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Friday, July 15, 2005

Moral Debate: Procedure Makes Monkeys More Human

Posted by a4g @ 7/15/2005 07:12:00 AM

The insertion of human stem cells into monkey brains runs a "real risk" of altering the animals' abilities in ways that might make them more like us, scientists said today.

The research has set off a debate among medical ethicists over where the boundaries of their research should lie, and forced them to ask questions about when science has gone too far.

"Does this cage make me look fat?"
Already, the monkeys receiving human brain cells in the study have gone from curious, fun-loving creatures, to weight-obsessed, television-addicted blowhards with an almost insatiable hunger for internet porn. Most of their vocalizations have been centering around the relative merits of various Ipod playlists. They refuse to eat their regular diet of bananas and leafy greens unless they are certified organic, and several have begun a macrobiotic diet intended to "purge the system of toxins."

Worse, when one of the researchers dropped a cell phone in the enclosure, the monkeys refused to give it back, and instead yell loudly into it on an almost continual basis.

The final straw for the scientists was when the monkeys grabbed clipboards and labcoats and started studying them.

"We've learned that for the most part, monkeys are assholes," said Dr. Marlon Briggs, head of the research team. Dr. Briggs claims that he was purposefully left off the invitation list to a party held last Friday at one of the more popular monkey's cages. "Tinkerbell thinks she's hot s**t just because she slept with Grayback," said Dr. Briggs, "but wait until she finds out that Lucy spent Tuesday night in Grayback's cage. Bitch."

Although some scientists expressed concern that these genetically enhanced monkeys might take over the world, the researchers involved in the study were not worried. "They've begun forming rudimentary political parties. This not only gives them an appropriate outlet for their legendary feces throwing, but also assures complete gridlock in any planning for world domination."

Get The Real Story:
Linked on Outside the Beltway and Mudville Gazette.


Comments are open and unmoderated.
Abusive, hateful or irresponsible comments were probably posted by one of the contributors.
At 7/15/2005 08:42:00 AM, Blogger mquest ...
I think you have your story wrong. The banned book of Darwin called “the banana republic” clearly show that putting monkey DNA in humans creates politicians. Southern leaders tend to have a latent gene that forces them to throw shit as a compulsive disorder. Luckily California schools have started teaching creationism using a book by the Darwin society and the truth is now widely available to our children.

The KKK is having a hard time believing that their leaders all have intermixed monkey DNA and are thinking about suing the ACLU for no real reason.
At 7/15/2005 08:46:00 AM, Blogger a4g ...
mquest, you should probably visit one of my favorite haunts: Waking Ambrose. I think your talents would be particularly welcome there.

Check it out.
At 7/15/2005 08:55:00 AM, Blogger mquest ...
In the past I have passed by that site. Over the weekend I will take a closer look.
At 7/15/2005 01:29:00 PM, Blogger John ...
Great! Now I'm gonna have to go catch up on the Planet of the Apes movies!
At 7/15/2005 03:49:00 PM, Blogger The MaryHunter ...
Man, there's some brilliant content here. As a scientist myself, I can't help but FOTFLMAO at all the goofball extrapolations made by folks on the fringes, as regards what could happen with some of these experiments. Sarcasm is indeed a grand weapon for activism based on blind ignorance.

But don't get me started on ES cell research...
At 7/15/2005 04:37:00 PM, Blogger a4g ...
Sarcasm? Here?

The problem with comedy is, sometimes the funniest thing you can do is saw off the branch you are standing on.

So you do it.

My name is a4g, and I have a problem...
At 7/15/2005 10:32:00 PM, Blogger Doug ...
Passed by that site?!?!?!? Oh, son.

Thanks, a4g for the plug.

I was planning to say that next time they should take the stem cells from 37-year-old men instead of 16 year-old-girls. We're much less weight obessed, unlike to take over the world or out the trash, and have mastered rudimentary tools like the remote.

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