Wall Street Suffers Two Year Low, Collapse Imminent

Wall Street suffered its single worst day in two years Friday. The Dow Jones average dropped 191.24 points, continuing its streak of triple digit losses to 10,087.51 points. Howard Dean, DNC chair, announced Saturday, after consulting democratic party mathematicians, that a economic collapse is imminent. "If we extrapolate this loss over a period of three months we are looking at a complete and total economic collapse" Dean said "This is why I have laid out a four point plan for getting the economy back on track".

The following is a list of the official 'four points'.

• Comrades shall receive 17% less foodstuffs until the current crisis has ended
• Evil capitalist industry shall be consolidated under party control to be distributed for the good of all citizens
• DJIA shall be set at 11,000 as of Monday, April 18, and shall be increased 200 points per business day thereafter
• If the economy does not improve the party reserves the right to increase the DJIA more than 200 points as it sees fit

Republicans were unavailable for comment as rehearsals for the HMS Pinafore are still ongoing.