, D.C., in a vain attempt to discover where he had locked her away. Mostly I sobbed. And even the sounds of Wagner's magnificient Ride of the Valkyries did not bring me the usual pleasure. I had Deiter and Franz stand back a bit, while I indulged in Imperial self-pity.


The solemn duty of Empire calls me now. I must complete the purpose that drew me to this bewitching city in the first place. I will plan my next move against my nemesis at some other time.


In the meanwhile, I shall vent my anger on Lars.


- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.



>>There's More! Read the rest>>

My Official State Visit

(To follow the Emperor's trip from the beginning, click here.)





Thursday Afternoon

State visits are one of the dreadful necessities of my position. The parade of humorless world leaders that have wandered through The Palace of Ultimate Evil is too dull to even contemplate. Yet the official visit from which I have just returned is one of the few that I have actually looked forward to in my long, evil reign.

I first became intrigued by your George W Bush when he was the deliciously murderous Governor of Texas. His iron will in the dispensing of executions was so legendary that it even penetrated the high, razor-wired walls of the Palace. My interest was further piqued when I learned of the mathematical formula that proved that "Bush = Hitler." Fascinating.

Surely, this George W Bush is an equal to myself in pure evil malice. From his Gulags in Gitmo, to the 100,000 ostensibly 'innocent' Iraqi civilians he massacred in cold blood, to his destruction of inconvenient 'personal liberties' with the wonderfully diabolical Patriot Act, this commoner has truly earned the Emperor's blessing.

So during my tour of his White House home, I decided to leave the pleasantries of my itinerary, and abandoned the group with which I was touring. I was impatient to meet this George W Bush to congratulate him personally.

A misunderstanding with White House security unfortunately cut short my visit, but I did manage to capture a few pictures while I was hiding out in a janitorial closet to escape their taser guns.

My admiration for this George W Bush grows. Even his choice of cleaning products impresses! We clearly both share a love for dear Adolph.

Mr. Bush likes his dishes sparklingly White. Just like me!

Delightful!

And this beautiful doomed lover reminded me of my own love for Cindy.

I was forced to leave the White House in order to ready myself for tonight's date with Cindy. We can thank Lars for sneaking The Digital Camera of Ultimate Evil through the full body search that was performed on each of us before our release from custody.

He is certainly a trooper and a quick thinker, and now the only member of my sycophants who knows what it feels like to be in a Turkish prison.



Now I'm off to Target, to meet my raven haired love.


- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.


>>There's More! Read the rest>>

Return To Wal-Mart

(To follow the Emperor's trip from the beginning, click here.)





Thursday Morning

It may not surprise you that I decided this morning to detour while on my regular constitutional walk, to instead pay a surprise visit to my dearest Cindy.

The morning air was brisk as we reached the entry doors of Wal-Mart. I had my entourage part, and I strode from their midst, bursting through the automatic entry and loudly announcing my presence with a declaration of affection for my love.

So it was without my usual wall of protection that the Wal-Mart security guards were able to tackle me to the ground. Perhaps it was not wise to announce my presence, perhaps I should have instructed my faithful Deiter and Franz to turn down the volume on the high wattage sound system that they constantly carry on the Imperial flanks, braying Wagner's triumphant Ride of the Valkyries on endless loop to announce my presence.

Whatever my error, I found myself pressed hard against a linoleum floor. My guards, bless their chivalry, did not act on my hasty cries to execute the impudent Wal-Mart guards. No, instead my retinue scattered, understanding well that it would not improve the Imperial reputation to have my guards beat senseless two geriatric Wal-Mart greeters.

"She doesn't want to see you," said one of the greeters. I think it was the old lady, but both their voices were so wizened that it was hard to tell.

"Damn commerce! Damn reason!" I yelled. "I must see Cindy!"


But the Imperial Will was not to be satisfied on this encounter. The jackbooted goons at Wal-Mart would not allow me to pass. Perhaps the Walton family will have to be added to the list of Imperial Enemies. I will think on it.

As it is, I eagerly await tonight, when Cindy and I will meet again.


