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Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Left Set to Unveil Plan for "American Utopia"

Posted by a4g @ 6/01/2005 01:45:00 PM

Top leaders from the left side of the political spectrum met over the Memorial Day weekend to discuss the declining fortunes of the Democrat party, and find a way to halt the slide. In a rare moment of quiet self-reflection, a few of the power hitters in the lineup suggested that the Dems had been sorely lacking in "the vision thing" for quite some time. The weekend retreat yeilded the beginnings of a plan that our inside source revealed to us was to be entitled "An American Utopia."

Washington is abuzz this morning over the plan, which-- although broadly sketched-- has not yet been put to paper. Indications are that the plan will make "everyone throughout the world love America," and "give dignity to all." Other notable results of enacting the plan:

WAR ON TERROR: The war on terror will end. Not much further discussion was called for, once it was realized that the very act of electing Democrats will signal America's sorrow and desire for forgiveness for our years of abuse of the world, thus pacifying and converting to friends, enemies such as Bin Laden, Kim Jong Il, and Ted Kennedy.

PRISONER ABUSE: All terrorists will be brought into the American court system. No more Abu Ghraib or Guantanamo. High powered attorneys will ensure the rights of all those accused of the "crime" of fighting for what they believe in against American oppression. A focused campaign of Public Service Announcements will help explain the frustration of those brave minutemen who oppose American manipulation of the Middle East.

GLOBALISM: American companies will be given incentives to keep jobs at home in America. But they will also be encouraged to invest in the third world to bring the wages of all "citizens of the world" up to decent levels. All the while concentrating on American jobs. And the health of the world. And America. And the world.

LIVING WAGE: Wages for all workers will be higher, tightening the "wage gap". Criticisms that artificially increasing wages is unsustainable because it doesn't add actual value to the world's economies are to be deftly countered by the fact that workers "will have more money."

UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE: Health care will be provided for all Americans. No longer will America's poor have to choose between Digital Cable with Premium Package 4, and health insurance! Everyone will have affordable health coverage, and adequate care with low-cost visits to the doctor. No one will be denied. Except those trying to game the system. Or people who go to the doctor too much. Or people with terminal diseases, because they're just unfairly overusing the resources that should be available for everybody. And old people kinda smell funny and they complain too much-- they don't get any help either. And retarded babies. In fact, all the retards. And the Jews. Did I mention the Jews?

THE END OF CONSERVATISM: Compassionate, liberal-run government will melt the hearts of hardened conservatives. A new understanding has been reached among the participants at the conference-- they empathize with conservative positions. They realize that liberalism has had a slightly bloody, maybe even genocidal, history. But all that will change, this time. No more concentration camps or gulags, no "re-education". This time, the beneficence of the New Order will be so clear for all to see, that no one could possibly refuse to love the State. At least no one decent, and honest. No one with a clear, open mind, and love of their fellow man. Of course, some will no doubt work against the State. Some will refuse to see the importance of working together for a common goal. And they will have to be dealt with-- but no matter. After all, what kind of society wants people walking the streets who don't have clear, open minds and a love of their fellow men? Surely they will not missed.



Linked on Mudville Gazette.






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At 6/03/2005 04:03:00 PM, Anonymous UNIONIST ...
I am moving to Canada if one more Demarcate is elected to Congress or the White House.
 

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