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Friday, May 06, 2005

As Senate Prepares to Resume, Democrats Prepare New Tricks

Posted by a4g @ 5/06/2005 09:55:00 PM

Republican lawmakers are accusing top Democrats of using what they describe as 'dirty tricks' in the runup to next week's expected showdown over President Bush's judicial nominees. Republicans are expected to invoke the so-called "Nuclear Option" (also known as the "Constitutional Option", the "'Byrd' Option", and the "It's About Freakin' Time Option").

But top Senate Republicans are now making stunning allegations that their Democrat counterparts are readying a deplorable set of parlimentary and non-parlimentary techniques to maintain the filibuster.

The general concensus in Washington is that Senator Frist has the votes to overcome the filibuster. The clear desperation of the Democrats was revealed earlier in this week, when Harry Reid described the Commander-in-Chief of the United States of America as "a loser."

"The only way the Dems are going to block those judges," said our exclusive source, a top Republican advisor, "is keeping as many Republicans out of the Senate chambers, and unable to vote, as possible."

Some of the plans Republicans have uncovered:

Two Headed Quarter
This was already used on Mel Martinez once before, and it is believed that the Dems will try again-- and most likely succeed. Tom Harkin approaches the Senator, and suggests a friendly wager, best two out of three, with the winner pledging his vote to the other side. "Don't worry Mel, your aides have already checked this quarter out." This is considered unblockable, as Mel is expected to fall for it every time.

Backwards Clock
Republicans aren't sure, but something is screwy with the new clocks installed in all their offices. And they'll have plenty of time to investigate, because there's still five minutes left to vote.

Hot Pepper Gum
Harry Reid, in a conciliatory mood, will finally "bring enough for everyone."

Fart Whistle
It's feared that this little bad boy is going to be given to ancient West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd. "We've assured everyone that it's just a ruse, and let them know to expect the sound, but we're afraid some junior Senators will bolt from the sheer terror that it might be real."

Exploding Toilet
Specifically targeted to "mavericks" like McCain and Hagel, this time bomb will be drench the "media whore" Senators in an embarrasing spray that might possibly be seen on TV, trapping them for hours within the Senate restrooms.

Squirting Ring
Republicans were unable to learn the exact details of this trick, but its speculated that it will work out something like: "Nice ring, Teddy."
"Er-uh, thank you, Senator Frist. Lean in a little closer. It's filled with carbonic acid."

Republican lawmakers are planning their own set of low-down, dirty tricks to counter the Dems. Senator Frist would not elaborate, but hinted at a plan that involved "looking for a way to avoid conflict" and "delaying the vote on the President's judges for another five years".

GOP Leadership Prepares to Bring 'Sissy Fight' Techniques to Judicial Confirmation Battle
Republicans to stage HMS Pinafore
WaPo set to announce judicial shocker

THANKS: Mudville Gazette


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