Perhaps some other time I will have the opportunity to recount the tale of how I escaped the security room, the countless cameras, the local authorities who had been summoned to deal with me. But that time is not now.

I have a pressing engagement that I must attend to. I'll give you the details later today.


>>There's More! Read the rest>>

I'm In Love

(To follow the Emperor's trip from the beginning, click here.)



Wednesday Evening


Readers, forgive me if this does not make sense, but it is all happening so fast.

The date with Cindy is over.

I am in love with my beautiful Goth. I would destroy a thousand worlds for her.

But No, Emperor! Not too much. Don't scare her off with your resplendent largesse and Byzantine grandeur.

I will merely have a few people executed here and there at first, to prove my devotion.


From the moment our eyes met at the hostess's kiosk in the foyer of Denny's, nothing but unending affection passed between us. She was demure and coy-- did she even speak a word?-- as she greedily enjoyed her Chicken Fried Steak while I waxed poetic on my affections. I hardly noticed I had not touched my Shrimp Sampler until she robustly pulled it away from me and began devouring it with the wild abandon of a woman in love. What a lusty wench! How I longed to die in the warm embrace of her ample bodice!

Such tragedy that her commitments at work tomorrow precluded us from visiting the theater for a screening of Shark Boy and Lava Girl. But no matter, for a single drink from her lipid pool could slake even the thirst of Tantalus.

Ever elusive and coy, she parryed my attempts to escort her back to my hotel room. Her Gothic vows of chasity were too great to be broken. I beseeched her again and again for her phone number. Each time she checked my attempts, until on the sixth try she relented.


And so I hold close to my heart the ten magic numbers that are the key to my Elysian Fields. There is much to do tomorrow, and I must be strong and keep to my agenda, but Cindy, you will be in my thoughts.

Until tomorrow night, my love. I ache and await our meeting at the food court at Target.


- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

>>There's More! Read the rest>>

Wal-Mart Photoblogging

(To follow the Emperor's trip from the beginning, click here.)



Wednesday Afternoon


As loyal readers know, my trip to Washington will end Friday in a triumphant ceremony that Point Five will be sponsoring. While I'm still not prepared to spoil the surprise, observant readers may get some clue as to what is coming by reading on. Feel free to speculate in the comments section.

In preparation for the special ceremony on Friday, it was necessary to purchase some major awards at the local Wal-Mart.

Lars, my assistant, commented on how wondrous it was to be shopping in a strange Wal-Mart in a foreign land. After striking him repeatedly for his pitiful knowledge of geography, I had him run back to the hotel to bring The Digital Camera of Ultimate Evil for a little Wal-Mart photoblogging.

It's amazing how you notice the little things.

California on left, Washington on right. If travelocity had only listed this in their available accommodations, I wouldn't be broke from the mini-bar, nor have to swallow back vomit every time I think of that devil-juice Zima!

The spigot of tax revenue fuels massive wealth in this town, on display even here at Wal-Mart. At my California store, the registers only go up to 18.

Lively patrons eagerly walk Wal-Mart's aisles. Oh, how I long to rule over them with my icy brand of justice.

Oh, and there will be a slight change in the itinerary which could result in reduced posting.

While I was making my purchase, the Imperial Visage impressed the comely lass who was tallying my items. I don't know if it was my open shirt, my entourage of personal guards, evil advisors and boot-licking lackeys, or the Imperial Secured Credit Card with the words "The Evil Emperor Mindstation" embossed confidently across its face. Suffice to say, even in this town of Presidents, Senators, and EPA officials, she was intrigued by the raw power of Empire.

We talked for what seemed like minutes, the kind of smalltalk that seems deep and important, and the kind of deeptalk that seems even deeper and importanter. Her name is Cindy and I can see in her eyes my future, and in her strong birthing hips the future of the Empire.

I have cancelled my other plans: we shall be dating tonight. I long to share with her the exquisite, attenuated ennui of being an Evil Emperor. And I'm intrigued to hear all about her being what she calls "a Goth".


And if the evening goes as planned, I may not be able to post until tomorrow...


- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.


>>There's More! Read the rest>>

Secret Meeting

(To follow the Emperor's trip from the beginning, click here.)



