Economist Chris Martin Explains "Evil Investor" Theory

Chris Martin, whose band Coldplay SUCKS, lives life like he loves his money, but it's okay because he feels guilty about it.

Most people familiar with Chris Martin know him from his fronting the international smash hit band Coldplay, with record sales exceeding 20 million copies. But in the halls of academia, Mr. Martin is best known for his founding work in the school of economic thought known as Martinian. Descending and evolving from Keynesian Economics, Martinian reasoning expresses dynamical cost/value relationships in the normative subtext of deontological syllogism that... Oh, we'll just Martin himself explain, from the Evening Standard:

I think shareholders are the great evil of this modern world.

It's very strange for us that we spent 18 months in the studio just trying to make songs that make us feel a certain way and then suddenly become part of this corporate machine.

It seems that EMI, the world's third largest music company, is anticipating lower profits because the band did not deliver a record on time. But Chris doesn't care, instead he criticised what he called "the slavery that we are all under to shareholders".

Now, the editorial staff at Point Five contains certain members who are shareholders, and we don't take too kindly to having our slave-holding position exposed, Mr. Martin. Understanding the "corporate machine" as you do, yet being only a "tool" yourself, Point Five thought it would be helpful to our readers to offer this quick summary of Martinian economic theory:

• Super-cool, ultra-creative recording artist - Good. Dull squaresville Mom and Pop investor - Bad.
• Money isn't what it's all about, but it sure does impress an America-hating chick like Gwyneth Paltrow.
• The sin of recieving evil profit should immediately be expiated by purchasing a £3.2 million house in exclusive Belsize Park.
• Name your first kid Apple, because Windows sucks.
• It's okay to waste EMI's money for eight months in a costly recording studio if your new songs "lack a spark."

Hey Chris, I've listened to 2002's A Rush Of Blood To The Head, with lyrics as profound as "Am I part of the cure? or am I part of the disease?".

"Lacking a spark" worked for you before. I say stick with it.

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Evening Standard, Michelle Malkin, The Cafeteria Is Closed, I Fucking Hate Celebrities.

Thanks Conservative Cat.