Terrorists Threaten To Poison Water Supply, Homeland Security Not Worried

Earlier this morning, Al Jazeera made public a statement from Al Qaida, which, among other things, threatened to poison America's water supplies. Incoming Homeland Security director Michael Chertoff issued a statement saying, "No one important will be harmed. Most Americans middle class and above don't drink tap water. I'm sure there are other people in America, but frankly, I don't know who they are."

"[Middle class] people just don't drink tap water anymore, its gone the way of Amtrak and JFK Jr.," said Frank Barnes, spokesman for the American Beverage Council. "People drink Coke and Fuji water, not that crap that comes from your sink... Have you actually tried tap water lately?"

The White House declined to comment.