Wednesday Morning

I can't disclose where I'll be for the next few hours. I have a meeting to attend with a gentleman very high up in the Administration, and secrecy is absolutely essential for the efficacy of our plans. Trust that your Evil Emperor will be sufficiently evil to make you proud; your trust will be the measure of your fealty.

I'm afraid I won't be able to disclose the minutes of my meeting even after returning-- our purpose is truly that important and devious.

Well, I'm off to meet with Karl.


- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.


>>There's More! Read the rest>>

Blogger Ball

(To follow the Emperor's trip from the beginning, click here.)




Tuesday Evening

I have reconsidered my decision to photoblog the Blogger Ball.

Some moments are just too personal.


-The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.




>>There's More! Read the rest>>

Blogger Conference

(To follow the Emperor's trip from the beginning, click here.)



Tuesday Afternoon

Despite its numerous inconveniences and wretched employees, the advantage of staying at the Embassy Suites is that the International Conference of Bloggers at the D.C. Convention Center is just a short walk away. I am unfortunately unable to afford to hire a Town Car of Ultimate Evil, due to the wild abandon with which I attacked the courtesy bar Doritos in my drunken stupor last night. I believe I have accurately tallied the total charges for two bags of chips, the mini-Zima, and use of a bottle opener at $135.50.

I am currently blogging from a wireless connection here at the Conference. I'm very excited because I finally have the chance to use The Digital Camera of Ultimate Evil for a purpose other than photoblogging expanses of empty wasteland.

My personal assistant, Lars, has managed to snap a few pictures with some famous bloggers who asked for an audience with me.

That's me in the middle. I enjoy Wizbang and LaShawn Barber's Corner. They shall be spared.

Glenn Reynolds is always pushing the Imperial Buttons.

We had a serious discussion about 'disappearing' a certain blogger from Powerline, but ultimately, I decided against entering the Byzantine power struggle and Machiavellian machinations that characterize the inner workings of Powerline.

I allowed C-Span to televise my speech on "Toenail Blogging: The New Catblogging."

It was unfortunately necessary to order the execution of several bloggers for insolence while here at the convention (most notably Glenn Reynolds, who shall be replaced with a spambot that randomly posts Instapundit with links and the words 'Heh' and 'Indeed'). I sincerely apologize if any of your favorite bloggers have stopped posting, but the solemn duties that go along with Empire supersede any human emotions such as compassion.

I will be photoblogging the upcoming Bloggers Ball tonight.


-The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.



>>There's More! Read the rest>>

Light Blogging

(To follow the Emperor's trip from the beginning, click here.)





Tuesday Morning

Apparently, the stress of the long tedious trip was a little too much for your beloved Evil Emperor.

I went a little crazy last night.

There was a miniature bottle of Zima in the mini-bar here in the Imperial Suite. Loyal readers know well my weakness for the hypnotic power of this intoxicating nectar.

I can't remember much after that, but I awoke in one of my own Imperial Guard uniforms. I have a terrible hangover and I think it's best if I sleep for a few extra hours. I won't be posting until this afternoon's Blog Conference.


-The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.



>>There's More! Read the rest>>

Arrived In Washington D.C.

(To follow the Emperor's trip from the beginning, click here.)



Monday Evening

This will be a short post due to my exhaustion after having lived through the ordeal of a non-aerial crossing of the United States. It is a error in judgment that I will not be repeating.

Despite the numerous inconveniences that troubled me during my roadtrip to D.C. we have finally arrived unharmed and intact (with the notable exception of Prof. Hawking, and the seventeen passengers who had to be dealt with along the way.)

The "Imperial Suite" was a bit less impressive than advertised.

My relief was soon turned to anger when I realized I had only booked one hotel room. How could I be expected to know that a single room would not be large enough to accommodate my personal staff? The single rooms at my palace are big enough to hold 25 people.

Well, we will make due.



I have posted my personal guard outside my door to repel any intruders. If you are in the D.C. area, and wish to bring a gift to my room, please note that my guards will not be wearing the uniforms I specially made for them, as they, in their usual insolence, have refused to wear them. One even having the gall to comment that his specially designed new uniform made him look like "a dick."

