LAPD: More Shootings of Innocents Until Dorner Surrenders

The LAPD, in a statement released yesterday, promised Christopher Dorner, ex-cop gone on rogue killing spree, that no one else would be hurt if he surrendered himself peaceably

"You can do the right thing Mr. Dorner, we have already harmed 3 innocent bystanders.  You know we will not stop 'eliminating suspects' until we find you." LAPD chief of police Charlie Beck said, actually doing air-quotes with his hands, and winking to reporters.

The LAPD's unconventional manhunting tactics of 'eliminating suspects' has been widely reported on, as a massive manhunt is underway in the greater Los Angeles area and surrounding counties.

Artist's conception of Dorner with an airplane.

News reports of Dorner being trained as a pilot has also come to the attention of the LAPD.



"The LAPD keeps a small stockpile of Surface-to-Air missiles for cases like this," Beck said. "We have police stations very near LAX and we are prepared to begin 'eliminating suspect aircraft'."

Dorner is a former police officer who has gone on a murder spree, targeting LAPD officers and their families, after alleging widespread corruptions and incompetence in the LAPD.

-The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Reid Offers Support: Sen. Menendez, Cardinal Mahony, Darth Vader

In the wake of Senator Harry Reid's seeming support for Sen. Menendez amid allegations of relations with underaged prostitutes, the aging Sentor has come out in support of other close friends of his, including recently demoted LA Cardinal Mahony, and even the Sith Lord Darth Vader.

“First of all, Anakin Skywalker is my friend. He’s an outstanding Jedi Knight. Any questions in this regard, direct to him. I don’t know anything about it,” Reid said in response to reporters concerns over Skywalker's links to the destruction of Alderaan.

Reid subsequently declined to answer further questions regarding his self described friends, John Edwards, John Wayne Gacy, Secret Service Director Mike Sullivan, the evil wizard Gargamel, Jim Jones, 'those kids that are always trying to steal his lucky charms', John Hinckley Jr., and the dark lord Sauron.

Critics of Sen. Reid have called on the Nevada politician to public denounce his associates, but the centenarian Senator has rebuffed most criticism, pointing to inciting events such as the hording of smurf-berries, or the 'lack of love' from Jodie Foster.

Though generally refusing to answer most questions, Reid did observe that many of the crimes his friend Cardinal Mahony is accused of covering up were not as serious as they were made out to be. "As my friend OJ Simpson says, sometimes you need to 'get a little physical'" Reid commented before being taken by aides to have his diapers changed.

Sen. Reid is a Democratic senator from Nevada.

-The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

China Drops UNOCAL Bid, Makes Offer on Supreme Court

Outraged over their failed plan to purchase UNOCAL, Chinese officials, determined to own a controlling interest in America's future, have announced their intent to engage in a hostile takeover of the Supreme Court.

The purchase comes at an ideal time for China, as the general tenor of the court will tip precipitously pro-American with the confirmation of John G Roberts as the 109th justice of the court. It is believed that Beijing believes ownership of the court will allow it to fire whichever justices do not give it special favor in rulings on "open trade, gross polluters, and the rescinding of all worker safety and child labor laws."

In an heroic effort to stop communist infiltration, an American corporation has made a counter-bid on the court. Calvin Klein has tendered a $3.5 billion offer, and promised to move the Supreme Court to its "Live Billboard" located in New York City. The live billboard is currently home to about 40 models who are paid to simulate a 24-hour party, two stories above the city streets.

"Think about it", said Calvin Klein representative Joseph Gutenberg, "Instead of partying models, pedestrians will now be able to view live Supreme Court hearings, and experience the justices as they go about their daily lives. And if you think models know how to party, wait until you meet Ginsburg!"

The company has said that the new "Courtboard" will primarily be used to advertise new law-themed products, such as Calvin Klein's Obsession v. Ralph Lauren Blue.

Bystanders at street-level will also be treated to a special glimpse of what lies beneath the judges' robes. Wide-brim hat vendors are expected to experience exponential profit increases as their headwear comes into high demand due to its peripheral-vision-obscuring properties.


- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Get The Real Story:
Linked on Mudville Gazette and OTB.

