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Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Ugly Children To Be Raised By Wild Dogs

Posted by a4g @ 5/10/2005 07:30:00 AM

Attractive children, like the handler shown here, would be kept at a distance from the ugly children in the UgliCare compound.

In today's new world of science, where pure research has been replaced by dreams of intellectual copyrights and IPO's, scientists look quickly to the marketplace to find profitable applications for their findings. Canadian researchers, who late last week released a study that showed beautiful children recieve better care from their parents than ugly ones, today announced a practical solution to this heretofore unknown crisis.

Dr. W. Andrew Harrell, executive director of the Population Research Laboratory at the University of Alberta and the leader of the research team, has started a privately funded group called 'UgliCare', dedicated to the care of ugly, unwanted children. And who better to care for these piles of putrescence than African wild dogs!

Dr. Harrell describes the service: "Parents these days are too busy for ugly babies. Just place your ugly baby in a bag for curbside pickup. For a nominal fee, our highly trained wild dogs will come to your home, and remove the offending ugly baby, to be raised in our safe, secure wilderness environment."

Dr. Harrell also notes that his wild children, upon reaching maturity, will be perfect for performing the jobs that "Americans refuse to do." He believes in just two decades, his ugly army will completely eliminate the need to allow illegal aliens to cross the border into the US.

"Dishwashers, gardeners, housecleaners, any of the jobs that a faceless person could perform."

He refused comment when asked about whether he would pursue military contracts with the dog-raised children, saying only that UgliCare was a for-profit model, and that all options remained open.

Thanks to Mudville Gazette for the link.


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