Do they realize how long I spent in night classes? How many hours I spent furtively sneaking into their quarters to measure their exact sizes while they slept? Or how many days and nights without sleep I spent at the sewing machine assembling their uniforms?

I will be hiring new guards once I get back to The Palace.


-The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.





UPDATE:

Several impudent readers have commented that it is impossible to travel from California to Washington D.C. in less than twelve hours, on a bus, making stops every fifteen minutes.

They fail to appreciate the force of the Imperial Will when commanding the impudent driver to take a short-cut.


>>There's More! Read the rest>>

Rest Stop Blogging

(To follow the Emperor's trip from the beginning, click here.)


Monday Afternoon

So far the journey has been rather difficult.

There has been some kind of catastrophic failure in The Global Communications Satellite of Ultimate Evil, so I will have to blog from whatever WiFi connections I can find along the way.

Luckily, it looks like there will be quite a few stops, as the Greyhound's toilet is hopelessly clogged. I was amusing myself, by flushing a few Korans to break the joyless trip, but evidently the travel-sized toilet on a Greyhound is not quite up to the capacity of those I have installed at The Palace of Ultimate Evil. Suffice to say, we have since been stopping every fifteen minutes, as the Imperial Bladder is rather delicate and finely tuned.

Many have remarked on the vast spaces and awe-inspiring beauty of this great nation, its vistas and majestic open lands peerless in the world. Many songs and paintings have immortalized its subtle artistry.

Desert

More desert

Even more desert

Each of these paeans fail to appreciate the mindnumbing boredom of staring out a Greyhound window at this dreadful, dull country, with no one to entertain my ear but the horrible droning blather of that blasted Stephen Hawking.


Luckily I haven't heard from him lately. I believe he may have wandered away from the bus when we were refueling somewhere in Nevada.

Good riddance, as I have always found him an insolent and tiresome bore.

Zzyzx road, which we found quite amusing. The only highlight of an otherwise miserable trip.

As can be expected, there have been some grumblings from the other passengers, most related to the toilet situation and the frequent stops. I have taken it upon myself to impose martial law aboard the bus. So far, there have been only two executions necessary, and we were forced to leave three people to the desert and the mercy and judgement of Almighty God (five, if you count the babies). But they have provided an excellent example to the others.

I will not tolerate back talk.


-The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.





>>There's More! Read the rest>>

The Trip Begins

(To follow the Emperor's trip from the beginning, click here.)


Monday Morning

There have been some changes to the imperial itinerary.

My mechanics inform me that the G550 is no longer airworthy, and an alternative form of transportation is required. Although they assure me that this sort of mechanical problem is perfectly routine, I suspect sabotage, specifically at a4g's hand.


I have been forced to make travel arrangements for myself, entourage and guards on The Greyhound Bus of Ultimate Evil. While lacking the creature comforts of the G550, at least this will allow me to experience the transcendent beauty of this great land firsthand, drinking in every ounce of majestic scenery along the route.

The Greyhound bus is rechristened just in time

There was not time to repaint the bus in the proper imperial colors, so my lackeys have strung a banner to announce my presence. Not quite the full imperial regalia, but I think you will agree that it will do.

My personal guard's new uniforms for the 21st century.

Of course I have commissioned new uniforms for my guards to commemorate the trip. I was going to surprise them when we arrived in Washington, D.C., but seeing that we will be taking a public conveyance, I plan to spring the surprise early.

We surely will make a stunning display barreling down the nation's highways!


Oh, and good news! My fellow blogger, Professor Stephen Hawking, has decided to join me for the trip. I shall enjoy his sparkling conversation and dry wit. I usually am forced to speak to my underlings, and although noblesse oblige requires me to treat them with appropriate respect in conversation, it really is quite a relief to have an intellectual equal to engage in verbal sparring and witty reparte. I fully expect Prof. Hawking to prove a wonderful traveling companion.


All in all, the Emperor is pleased.


I will be updating the site frequently via a global wireless link, so check back later for more.



-The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.