Pope Condemns Harry Potter

Pope Benedict XVI, in a just published letter that was written before he became the 265th pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church, criticized the Harry Potter children's novels, calling the books "subtle seductions that... have a deep effect and corrupt the Christian faith in souls even before it could properly grow."

His comments have sparked an uproar among Harry Potter fans.

"This attack against us cannot be tolerated. We are not a bunch of crazed Satan worshippers," said a woman who identified herself as Morning Autumn, as she proceeded through the intricate rituals necessary to place a curse on Pope Benedict. She was part of a large crowd of dorks congregated around a downtown Seattle bookstore, awaiting the Friday release of the 6th book in the Harry Potter series, entitled Harry Potter and the Late Onset Acne.

The furor has forced the Pope to clarify his statements to indicate that his main objection to the books is not "the charming witchcraft and wizardry," but that Harry Potter is "too racially impure". The Pope, however has said that his opposition has nothing to do with the he time spent in the Hitler Youth, involvement that was entirely coerced, and "just one of those crazy things we German youth were doing at the time."

"Zis Harry Potter. He is black hair and green eyes. Much better would be the blonde hair and blue eyes," the Pope said through his spokesman.

The Vatican provided this photoshopped picture to Point Five, with a note from Benedict XVI saying, "I like the unique scar on Harry Potter's forehead, but I felt it was backwards, and there should be two of them."

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Computers Revolutionize Classrooms in Unexpected Ways

An Arizona high school has announced its intent to begin a move to an all electronic curriculum. Students will not have ordinary textbooks but will instead be given wireless laptop computers.

The program's proponents stated that the new $2000-a-piece laptops will give students the edge in an increasingly digital world, allowing them unique opportunities to go head-to-head with friends in Unreal Tournament 2004.

"How are students going to learn in the oppressive book and paper school environment that we have today? These students need the important skills that the 21st century workplace demands, like being able to instant message friends and participate in cyber sex without getting caught by the boss."

But opponents of the plan are skeptical. "We're concerned about our children spending all their school time playing Unreal Tournament. Half-Life 2 is much better," said Jason Holbrook, a concerned parent. Mr. Holbrook is widely regarded among his co-workers as the finest Half-Life 2 player at Roland & Jacobs, a top Phoenix accounting firm.

Students explore exciting new avenues of learning with their laptop computers. Extra credit is given for visits to blogs sounding like "Foint Pive".

Parental concerns aside, students are strongly in the support of the plan, as George Peterson, a 11th grade student at Jefferson High, said as he hacked into the military simulation computer WOPR to play a game of Global Thermonuclear War from his sparkling new laptop. "I call him Joshua," Peterson said of his computer opponent. "And yes, I would like to play a game."

However, the laptops are not toys, said Jeff Gumman, the principal at the high school. "We expect the students to not slack off. Only essential tasks, such as hacking CollegeBoard, or checking the current time in Iceland, are allowed".

Officials are reassuring the state government that the cost for the project will be manageable, and not "completely and totally economically crippling." That reassurance was enough for the endorsement of the teacher's union, who didn't want their particular area of expertise infringed upon.

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Get The Real Story:
Linked on Outside The Beltway and Basil's

MINDSTATION'S ELEVEN: Episode 1- Shrine of the Kuo-Toa

No time to elaborate, but due to a certain amount of insolence in the comments of my last post, a4g is out as leader of the team. I have assumed command. a4g's spot will be filled by Subway spokesman Jared Fogle.

Jared Fogle
Occupation: Subway Spokesman
Specialty: Subs
Pros: Always carries a spare pair of XXL pants.
Cons: All ideas involve the New Fresh Toasted Subs from Subway.

Many readers have e-mailed me asking when our great work of satire will be completed. But events far more important have pulled us from our task.

Yesterday, a sea lion attacked a lifeguard in Santa Barbara, CA. Seen as an isolated event, no cause for concern. But my subtle mental powers realized this was only one in a series of incidents where the benign creatures of the deep have turned against their surface dwelling masters.

Clearly, malevolent forces were at work.

