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Thursday, July 14, 2005

Administration Meltdown Over Rehnquist Replacement

Posted by a4g @ 7/14/2005 02:37:00 PM

Top sources have revealed that open war has broken out within the Bush administration over the replacement for SCOTUS Chief Justice William Rehnquist, whose retirement is being widely discussed in the wake of his hospitalization yesterday.

Administration officials ask what is most essential in a potential justice, age or race?
Although still mum on his future on the court, it is widely believed that Rehnquist will step down in time for a new Chief Justice to be confirmed for the court's next session.

But within the administration, hard lines have been drawn from different factions over what sort of man should replace the ailing Chief.

"We have to replace a Scandinavian with another Scandinavian," says a top advisor to the President, who is leading the charge for Michael Luttig, whose Scandinavian-sounding name brings solid Norse credentials.

But an equally vocal faction has arisen that believes that it is most appropriate to appoint an octogenarian, ailing man to replace the octogenarian, ailing Rehnquist. "You replace a Thurgood Marshall with a Clarence Thomas, if you know what I mean. And while the American people don't want to hear words like 'quotas,' we feel that they'll be most comfortable with a justice who will wear a cap and walk with a cane."

That camp is supporting actor Charlton Heston, born just three days after Rehnquist on October 4, 1924, who they believe will be amenable to cap-wearing and cane-assisted walking.

The Heston group was pleasantly surprised when informed by Point Five of Heston's strident support of gun rights, but disappointed by our further explanation that he was suffering from advanced Alzheimer's. Still, they remained undaunted.

One thing both sides could agree upon. They weren't going to let judicial philosophy or temperament get in the way of the selection of a racially and age appropriate replacement for the court.

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Linked on Mudville Gazette, Basil's Blog, Beltway Traffic Jam.


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At 7/14/2005 03:50:00 PM, Blogger Doug ...
I'm writing my Senators that I want them to deny confirmation to any justice who is not a member of the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America. Does anyone but me think the abbreviation SCOTUS is far too close to SCROTUM, however appropriate that might be?
At 7/14/2005 03:55:00 PM, Blogger a4g ...
I'm starting to think that the only fully appropriate replacement for Rehnquist may be Rehnquist himself.
At 7/14/2005 05:18:00 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony ...
I'm thinking there is abbundance of old useless people to choose from.
At 7/14/2005 05:34:00 PM, Blogger a4g ...
Yeah, but we need most of them for the Soylent Green.
At 7/15/2005 10:36:00 AM, Blogger Doug ...
Yeah, why can't we just appoint the dead Rehnquist to replace the living one? It's a pretty fine line.
At 7/15/2005 10:43:00 AM, Blogger a4g ...
Doug, I suppose the desireability of that depends on which side of the aisle you fall...

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