>>There's More! Read the rest>>

A Big Week Approaches

Sunday Evening

I won't be blogging from The Desk of Ultimate Evil next week, as in a few hours I will be boarding The Gulfstream G550 of Ultimate Evil to travel to Washington, D.C.

I can't give details yet, but I will have some special surprises and amazing stories to tell. Be sure to check in multiple times EVERY day as I will be bringing The Digital Camera of Ultimate Evil to record my trip. I have also borrowed my sister's laptop so I can blog from D.C.

Those wishing to send flowers, please note that I will not be staying at The Hotel of Ultimate Evil as I got a better deal from Travelocity at the Embassy Suites.


-The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.





Monday Morning

There have been some changes to the imperial itinerary.

My mechanics inform me that the G550 is no longer airworthy, and an alternative form of transportation is required. Although they assure me that this sort of mechanical problem is perfectly routine, I suspect sabotage, specifically at a4g's hand.


I have been forced to make travel arrangements for myself, entourage and guards on The Greyhound Bus of Ultimate Evil. While lacking the creature comforts of the G550, at least this will allow me to experience the transcendent beauty of this great land firsthand, drinking in every ounce of majestic scenery along the route.

The Greyhound bus is rechristened just in time

There was not time to repaint the bus in the proper imperial colors, so my lackeys have strung a banner to announce my presence. Not quite the full imperial regalia, but I think you will agree that it will do.

My personal guard's new uniforms for the 21st century.

Of course I have commissioned new uniforms for my guards to commemorate the trip. I was going to surprise them when we arrived in Washington, D.C., but seeing that we will be taking a public conveyance, I plan to spring the surprise early.

We surely will make a stunning display barreling down the nation's highways!


Oh, and good news! My fellow blogger, Professor Stephen Hawking, has decided to join me for the trip. I shall enjoy his sparkling conversation and dry wit. I usually am forced to speak to my underlings, and although noblesse oblige requires me to treat them with appropriate respect in conversation, it really is quite a relief to have an intellectual equal to engage in verbal sparring and witty reparte. I fully expect Prof. Hawking to prove a wonderful traveling companion.


All in all, the Emperor is pleased.


I will be updating the site frequently via a global wireless link, so check back later for more.



-The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.





>>There's More! Read the rest>>

3rd Friday Night Cat Blogging

All right, after the first two disastrous posts, I'm giving cat blogging one last try. Here we go.

Look how well they play together, isn't it just too precious?

My, my, Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat. Mee-oww.

Oh Mr. Mistoffelees, you truly are the gayest cat!

RELATED: Catblogging, 2nd try


Linked on Basil's Blog, Wizbang.

Point Five Exclusive: Zarqawi Get Well Card Intercepted

Point Five's Middle East sources have once again come through with a world-exclusive. We have intercepted a top-secret communication sent to Abu Masad Al-Zarqawi as he attempts to recover from injuries sustained while fighting coalition and Iraqi troops in Iraq. Below you will find the world exclusive "get well card."

Click On The Envelope to View the World Exclusive Get Well Greetings Within

This has been a Precision Guided Humor Assignment.

Chechen Claims Liability For Power Outage, Putin Hospitalized For Laughing His Ass Off

Could drifting beard hairs be the actual cause of the outage?

Vladimir Putin, known for his dictatorial rule and cruel punishments, now awaits news of his missing ass.

Moscow police combed the Kremlin today in a continuing search for Russian Premier Vladimir Putin's missing ass. After hearing of Chechen warlord Shamil Basayev's claim to the recent power outage in Moscow, Putin literally laughed his ass off. He was rushed to a nearby hospital where he is listed in stable condition. Moscow authorities have not found any clues as to where Putin's missing ass may be, but police assure the public that they will get to the bottom of it.

Basayev's claim is also said to have caused King Fahd of Saudi Arabia's hospitalization and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi's recent injuries. A spokesmen for Zarqawi said, "Yes, yes, we hate the evil decadent West and all that they stand for-- but even the most hardened terrorist can't say he believes Basayev and keep a straight face. I mean look at the guy."

Get The Real Story:
BBC NEWS

Linked on The Beltway Traffic Jam.