It was Koko's wild and frantic hand motions that identified the only nefarious villain capable of perpetrating such a heinous act: My arch-enemy, Dr. Oceanus.

The dreaded Kuo-Toa, evil minions of Dr. Oceanus.

Professor Hawking was generous enough to supply us with the background data necessary to fight off Dr. Oceanus' hordes of Kuo-Toa minions. These horrid creatures would be fearsome enough even without their Armor Class of 4.

I have emailed Tom Clancy to make the necessary plans for our attack on Dr. Oceanus' underwater fortress. I have confidence that, although he has not yet responded to any of my previous communications, he will provide us with a plan bordering on pure genius.

In order to give the newest member of Mindstation's Eleven some much-needed field experience, I have sent Jared to procure our underwater transports to Dr. Oceanus' stronghold due to his specialty in submarines.

We will be leaving shortly on this most dangerous mission. I hope that in the event that I do not return, Point Five will be able to continue without my masterful talents.

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.


****************


UPDATE: I am posting from the high seas. I have emailed Tom Clancy with the rendezvous point. I am confident that he will arrive in time with the battle plans.

In a few hours Mindstation's Eleven will be locked in mortal combat with these evil denizens of the deep

****************


UPDATE 2: I'm back safely in the Palace of Ultimate Evil. All the members of Mindstation's Eleven would like to extend our sincere gratitude to Patriot Xeno and Citizen Grim for rescuing us from prison block 13C of the nightmare fortress of Dr. Oceanus.

a4g's Eleven

When, in the depths of primordial time, men crawled up from the mudpits of barbarity and painted the first satirical pictographs onto cave walls, man has searched for the perfect expression of the humorists' art.


To say things have been a little "sub-par" here lately at Point Five would be undeservedly generous. In an effort to break the logjam, with great risk and even greater expense, I, The Evil Emperor Mindstation, am assembling a crack team for one purpose and one purpose only: To create the greatest work of satire ever crafted by man.


My goal is a lofty one. My journey, hard. My actions, illegal. There will be many obstacles in my way. However, I am confident that I can accomplish my goal.


In honor of the blogger who holds the administrative keys to this site, I have dubbed the eight man team, a4g's Eleven.

a4g
Occupation: Professional Dyspeptic
Specialty: Figurehead
Pros: Knows HTML, PHP.
Cons: Uses too much body spray.

The Evil Emperor Mindstation
Occupation: Emperor
Specialty: Jack-booted justice
Pros: Monarch, access to the wealth of the Empire, charming smile.
Cons: Imperial coffers valued at only $27.66, grossly incompetent, easily duped.

Koko
Occupation: Zoo animal
Specialty: Computer hacking
Pros: Able to gain access to nearly any electronic system.
Cons: Easily distracted by bananas, lacks opposable thumbs.

Prof. Stephen Hawking
Occupation: Professor
Specialty: Astrophysics
Pros: Genius-level intelligence, able to gain university funding for almost any project as long as it sounds sciencey.
Cons: Easily distracted by female coeds, famously incontinent.

Lara Croft
Occupation: Star of the video game Tomb Raider
Specialty: Treasure Hunting
Pros: Hot, has pinpoint accuracy with handguns, capable of incredible acrobatic feats, hot.
Cons: As the only female on the team, it would be nice if she were real.

Mr. T
Occupation: Anti-drug activist
Specialty: Bad attitude
Pros: Heartwarming capacity to show pity for fools.
Cons: No matter how much firepower he's provided, he still couldn't hit the broadside of a barn.

Dame Edna
Occupation: Performer
Specialty: Master of disguise
Pros: Expert skills allow him to blend in with almost any crowd.
Cons: All disguises look pretty much like Dame Edna.

Tom Clancy
Occupation: Novelist
Specialty: Strategy and tactics
Pros: Immense knowledge of all things military.
Cons: Never showed up.




We're going deep into unknown comedy territory, and we hope that we will be prepared for whatever challenges lie ahead. I'll update you on our progress when circumstances warrant.


In the meantime, won't you please enjoy the regular helping of crap that we dish out daily?



- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.



NEXT EPISODE: Mindstation's Eleven: Episode One - Shrine of the Kuo-Toa