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Wednesday, May 25, 2005

How Rocker Jeff "Skunk" Baxter Is Retooling America's Military

Posted by a4g @ 5/25/2005 02:52:00 PM

Jeff "Skunk" Baxter hopes to transform America's military one baadasss riff at at time.

The Wall Street Journal reports today how former Steely Dan and Doobie Brothers guitarist Jeff "Skunk" Baxter has become a sought after consultant in the defense and anti-terrorism industries:

The guitarist-turned-defense-consultant does regular work for the Department of Defense and the nation's intelligence community, chairs a congressional advisory board on missile defense, and has lucrative consulting contracts with companies like Science Applications International Corp., Northrop Grumman Corp. and General Atomics Aeronautical Systems Inc. He says he is in increasing demand for his unconventional views of counterterrorism.

A policy paper discussing the conversion of the Aegis anti-aircraft system into an anti-missile system marked Baxter's entry into the world of military consulting, but it is some of his more revolutionary ideas that are promising to transform the American military into the hardest-rockin' force in the world. (Ed: I feel a bulleted list coming on...)

  • The Entwhistle is a long, shoulder-fired tube-like device that uses DR Lowrider bass strings to generate "rich, crisp, ballsy bass with outstanding sustain" that induces hearing loss and spontaneous diarrhea in advancing enemy troops.

  • The H-23 weapons platform uses advanced targeting to channel enemy troops into a narrow corridor, where a massive air drop of free "Festival Seating" tickets to a "Major Rock Act" incites widespread trampling.

  • The Zildjian Space-Based Maser would focus the sun's rays off an orbiting, computer controlled, servo-guided, 'ultra-sweet, 18" Zildjian ZXT Titanium Thin Crash Cymbal" to incinerate enemy tanks.

  • The A-5 "Marley" fighting vehicle is equipped with "chemical weapon" (wink-wink) smoke generators to subdue, pacify-- and make hungry-- enemy forces.

  • The "Simpson" psy-ops protocol begins with a massive digital video camera drop and follows up with leaflets warning the enemy that as fighters, they're over-the-hill, and they should instead concentrate on filming reality TV shows. The Marine version is known as the "Spears."

  • The "Super Groupie" assault system deploys thousands of skanky hoes to follow around enemy troops in short skirts and skimpy tops, causing plummeting morale and massive sexual frustration when the girls say that they're "only interested in the lead singer."

  • The T-4 "South American Nightclub" incendiary cluster bomb blankets pyrotechnics and burning foam on enemy positions, yeilding massive casualties.

Baxter says he has thousands more ideas for new weapons, but may abandon them if a planned Steely Dan reunion tour materializes.

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Thanks to Mudville Gazette.


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Abusive, hateful or irresponsible comments were probably posted by one of the contributors.
At 5/29/2005 12:39:00 AM, Anonymous Friends at the DoD ...
To: Point Five Overseers
From: DoD
Regarding: Classified Information

It has come to the attention of Secretary Rumsfeld that you have once again passed on classified Defense Dept. information, to the general left-wing cry babies.
As you know the Secretary hired, well you know who the Secretary hired to monitor all anti-American, anti-democratic blog and web sites. If you continue to inform those people, we at the Defense Dept will have no alternative but to down grade your status from pro-American, Freedom loving, God fearing to that of a US Senator. We would do this only after great reluctance as you know med-term election are coming up and we need all the help we can get to get the needed Republican Senator elected to stop these dam filibuster.

Thank you

Your friends at the DOD
Cc Donald Rumsfeld Secretary DoD

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