Every week the Point Five editorial board vows to complete the Precision Guided Humor Assignment, and every week we are confounded by their neo-luddite Eastern Time Zone deadline. It's not that we can't come up with a good idea until three days later... really!
But we recieved a letter from our very own site troll, fudgesicle, that we felt might do the job.
An Exit Strategy
As regular readers of this blog well know, I have advocated withdrawal from Iraq since before the invasion began. I and my partner Lance do not condone sending America's men to die in some far-off desert. I almost piss myself (and sometimes Lance) whenever I see the ghastly green glow of BDA videos on Fox
I remember watching the Saddam statue being pulled down two years ago, unable to stop myself from crying "Look out!" to the poor assembled Iraqis who were about to be crushed by falling bronze. For me, that was one of the most horrifying images of the war. (But as an interesting aside, I did learn after a few indignant phone calls that OSHA doesn't have jurisdiction over foreign war zones.)
I've been thinking long and hard (Lance made me leave that in
) about how we can possibly get ourselves out of the nightmare quagmire that is Iraq. Even your Marines have not been able to get the job done. We need a way to unite the scary gung-ho right with my own beloved peace-loving left.
I hate the war because so many innocents have died, but I can see now that it is a lost cause, so it's time to wipe the Iraqis off the map so we can move on as a nation. It's time to teach you on the right a little thing we on the left know a little something about: mass murder.
Now I know you killed all the Nazis, and starved out the Stalinists, but we still have a little trick up our sleeves.
We can call up the reserves from the most powerful killing weapon in the US arsenal, and the only one that we on the left will unquestioningly support: the United States 113th Abortion-Doctor Uterine Assault Brigade.
Your Marines' kill rate is at best 100:1.
The 113th AUAB's kill rate is 40,000,000:7.
Now I know that sending our rare, safe, and legal abortion providers will cause many hardships for many of my friends. I know that vacations will have to be delayed until the off-season-- yes, perhaps even cancelled. There will be nail appointments missed, and the horrid sound of braying babies may interrupt Lance and my conversations at the mall-- perhaps even in restaurants. But desperate times call for desperate measures. (Lance once got a girl pregnant-- I don't even want to start with that story-- so I know all about this.
Armed with scissors and suction devices, our studly 113th will tear through Iraq like a rare, safe and legal plague. Iraqis will line the streets, bodies mutilated and brains sucked dry. But those of you with weak stomachs needn't worry -- the great thing about abortion doctors is that no reporter will record even so much as an insinuation of the blood shed onto Iraqi streets. For us here at home, it will be like it never happened.
I am hopeful that the 113th will get the job done in less than 9 months. It will be a jubilant day when they return, and America's women line up in "Victory Lines" waiting for their late-term partial birth abortions to rid themselves of the 'pregnancy tissue' that would otherwise force them to confront their meaningless materialistic existences.
Anyway, that's my two cents. Now I've got to go take care of Lance, because he said he like a little of my two scents.
Isn't he bad?Now go visit the rest of the PGHA entries this week. You won't be disappointed!