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Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Gynecologists React to Tancredo's "Nuke Mecca"

Posted by a4g @ 7/19/2005 06:43:00 AM

After Congressman Tom Tancredo stated on Florida talk radio that he thought an appropriate response to another attack against America might be to nuke Mecca, gynecologists are reporting record levels of new pregnancy among their red-state clients. It is believed that the thought of nuking Muslims sends the average conservative voter into a frenzy of sexual passion that cannot be contained.

Social scientists use this device to gauge sexual reaction to various stimuli. Images of violence against Muslims send most conservatives off the scale.
"We're not quite ready to say that definitively," said Dr. Marvin Lamstein, a Miami OB/GYN. "But there's clearly a trend. Our data show an almost exact red state/blue state overlay."

Linda Stevens, of Peace Action Now!, was happy to offer her opinion. "It's all about conservatives repressing their sexuality, so it comes back out as violence. So when Tom Tancredo starts talking about nuking a bunch of innocent Saudis, everybody in Jesusland gets horny. It's sick."

"We're not repressed," said Syd Olanski, lead guitarist with the Christian rock group Guns 'N' Marital Love, stroking the barrel of his Glock M-22 .40 S&W. "There is nothing more exciting than the committed love between one man and one woman, performing the unitive act in the sanctity of their conjugal bed. Not two men together. Not two women. Not two men and one woman. Not three women and one man. Not two guys, two girls, a domination trapeeze and an oiled chihuahua.... Excuse me, I need to get to the shooting range."

The Point Five editorial board sent out our cub reporter, Jimmy Jacobs, to investigate. As usual, Jimmy was reluctant to help our with our little experiment, but he is easily intimidated and eventually relented.

Jimmy took a set of graphically sexually explicit flash cards into a deeply 'red' neighborhood to gauge the reactions of typical conservative Americans. After knocking on hundreds of doors and confronting whomever answered with a randomly selected card, Jimmy returned with his fascinating results.

  • By far the most popular response was 'Punch in the mouth', at 47%.
  • 'Groin kick' came in a distant, but respectable second at 26%.
  • 'Door slammed on fingers' occurred at a rate of 14%.
  • 'What the hell are you showing to my daughter' weighed in at 12%.
  • 'Mmmm... who are you, little boy?' yielded just one response, from a 73-year-old Marlon Tucker, who followed Jimmy back to the Point Five offices and had to be escorted out by police.
Jimmy refused to return to the neighborhood with a set of flashcard depicting various high-caliber weapons, but we're certain the results would have been very different.

Get The Real Story:I suppose the real question is whether we are in the War On Terror, or in a prolonged attempt to avoid it and perhaps circumvent it. Daffyd at Captain's Quarters analyzes, Hugh Hewitt wants an apology,
LaShawn says its a kerfuffle and defends, Jawa Report is asking for feedback.


Comments are open and unmoderated.
Abusive, hateful or irresponsible comments were probably posted by one of the contributors.
At 7/19/2005 08:51:00 AM, Blogger J. Blair ...
I stroke my "glock" daily. Is that wrong?
At 7/19/2005 09:03:00 AM, Blogger a4g ...
As long as you don't use that hand on the love tester machine.
At 7/19/2005 10:03:00 AM, Blogger Doug ...
That should make up for the baby bust when the minutemen were on patrol.
At 7/20/2005 06:59:00 AM, Blogger mquest ...
Ever since Walmart went back to the “Made in America” ad campaign there has been a upswing in condom breakage in the red states. It is too early to see if this this is a corporate ploy to create little meth head republicans or another example of crappy American products.
At 8/01/2007 04:48:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous ...
Tancredo must be the worst presidential candidate out there. Garling Gauge has a good take on it:

At 9/08/2007 05:56:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous ...
That post has moved to here:


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