Conservatives Develop Deadly Pie Throwing Techniques

The signature red dot of a laser guided pie is evident on Nick Denton's now pie-covered head

Pie throwing used to be the sport of brain-dead liberal college students, a mostly harmless pursuit, but the once majestic pastime has turned into a deadly game of life and death now that conservative extremists have adopted the technique. Instead of the light grazings taken by the likes of Ann Coulter, observe the damage inflicted upon Gawker and Wonkette sleaze-peddler Nick Denton. This isn't the happenstance, frat boy pie throwing of your father's day, this is the age of hi-tech computer designed pie tins and laser guided tarts. The LACD (Liberals Against Civilized Debate), originally organized to help liberals improve their own pie throwing, has changed direction and taken up the crusade against conservatives employing the same tactics. Harry Parr, the group's founder, has described to Point Five some of the conservative's deadly new methods.

"A college liberal, with the hand/eye coordination of a three year old, can barely walk, let alone hit someone with a pie at point-blank range. However irresponsible, they really aren't a danger to anyone. But these new conservative pie throwers are a different breed. They think about escape routes, they aim before taking their shot, and, because of their connections to the U.S. military, are constantly on the forefront of pie delivery technology. The danger to liberals is critically high."

Our Defense Department contacts provided Point Five with exclusive access to the secret world of offensive pie technology. (Click on the pie to see a clearer picture)




Point Five Forensic Analysis: The ordnance used to hit Nick Denton was clearly a "laser guided pie," similar to the example depicted above. This particular weapons system requires the deployment of a two man team. A covert operative is inserted near the potential target and paints the objective with a laser targeting device (laser pointer). He then calls in a coordinated airstrike from his partner, who seeks out and saturates the target area with the appropriate confectionery payload delivery system (pie). In the ensuing mayhem, the conservatively-dressed team blends into the surrounding populus, and reconvene later at a predetermined point.

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Thanks to Mudville Gazette.