LAPD: More Shootings of Innocents Until Dorner Surrenders

The LAPD, in a statement released yesterday, promised Christopher Dorner, ex-cop gone on rogue killing spree, that no one else would be hurt if he surrendered himself peaceably

"You can do the right thing Mr. Dorner, we have already harmed 3 innocent bystanders.  You know we will not stop 'eliminating suspects' until we find you." LAPD chief of police Charlie Beck said, actually doing air-quotes with his hands, and winking to reporters.

The LAPD's unconventional manhunting tactics of 'eliminating suspects' has been widely reported on, as a massive manhunt is underway in the greater Los Angeles area and surrounding counties.

Artist's conception of Dorner with an airplane.

News reports of Dorner being trained as a pilot has also come to the attention of the LAPD.



"The LAPD keeps a small stockpile of Surface-to-Air missiles for cases like this," Beck said. "We have police stations very near LAX and we are prepared to begin 'eliminating suspect aircraft'."

Dorner is a former police officer who has gone on a murder spree, targeting LAPD officers and their families, after alleging widespread corruptions and incompetence in the LAPD.

-The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Reid Offers Support: Sen. Menendez, Cardinal Mahony, Darth Vader

In the wake of Senator Harry Reid's seeming support for Sen. Menendez amid allegations of relations with underaged prostitutes, the aging Sentor has come out in support of other close friends of his, including recently demoted LA Cardinal Mahony, and even the Sith Lord Darth Vader.

“First of all, Anakin Skywalker is my friend. He’s an outstanding Jedi Knight. Any questions in this regard, direct to him. I don’t know anything about it,” Reid said in response to reporters concerns over Skywalker's links to the destruction of Alderaan.

Reid subsequently declined to answer further questions regarding his self described friends, John Edwards, John Wayne Gacy, Secret Service Director Mike Sullivan, the evil wizard Gargamel, Jim Jones, 'those kids that are always trying to steal his lucky charms', John Hinckley Jr., and the dark lord Sauron.

Critics of Sen. Reid have called on the Nevada politician to public denounce his associates, but the centenarian Senator has rebuffed most criticism, pointing to inciting events such as the hording of smurf-berries, or the 'lack of love' from Jodie Foster.

Though generally refusing to answer most questions, Reid did observe that many of the crimes his friend Cardinal Mahony is accused of covering up were not as serious as they were made out to be. "As my friend OJ Simpson says, sometimes you need to 'get a little physical'" Reid commented before being taken by aides to have his diapers changed.

Sen. Reid is a Democratic senator from Nevada.

-The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.