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Sunday, July 10, 2005

London Blast Timing Indicates New Terror Threat

Posted by a4g @ 7/10/2005 07:27:00 AM

London police have corrected initial claims, and reported that the three subway blasts on 7/7 were detonated within the span of a single minute. They explained that this sort of coordination reveals a deadly new capability on the part of Al-Qaeda terrorists.

"We're not very optimistic at this point," said John Warner, with the team investigating the tactical specifics of the attacks. "I think this conclusively proves that the terrorists have learned to read what we refer to on a clock as the 'big hand.' This is a whole new capability we were afraid they would acquire."

Warner believes this puts the advancement of the Arab world to at least the 1200s. "At that point, its just a matter of time before they have the printing press [1450]. My goodness, can the flush toilet [1500] be far behind?"

And then Warner added ominously, "And if they have learned to read the second hand, we're talking about an advancement to at least 1657."

But technology consultant Rick Nathans was more circumspect. "There are other explanations beyond the acquisition of 'big hand' technology. My group is attempting to show that the attacks may have been coordinated with their innate Muslim 'call to prayer' urge."

Still, everyone contacted for this article expressed one consistent fear: that the terrorists might acquire a so-called "Suitcase Nuke."

"If they acquire a suitcase nuke, we fear they could stuff it full of stone tools or primitive speartips of cast bronze. Also, it's small enough to allow them to attack and beat innocent civilians with its heavy metal case. And it is certainly sturdy enough to crack open nuts, or use as a step stool. There's really no telling what these people are capable of."

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At 7/10/2005 08:44:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous ...
As I was reading this, it occurred to me how the MSM would never let a view like this get expressed (even in a sanitized, not over-the-top way). But with the internet, it's like there's a million Salmon Rushdie's now. They can't issue enough fatwas to stop us.
At 7/10/2005 08:47:00 AM, Blogger a4g ...
No, but they can still Theo Van Gogh our asses.

I know of hundreds of bloggers whose writings wouldn't play too well under sharia. I guess that means for the rest of my life, I'll have to make sure the muslims never take over and get access to the appropriate databases.

Sounds like a pretty good life mission.
At 7/10/2005 08:49:00 AM, Blogger a4g ...
And the more I think about the Rushdie comment, the cooler it seems.

Wow, my little blog allows little ol me to be fatwa-ed by proxy, just like a real writer.
At 7/10/2005 10:06:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony ...
You could have mentioned that like primitive man they still live in caves.
At 7/10/2005 05:25:00 PM, Blogger a4g ...
Good point, Doctor. Its good to have educated professionals commenting around here.

I spoke with Mr. Nathans, the technology consultant quoted in the article, and he said that even if the muslims were to acquire the feared 'second hand' technology, their desire to live in caves is simultaneously driving them backward, so it all evens out in the end.
At 7/11/2005 04:52:00 AM, Blogger Dymphna ...
Hey guys--

Come see the Baron's latest effort.

Yes, it's satire.

As Seen on Al Jazeera
At 7/11/2005 02:31:00 PM, Blogger Baron Bodissey ...
A little OT -- but, do you realize that al Qaeda apparently chose the date of their most recent attack so as to avoid the confusion of Limey and Yank date styles? 7/7 -- it works either way!

That means that from now on our law enforcement and intelligence services need only prepare for future attacks on Jan 1st, Feb 2nd, Mar 3rd, etc. Thus freeing up massive resources, which can be used to buy larger chairs for the Senate building so Ted Kennedy can sit down.
At 7/11/2005 02:45:00 PM, Blogger a4g ...

At least now we have something to thank Al Qaeda for.

I was getting a little tired of my British friends referring to the FDNY as "The Heroes of November 9th."
At 7/11/2005 02:54:00 PM, Blogger Baron Bodissey ...
Yeah, and then there's our independence holiday on April 7th.

Isn't that why Cornwallis lost at Yorktown? He thought the battle was scheduled for November 10th. Then ol' George caught him by surprise on October 11th! Good old Yankee know-how. Or, in GW's case, Southern-fried know-how.
At 7/11/2005 03:14:00 PM, Blogger a4g ...
Once again, Baron, I'm in awe of the breadth of your historical knowledge.

But why do my friends look at me funny when I quote you?
At 7/11/2005 03:17:00 PM, Blogger Baron Bodissey ...
It's probably the combination of methamphetamine and Twinkies coursing through their debased bloodstream.
At 7/11/2005 03:39:00 PM, Blogger a4g ...
Wow, you know my friends pretty well.

That's pretty much the job description printed beneath the bloodshot portrait on the The Evil Emperor Mindstation's carte de visite.
At 7/11/2005 03:55:00 PM, Blogger Dymphna ...
Ah, it's not that the Baron knows your friends. He just looked in his lunch box and wrote down what he saw in there.

The sugar keeps him going and the meth is for his database work.You know, sitting in front of the little screen and putting squiggles on lines....

Did you know they call him the code gorilla? Or maybe it's guerilla, that was never clear.
At 7/11/2005 04:17:00 PM, Blogger Baron Bodissey ...
I need my fix! Can't wait for that fabulous rush...
At 7/11/2005 04:27:00 PM, Blogger Dymphna ...
You know you don't like Rush. You don't even listen to the radio.

Quit putting on airs.
At 7/11/2005 04:37:00 PM, Blogger Baron Bodissey ...
Wot post did you remove? The one in your eye?
At 7/11/2005 05:01:00 PM, Blogger a4g ...
I think Dymphna has been sneaking treats from the Baronial Lunch Box.

She's double posting.
At 7/11/2005 05:05:00 PM, Blogger a4g ...
Ah, but I see the comment has been memory-holed. The Evil Emperor comments not, but is ever vigilant.
At 7/13/2005 08:14:00 PM, Blogger Citizen Grim ...
If all Northerners are Yankees to Southerners, and all Americans are Yankees to Europeans, does that make Northern Americans Yankee Yankees?

Or is that just redundant and somewhat ambiguously sexual?

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